Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around
by crazyroninchic
Summary: Several members of the Fellowship come across a Marysue Legomance. Chaos ensues…A bit of light humor and MS satire. If for nothing else, read to imagine the looks on Leggie’s face…COMPLETED
1. A Thing for Hobbits

Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around

Summary: Several members of the Fellowship come across a strange fanfic, and begin to read. To their horror, it is a Mary-sue Legomance. Chaos ensues…A bit of light humor and M-S satire. If for nothing else, read to imagine the looks on Leggie's face…

Disclaimer: I don't own LotR. Tolkien does, and he's a bloody genius. There, I said it.

And if anyone has any ideas on how to make the Mary-Sue even more…sueish, let me know in a review.

I'm going for pedal-to-the-metal Mary Sue, so expect extreme corniness. And SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A STUPID, WAAAAY TOO PERFECT. So, if you don't like Sues, there will definitely be a lot of Sue bashing, and you've come to the right place.

The italics indicate that it is the story they are reading. When it goes back to normal type, obviously that is back to reality (hypothetically speaking) and the character's comments…Hope you enjoy, and it WILL be extremely idiotic, so don't flame me! …Please?……………………………………………………………

"I'm bored." Pippin said decidedly.

Merry rolled his eyes. "Yes, for the 2,434,564 time."

"It was YOUR idea to visit Aragorn in Gondor! YOU think of something!"

"Well, Legolas and Gimli will be here soon…"

"Really? Are they returning from their trip to Mirkwood already?"

"Legolas just wanted to visit his father, and Gimli came along because he was practically bored out of his mind…"

"I know the feeling."

"Suuuuure you do. At least we don't have to stay home all the time, taking care of kids."

"Poor Sam. But he has a pretty wife. All I have is you."

"You're too kind."

"I try."

Arwen entered the kitchen where the hobbits were having this enthralling conversation. She has THEIR number…

"I knew that I would find you two here." She said with a smile.

"Mae govannen, Arwen!" Pippin piped up.

She blinked, then smiled again. "Brushing up on your Elvish?"

"I practiced."

Merry nodded. "Sam wants a full lesson when we go back home."

Arwen laughed lightly. "I just came to inform you that Eowyn has just arrived from Rohan. Faramir's ecstatic. Oh yes, and my brothers have turned up as well."

"Excellent! I could use a good laugh," Merry grinned.

"Are Legolas and Gimli here yet?"

"Aragorn expects them any time now." Arwen replied.

Pippin sighed wistfully. "It's almost like the old Fellowship back together. Except without Frodo…and Gandalf…and Boromir…" he paused. "Yeah, so I guess it really ISN'T like the old Fellowship."

The three of them wandered into the entrance hall, where Aragorn was greeting the newcomers.

"Eowyn!" Merry rushed over to greet her. They had gotten quite close. You don't go through a bloody battle and nearly die without making SOME friends.

"Merry! So good to see you!" she laughed and hugged him.

"Now, Merry, don't go stealing my lady…" Faramir joked.

"Well, I DO have a thing for hobbits…" Eowyn said suggestively.

"The hairy feet ARE a real chick magnet." Merry said sarcastically. Meanwhile, Pippin was talking with Elladan and Elrohir.

"I missed you guys! It can get dull around here!"

Aragorn gave Pippin a LOOK, but softened at the wide-eyed gaze the hobbit gave him.

"Well, we'll be sure to liven things up around here…" Elladan said with a mischievous look.

Aragorn rolled his eyes. "That's what I'm afraid of…"

Elrohir laid a hand on his shoulder. "What happen to the good old day when we used to give Ada hell?"

Elladan sighed. "Good times, good times."

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm a KING now. I have responsibilities and like to think we've matured a bit."

Arwen shook her head. "PLEASE. Sometimes I don't think these two have hit puberty yet."

Elladan staggered and put a hurt look on his face. "You cut me deep, dear sister."

A loud voice could now be heard, getting closer.

"…But seriously. How could such a lightweight like you down all that alcohol and not even be affected?"

"I'm an Elf. We aren't affected by liquor as much as others." Came Legolas's voice, more quietly than Gimli's.

"But where's the fun in that?"

"I'd prefer not to make a fool of myself while intoxicated, as did someone I know…"

"And that's why I hate Elves." Gimli grumbled as the two entered the hall.

"Ah! Welcome, Your Highness!" 'Dan mock-bowed extremely low.

"Speaking of Elves…" Gimli muttered under his breath.

"Heard that."

"Of course you did! You hear EVERYTHING!"

"Don't mind him. He's not had a rest since yesterday."

"Ah. Cranky." Elrohir whispered.

Aragorn cleared his throat loudly, partially due to the idiocy this conversation was heading toward, and partially due to the murderous look Gimli had on.

"Perhaps our guests should get some rest, and this evening we can all dine together." He suggested.

Legolas nodded. "Yes, Gimli has not had an orc to decapitate in several days. He may vent his frustrations elsewhere." He gave the twins a pointed look.

"Well, perhaps Master Dwarf just needs a hug." Elladan said lightly.

Arwen jabbed him in the ribs and pulled the two off to their rooms.

Gimli could be heard grumbling all the way to his room.

"Wow, I've never seen Gimli in such a bad mood before!" Merry said softly under his breath.

"He is a bit miffed." Legolas said from behind him. They jumped slightly, not having heard him approach him, even with sharp hobbity ears. "We encountered a stray group of orcs several days ago, and resumed our contest."

"You won, didn't you?" Pippin guessed.

Legolas smirked. "Of course. I could not let him best me again."

The group split to go to their rooms. Eowyn and Faramir headed off for a walk in the gardens, to "catch up" on things. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. And so on and so forth.

Elladan and Elrohir wandered off to see what trouble they could cause. 'Ro was more intent on watching and laughing then actually being involved.

Arwen and Aragorn went back to being a handsome/beautiful couple that puts many other couples to shame.

The two hobbits headed to the kitchen to check on the food for dinner tonight. Being as bored as they are, you know.

Several hours later, they all met in the dining room. Gimli was looking refreshed, as was everyone else who actually needed to rest. The hobbits were huggable. The elves were just looking yummy, like always.

Aragorn remained standing as everyone seated themselves. He looked clean and neat. It was quite unsettling.

"Welcome, _mellyn_. It is wonderful to see you all again. I look forward to several weeks of your company. But now, let's eat!"

Five minutes later, the room was filled with conversation as the ten people 'chowed down'.

I'm sure they were very interesting conversations. But this is not the point of our story. So, moving on…

The group gathered in the large and comfy sitting room located…somewhere in the castle.

"So, what has everyone been up to?" Elladan asked, looking around at those gathered. "Gimli?"

He shrugged. "Oh, just kicking ass and taking names."

"How's Rivendell?" Legolas asked.

"Empty. Well, almost. It's depressing. So we came to bug you all!" Elrohir said brightly. Arwen grumbled something and he gave her a look that plainly said, 'Especially YOU.'

"The shire?" Aragorn asked.

"Boring." Pippin said shortly.

"When are you NOT bored!" Merry exclaimed in frustration. "Though I do see his point. It's hard to travel all around the world, see war and many strange things, and then suddenly go back to normal life in such a quiet little place."

The others nodded.

"Well, how was King Thranduil?" Arwen asked.

"Stoic. He's an Elf, remember?" Gimli chuckled as Legolas glared slightly.

"Well, what am I? A troll?" She said indignantly.

"If you are, then you're the most beautiful troll in all of Middle Earth."

Pippin looked up from his potatoes, having just heard the end of that convo.

"Did I miss something?"

"If you did, then so did I…" Merry replied.

"Be careful, Legolas. You keep glaring, and you'll get a frown line." Faramir joked.

Eowyn giggled. "It must be nice to be an Elf."

"How's Rohan, then?" Aragorn asked.

Eowyn sighed. "Brother's angsty. No idea why."

"At least your relatives don't set themselves on fire and run screaming off cliffs and whatnots…" Faramir said, slightly depressed.

"Oh, honey, it isn't your fault that your father was a nut job. My cousin Bella has schizophrenic tendencies. And there's nothing I can do about it." Eowyn said soothingly.

"Schizos can be quite interesting, Precious." Merry said suddenly. Everyone burst out laughing as he and Pippin began a Smeagol/ Gollum impersonation reminiscent of good cop/bad cop.

Elrohir was looking around at the books lining the numerous shelves. "You sure have a lot of reading material." He said suddenly.

"It would take a lifetime to read it all…" Aragorn said dryly.

'Ro stood on tiptoes and pulled a particularly strange looking book off the topmost shelf. It was slightly isolated from the others. And with good reason.

"Sweet Eru! What the bloody hell is up with this book?" he exclaimed.

The others stared slack-jawed at the monstrosity in his hands. It was completely pink and covered in lace and frills and little Lisa Frank heart stickers.

Elladan mock-gagged.

"What is this new devilry?" Faramir asked quietly, borrowing a line from his dear older brother.

"No idea, let's find out." Elrohir opened the cover and began to read the first page:

_Tales of a Dream Come True_

_By PrettyprettyprincesSweet16_

_XOXOXO_

He paused and scanned the page. "Hey! Legolas is in this!"

Everyone's favorite elf was now experiencing that nasty sinking feeling.

"Ooo! Continue!" Elladan giggled. In a manly way, of course.

"I have heard of this…" Arwen whispered. "It's called fanfiction…and if I'm not mistaken, this sounds like a Mary Sue."

"A Mary what?" Gimli wondered aloud.

"You know, the all too perfect girl who 'mysteriously' is dropped into our world and is essential to the quest because of some unknown talent. Oh, and she gets with Legolas here, more often than not." Elrohir explained with an amused look.

"Excellent." Faramir grinned devilishly.

"Go on, then!" Aragorn said, a little too excited to see Legolas embarrassed. It was a rare occasion that you get to see an Elf blush. So it is best to bask in the moment.

Legolas gave him a dark look.

Elrohir cleared his throat and continued, with Elladan hovering over his shoulder and grinning from ear to ear.

_It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and all was right. But nothing compared with the radiance of Starr. She was a girl unlike any other. So pretty, it hurt to look at her._

_Her long, strawberry blonde hair glistened in the morning sun._

"Obviously she has problems with grease." Merry mumbled. Legolas gave Aragorn a pointed look, as if to say, 'If I'm going down, I'm taking someone with me.'

_Her violet eyes sparkled like twin amethysts set in their place. _

"Violet eyes?" Eowyn yelped. "Is that even possible!"

_Starr tossed her hair over her shoulder, causing several nearby guys to get nosebleeds. She was just THAT pretty. _

_She walked gracefully down the wooded path to her house. It had been a long day of school, and she had (gasp) been assigned a lot of homework! The horror! _

_She let out a heart wrenching sigh. "Oh, this is terrible. My whole weekend shall be wasted! If ONLY I lived in a simpler time! My life would be so much…"_

"Simpler?" offered Gimli sarcastically.

"You may be onto something, Master Dwarf," Faramir replied with mock-seriousness.

_A small point of light suddenly appeared in the sky, and it fell slowly downwards. It stopped in front of Starr, and her bright eyes saw that it was a faerie. _

"_I have heard your wish, Starr, beautiful maiden of the west." _

Eowyn made a face. "What a load of orc-feces."

The others stared at her for a second, mildly surprised. She just shrugged.

"_It has been said that a maiden of your description is destined to travel to Middle Earth and assist its people in their time of need. I am here to fulfill this prophecy."_

_The faerie tapped Starr lightly on the head with her wand._

"Personally, I would've hit her a whole lot harder…" Pippin grumbled.

_The world gave way to blackness. _

_Starr's eyes opened slowly to see a pair of concerned blue eyes staring down at her. _

"_Where…am I?" she asked softly, her voice resembling the tinkle of many little bells. _

"_In Rivendell, my lady. Are you hurt?" _

"_I do not know." She whispered, and the man helped her up. _

_She was slightly shaky, so the man whiskered her off her feet and began to carry her. _

'_Rivendell! The faerie spoke the truth!' Starr's immense brain was working over time. She glanced up at the man and saw he had pointed elf-ears. She gasped softly as she recognized his face from the shrine in her closet._

"_Legolas Greenleaf!" she breathed. _

_He smiled down at her, radiating with an aura of power yet kindness._

Elladan let out a low whistle. "Wow, show me that aura sometime!"

Legolas buried his head in his arms. "Why me?" he moaned, voice slightly muffled.

_The two remained in peaceful silence for the remainder of the walk to the Last Homely…Thingy. _

"HOUSE! HOUSE! THE LAST HOMELY HOUSE!" Legolas practically screamed in frustration, feeling rather nauseous.

'_Such beauty I have never seen in a mortal! And she is as light as a feather!' Legolas was enraptured. 'I think I may be falling in love!'_

That was met with many catcalls.

"WOO! WORK IT, LEGOLAS!"

"When's the wedding?"

"When the ladies are light as a feather, then Legolas is stiff as a board—"

POW. Elladan got a smack upside the head.

TBC…

No need to get obscene! This has a PG-13 rating, thankyouverymuch!

Anyway, this is a good a time as any to end this extremely long chappy. I hope you all enjoyed it so far.

If you didn't know, mellyn is plural of mellon, which means 'friend'.


	2. Bipolar fic with schizphrenic tendencies

Crazyroninchic: Well, I'm back. Are you all thrilled? I got 7 reviews. 7! I'm sooooo happy. Anyway, I was looking over my story and decided on something. I'm going for a story with unnaturally mushy moments at one second, and insane…insanity at the next (the who-the-hell-would-want-to-read-this-shit insanity), punctuated by lots of internal reflections.

So, in other words, a bipolar story with schizophrenic tendencies.

(Laughs) My story needs therapy!

This story may be a bit shorter, because it's getting late…

Chapter two

Starr's eyes fluttered openly slowly. She found herself staring a beautiful… 

"ARGH! Again with the beautiful!"

_…domed ceiling with intricate carvings. Her whole room was this fancy, and simply breathtaking. Not unlike Starr herself._

_There was a knock at the door, and a young elf came in, announcing herself to be Starr's lady-in-waiting. _

_For no particular reason whatsoever, the two began to have a pillow fight._

_Amidst the flying feathers, Legolas entered the room, looking shocked._

_Starr realized that she just happened to be in her skimpy nightgown._

"Oh, what a coincidence!" groaned Eowyn.

_She shrieked and tried to cover up. Legolas merely grabbed a pillow and joined right in. Soon, several other male elves were participating, and somehow had lost their shirts…_

Well, THERE'S an image I won't be complaining about!

_In the excitement, Legolas pulled Starr gently out onto the balcony and shut the light doors. _

_He turned back to Starr and laughed. She was busy pulling feathers out of her shiny hair that cascaded down her back even despite intense physical actions. Not a hair out of place. _

_He began to help her, chuckling at the noise still emanating from inside. A sleeve of her nightgown slipped down and he pulled it back up, kissing her shoulder. _

"Ohhhh….I've got a nosebleed!" Elladan exclaimed, stuffing tissues dramatically up his nose.

"That would be terribly romantic…" Arwen began. "But somehow she ruins it."

Aragorn just laughed and shook his head.

"Well, you two are a very romantic couple! You've probably done that before, haven't you?" Pippin asked suddenly.

Obviously remembering past escapades, Aragorn and Arwen both turned a lovely shade of crimson.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Elrohir muttered.

_Starr giggled and fluttered her ridiculously long eyelashes. _

_"Your hair… it rivals even that of elves…Tell me, where are you from?" _

_"Far away…" Star said, a slightly wistful tone in her voice. "It was so hard there…" Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. "I don't know how I made it that long…If I hadn't been brought here, I don't know what I would have done!" Thick, pearly tears began to slide down her cheeks, and she buried her face in Legolas's tunic. _

_He didn't know when he had even felt so soul-crushingly helpless to aid someone before. _

"Soul-crushingly, eh?" Aragorn mused. "That's pretty bad."

_Starr looked up at Legolas, eyes shining. _

_'I've never trusted anyone so much. This is the man I love. I want to be with him forever and a day!'_

_Legolas, as if reading her mind, leaned down and pressed his lips earnestly to hers. She gasped slightly, then relaxed as he deepened the kiss. _

The room filled with laughter. The hobbits were shaking with laughter, and Faramir had to leave the room to get a hold of himself.

"If you all will just excuse me, I'll be throwing myself off the battlements now." Legolas said with fake cheer.

"Shame…on you, Leggie…Taking advantage…of a distraught…girl…" Merry managed to gasp between laughs.

"I feel like I'm the one being taken advantage of." Said Elf grumbled, seeing Gimli enjoying himself WAY too much.

_They broke apart, gasping. The kiss was magical. It was the most intense and beautiful moment of their entire lives. _

_Legolas gathered Starr up in his arms. "Oh, Starr, I love you! We were meant to be together! I shall always be yours!" _

_"It is fate…" she whispered. _

"Oh, this is ridiculous!" Arwen suddenly snapped, uncharacteristically. "She's known him, for what, a day! He could be a convicted child molester for all she knows!"

"HEY!"

"I didn't say you really WERE, Legolas."

Gimli just found this so amusing he laughed so hard he passed out. This was a good day to be a Dwarf. Hell, this was a good day for everyone except Legolas.

"Keep going!" Elladan urged.

Elrohir nodded. "I'm guessing there is an NC-17 scene coming up…" he turned the page to continue, ignoring the look of pure horror on the Prince of Mirkwood's face.

To be continued…

Oh… a cliff hanger! I'm not actually trying to be mean, but I have to wrap this up for tonight. I'll most likely be posting again really soon, so no fear!


	3. Crazy eyes

Chapter Three

_Starr's lady-in-waiting assisted her in dressing. The dress was a pale pink color that trailed slightly behind her and had ruffled bell sleeves. _

_The maid finished by brushing Starr's long hair till it shone like the sun on a bald man's recently polished head. _

"Ooo, what vivid imagery!" Merry said, trying to find the bright side.

"Uh…I think she was trying to be funny…" Pippin replied.

"Oh. Right."

_She fastened an intricate circlet around her head. When she finished, Starr was a vision of lovliness._

_Legolas entered the room and blushed. "Starr, you are a vision of lovliness!"_

"Wow, either she is running out of mushy-gushy phrases, or she just likes her characters to state the obvious!" Faramir remarked.

_Starr giggled and fluttered her eyelashes again. "Legolas, honey _(Elladan gagged loudly)_, you have yet to tell me where we're going." _

_"To a council with Lord Elrond and some guests. But I care not about the others, as long as you are there!" he cried passionately._

"I do not give a orc's arse about this wench!" Legolas practically screamed in frustration.

Aragorn pretended to look scandalized. "Prince! Language! Why, I have half a mind to report that to your daddy!"

"You've got half a mind alright…" Elrohir grinned.

"…Maybe even less!" Elladan contributed cheerfully.

_Half an hour later, Starr found herself in the company of several Elves, Dwarves, and Men. _

_The latter of the two were all staring lustily at Starr, while the elves were looking jealous. Of course, Starr's beauty surpassed all._

_(Cheezy flasebacks effects)_

_"Lady Starr, meet Lady Arwen, my daughter." _

_"Nice to meet you." Starr curtsied politely. Arwen just glared. After all, she paled in comparison to Starr's magnificence. Her hair looked greasy and unkempt compared to the glossy locks of Starr. Her skin seemed washed out while Starr was nicely tan and extremely slender, yet strong and well-filled out. _

"Yeah right!" Arwen exploded suddenly.

"Peace, Arwen. You are the fairest in the land." Aragorn reassured her softly.

Several chairs away, Faramir was whispering the same thing to Eowyn.

Arwen waved a hand dismissively. "I care not about that. It is the impossibility of being so perfect! How could she have the gall to make herself so flawless?"

Yeah, as if a freakin' elf should talk!

_(End flashback mode)_

_Starr blinked to realize she had missed most of the council. Granted, it would have been a lot of boring talking _("Boring!")_, but she missed her opportunity to get in some of her brilliant opinions _("Brilliant?"). _What a shame. _("Shame?")

"Will you stop that!" Elrohir snapped. Elladan smiled sheepishly.

_Starr looked on proudly as Legolas offered himself to the quest thingie. _

"Wow, love really does make you want to throw up." Eowyn muttered.

_Wait. Quest. Oh no! She would simply NOT allow herself to be left behind. After the strange man with the crazy eyes…_

"I HOPE she does not mean my brother." Faramir tensed slightly.

_…she stood and walked gracefully over. _

_"You have my immeasurable wisdom." She stated. She glanced at Legolas. 'And my eternal love,' she thought to herself. _

Next chapter: Getting ready for the quest! Will the Middle Earth readers go insane due to the Sue-ness of the impossibly perfect Starr?

You know, she IS fun to play with. Watch.

Crazyroninchic: 789 times 2345

Starr: (without hesitation) 1850205.

Crazyroninchic: Ain't she a kick? Couldn't you just STRANGLE her? (gets a maniac glint in her eye)

Starr: Eeep….Legolas?

Legolas: (ignores her) I was thinking more along the lines of a traditional beheading.

C: Oo, sword or guillotine?

L: Depends on how you want the cut.

C: Go on.

Well, hate to interrupt this fascinating conversation, but I have to wrap this up. Hope everyone liked the new chapter and see you for Chapter four!

Oh, and fear not! I won't be doing a bedroom scene! I'll probably just imply it. I wouldn't want to describe it, personally. (shudders) Too much perfection. It's unnatural.


	4. Convenience

Chapter Four

_Starr oversaw the packing of her things, the servants scurrying around, careful not to spite her loveliness. _

"She probably has twenty-five bags full of makeup and clothes," Eowyn said in disgust.

_It was a week till the Fellowship was to leave, but Starr had always believed in being prepared and ahead of things. A little hard work never killed anybody._

"Then why isn't she packing her own bag?" Pippin rolled his eyes.

"Honestly, Pip. She might break a NAIL!" Merry said sarcastically, as if this was the most obvious thing in all the world.

_There was a knock at the door. "Melamin?" came a smooth voice. _

Legolas shuddered. "That word is dead to me."

Arwen glanced at Aragorn out of the corner of her eye. "I pity his future love." She whispered. "Anything intimate will remind him of this wench."

"Let's get back to scarring Legolas for life." Elladan said brightly, turning back to his brother after hearing Arwen's comment.

Said prince moaned in dismay and curled into the fetal position, knowing what was coming.

"_Come in!" Starr called out sweetly. Catching her drift, all the servants exited quickly out the side door. _

"How convenient." Aragorn muttered dryly.

_Legolas entered and immediately presented Starr with a white rose and a kiss._

_Feeling more at home than anywhere, Starr looked into his crystal blue eyes. "I'm ready." She said confidently. _

Elrohir paused, his face turning green. "How bout I skip this part, for everyone's sake?" Legolas whimpered an affirmative, and the others looked slightly sick as they nodded.

He began to skim the pages, looking for the end of the nastiness and mumbling a few words to himself. "Lace…candles…rose petals…oh, THAT can't be physically possible…Legolas you dog…sheets…UGH!" Elrohir had to excuse himself to go be sick in the bathroom, and Elladan took up the book in his place.

He skipped about seventeen pages and finally stopped. "That had to have been the longest and most disgusting thing I've ever read. No, not read, skimmed!"

"Is it over?" Elrohir's weak voice could be heard from the bathroom.

"Yes."

As his twin walked back in, Elladan turned to Legolas, who had only just removed his hands from his ears. "You know, she WAS very flattering…If you know what I'm talking about…"

Legolas turned an interesting shade of chartreuse and keeled over right on the spot.

"Poor thing…" Eowyn mumbled.

He woke several minutes later and stared groggily around him. "Wha?"

"Oh, good, he's up! Let's continue!" Elladan said brightly, having taken up the spot of reader.

Legolas clapped a hand to his forehead.

_Starr lay in her prince's arms, the sheets resting lightly across their bodies—_

"Elladan!" Gimli roared. "Skip that paragraph! You're making me sick!"

"My ears! My ears!" Pippin and Merry were doing little dances of pain.

"Right o, skipping that part…" Elladan's eyes skimmed the page. "Sweet Eru, there's no end in sight!" He skipped several more pages and grinned in triumph. "Here we go!"

"So, a total of 25 pages later…" Faramir sighed.

_The ten members of the Fellowship exited Rivendell in silence. That old dude with the hat and one of the short guys with hairy feet led the way. Starr walked next to Legolas, just behind the other three midget thingies. _

"We're hobbits, you ignoramus!" Merry shouted at no one in particular.

_Aragorn and the other guy, Boromir as it turns out, brought up the rear with the hairy troll thing. They were having a hard time not staring at Starr's perky bottom. _

_They traveled for what seemed like forever, until only Legolas and Starr weren't tired. The others had not the strength to keep going. _

_Sam began to cook, graciously receiving tips from the multi-talented Starr. When Aragorn was advising the hobbits on sword-fighting techniques, they also turned to Starr for her brilliant advice. _

_Legolas suddenly jumped gracefully onto a rock and stared into the distance and a gray spot in the sky. _

"_What is that?" one of the shorties asked. _

_Starr rolled her eyes. It was SO obvious. Totally._

"Obvious, huh?" Merry muttered darkly.

"_Just a cloud." Boromir dismissed it. _

"_It moves fast, and against the wind." Someone replied. Aragorn, I think._

"_Creban!" Legolas shouted._

"_From Dunland!" Starr added. _

_The group scrambled to hide themselves._ _Starr conveniently found herself under a bush with Legolas. _

"Because may the Valar forbid her getting stuck with Gimli!" Aragorn said sarcastically.

"HEY!"

"Sorry."


	5. Caradhras and beyond

Chapter Five

_Starr straightened and dusted herself off as everyone emerged from their hiding spots once the birds were gone. She wrinkled her nose adorably at the dirt on her sleeve, not paying attention to what Whitey was saying. _

_"Spies of Saruman! The passage south is being watched. I am at a loss at what to do…" Gandalf said. _

"Yeah, riiiiight." Aragorn said sarcastically.

_"Perhaps we should take the Pass of Caradhras…" Starr put in silkily. _

_"An excellent idea! Come we make for Caradhras." Gandalf smiled gratefully at Starr. _

Pippin snorted. "Gandalf would sooner smite her with his staff than smile at such a horrible excuse for a woman."

Everyone stared at him. Where did that come from!

"You know, maybe we'll get lucky and one of us will toss her off Caradhras…" Merry looked thoughtful.

Gimli shook his head. "Nay, we all 'like' her too much."

"Pity." Elrohir shrugged. "Maybe she'll trip."

"It's our only hope." Legolas whispered, looking a bit too optimistic. Because we all know that it ain't gonna happen.

_Starr and Legolas led the way, past those floundering in the snow. _

"She even skips the part with Boromir and the ring!" Aragorn said in disgust.

"Wait," Arwen began. "Why is she not also 'floundering'? She is no elf."

"Yeah, unless she can turn into an elf when it pleases her." Faramir agreed.

_Starr had the ability to walk on snow, not due to Elvish grace, but rather a lightness of step and a lightness in general._

"Ah."

"Impossible!" Eowyn scoffed. "This story is getting more and more ridiculous."

"Just wait till someone has a death scene. It'll be, what, five, ten pages long?" Elladan smirked. Faramir looked thoughtful, so he added, "And when I say 'someone', I mean Legolas or Starr…" he pronounced her name with great sarcasm.

"Why?"

"Because they are the only ones that matter." Hoo boy, his words were just dripping with sarcasm!

Legolas looked grim. "Yet it's my only chance out of this story!"

Eowyn shook her head. "Nay. There is no doubt in my mind that she will find some way to bring you back."

Leggie groaned.

_The snow blew harder than ever, causing Starr's long hair to whip around her. She paused along with Legolas as he stared into the blizzard, listening hard._

_"There is a fell voice on the air!" he shouted. _

_"It's Saruman!" Grampa yelled. _

"Is she trying to be funny again?" Pippin asked, turning to Merry, who shrugged.

_Starr, due to her quick reflexes, notices the boulders tumbling down, and quickly pushes Legolas out of the way. _

_His eyes go wide. "My lady! You saved my life! I am forever in your debt!" _

_Starr blushed and giggled as he kissed her hand._

"Like she could POSSIBLY have better reflexes than an elf!" Elrohir said indignantly.

_"He's gonna bring down the mountain! Gandalf we have to turn back!" someone shouted. I forget who._

"Sure, she remembers all Legolas's lines and maims ours beyond recognition." Aragorn grumbled. Arwen giggled slightly.

_None were prepared for the avalanche to bury them all. Starr gasped as she found her vision obscured and her air cut off. _

"Praise the Valar!" Elladan shrieked.

_"Help!" she cried out, her voice muffled by the snow. A hand suddenly grasped hers, and pulled her up. She found herself in the strong embrace of Legolas. _

_"Mellamin? Are you alright?" _

_"Hannon lle, Legolas…I was so frightened!" she whispered, hiding her face in his tunic. _

_Some more talking, and one of the short dudes decided to take the mines of Moria or something like that. _

_Starr glared slightly at his back when no one was looking. A cave? If her hair got messed up, someone was gonna pay…And THINK of all the nasty creepy crawly things in the cave!_

"Orcs?" Faramir suggested.

_Starr made a face. She absolutely HATED spiders! _

Faramir raised his eyebrows.

_Thinking of the disgustingness that faced her, Starr longingly wished for a nice warm shower. She sighed wistfully. 'What I wouldn't give for a Starbucks coffee and a trip to Claire's!' _

Everyone blinked, unsure of what to make of this comment.

_Starr was brought back to reality by that hairy guy with the axes gasping in awe. "The walls of Moria! Dwarf doors are invisible when closed." _

_Gandalf nodded. "Yes, Gimli, there own masters cannot find them if their secrets are forgotten." _

_"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Legolas mumbled. _

_Starr's clear laughter rang out in the gloom, instantly lightening the mood of the entire Fellowship. _

_While Gandalf puzzled over the riddle on the door and yelled at random hobbit-thingies, Starr stood serenely next to the lake. _

_"Lady Starr, will you not sing us something to pass the time?" Boromir asked. _

_She smiled at him and nodded, while the others looked on eagerly. _

_"Something light and cheerful!" Pippin (the cute one) said in earnest. _

"I'm cute, am I?" Pip said dryly. "Glad she knows my name."

_Starr began, her sweet voice ringing out clearly into the night. _

_"I was so happy when you smiled,_

_Your smile breaks through the clouds of gray,_

_Far from the sunny skies that lie in sleep,_

_Waiting with patience for the spring,_

_When the flowers will bloom, renewed again,_

_Knowing there's more beyond the pain of today,_

_All though the scars of yesterday remain,_

_You can go on living as much as your heart believes,_

_You can't be born again, although you can change,_

_Let's stay together, always…"_

A/N: That really is a song, the opening from Fruits Basket. It's a sweet song, and I needed something like that…

"Wow, I'm DAZZLED!" Arwen exclaimed with mock sincerity.

"You know, 'Dan, you didn't have to sing the song as well, you could have just read it…" Elrohir remarked.

Elladan grinned and turned back to the story.

_"That was amazing!" Aragorn exclaimed. _

_"You have the most lovely voice!" Sam cried. _

_Starr giggled and gave them a peace sign. "American Idol, here I come!" _

Voom! What was that? The sound of that remark going RIGHT over their heads!

"What is she talking about!" Faramir stared at the page over Elladan's shoulder.

_She wandered gracefully over to the door, and stared up at the writing. _

_A look of understanding passed over her face. "Mellon…" she whispered._

_The doors creaked open, and Gandalf stared at her in amazement. "Brilliant, lass, brilliant!" _

Merry and Pippin were practically howling in anger. "It was Frodo who figured it out! FRODO!"

_Gimli was busy annoying Legolas with the disgusting and undignified ways of the Dwarves. 'They would have been better off staying underground where people don' t have to look at them!' Starr rolled her eyes. _

Now it was Gimli's turn to get pissed. "Why I oughta—"

"Peace, Master Dwarf. She is just an idiot." Eowyn said soothingly.

_"This is no mine. It's a tomb!" Boromir gasped. _

_The smelly Dwarf begins to blubber like a loser, and Legolas pulls an arrow out of one of the skulls and exclaims knowledgably, "Goblins!" _

_Boromir is yelling again. "We make for the Gap of Rohan. We should have never come here! Now get out of here, get out!" _

_Then Frodo is grabbed by that octopus thingy. _

"Watcher." Elladan and Elrohir chime in simultaneously.

_Sam chops off the tentacle and Starr pushes Frodo out of the way, only to be grabbed by another tentacle herself. _

"Ooo, what are the odds that the Watcher eats her?" Merry asked eagerly.

"Slim to none." Faramir replied dully. Legolas looked crest fallen.

_She screamed as she was hoisted up extremely high. _

_"No!" Legolas yelled in despair. _

_"This is most unbecoming!" Starr shrieked. She aimed her knife and flung it at the monster. It embedded in its skull. It screeched and dropped her, right into Legolas's arms. _

_They raced into the cave as it was slammed shut._

_As soon as Gandalf's light was on, Legolas was worryingly examining Starr. "Are you hurt, mellamin? Please tell me that beast did not harm you." _

_"I am fine." She replied bravely. "If not a little wet." _

_Assured that their fair female companion was not hurt, Gandalf turned and made his way to the stairs. _

_"We now have but one choice. We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world." _

"Yeah, one of them just entered in the arms of Legolas here. The Balrog better freakin' beware." Aragorn said out of the blue.

A/N: Wow, this chapter is pretty long…I was so caught up in it. I'm having fun making this corny story, believe it or not, and the reviews are just icing on the cake. Lots and lots of yummy icing. (sighs, and looks thoughtful) I could really go for some cake right now….

Anyway, I have to go, since I have swim practice. There's a guy's meet tomorrow which I'm totally psyched for…since the guys are all smokin' hot!


	6. Senility and sexhayness

To my reviewers, I love you all!

Oh, and I'm going to be borrowing another song from an anime. From Chrno Crusade, this time. And once again, I love the song, but it's fitting for the horrible fic.

Chapter Six

_Starr sighed melodically and sat down on a rock. Gandalf was busy trying to remember what path to take. _

_"Is the senility kicking in?" she giggled. _

_The cave filled with laughter. _

Whereas the room in actual Middle Earth was so quiet you could a pin drop.

(Cricket chirps)

_"Oh, Lady Starr, you are quite skilled in the art of knowing how to cheer someone up!" _

Pippin gave Merry a cheeky smile, causing Merry to grumble.

"Yeah, we're in a blasted cave that could be filled with orcs that may attack at any second; we are, for all purposes, completely lost; on a mission of great danger in which the fate of the world rests; tensions run an all-time high. Yet we find ourselves able to laugh as this wench ridicules one of our dear friends. Senile. Hmph!"

_Starr fluttered her eyelashes, somehow finding enough light in the cave to light her eyes seductively. _

_Legolas had to restrain himself from swooning. _

"ELVES DON'T SWOON!" Elladan, Elrohir, Arwen, and Legolas all yelled in unison.

_Starr, growing bored, whipped out a pen and paper from nothingness (she's just skilled like that) and proceeded to write a paper on her theories of antidisestablishmentarianism. Why? Because it's a reeeeeally long word._

Gotta give her that one." Faramir shrugged.

_She began to sing softly, just quiet enough so that Legolas alone could hear. For some inexplicable reason, she switched into French without knowing it._

"What's French?" Eowyn asked.

"Obviously some language. Strange." Aragorn's brows furrowed in thought.

_Legolas sat next to her, his eyes a deep cerulean blue. _

"How sexhay!"

"Shut up 'Dan."

_"What is it you sing?" he asked softly. _

_Starr blinked, startled. "Oh…just a song I learned at my boarding school in Switzerland…" _

"Boarding school? Switzerland? I am SO confused." Elrohir sighed and massaged his temples.

_"It is very beautiful. A fitting song for the lips that sing it." _

Legolas, whom we have not heard from in quite some time, let out a moan.

_"Leggie- honey…" Starr tittered. "You flatterer, you!" _

_However, their romantic moment was RUDELY interrupted by Gandalf standing and declaring the way to go. _

Legolas releases the breath he didn't know he had been holding. Good thing, because he was starting to turn blue.

All in the room sigh in relief.

"Dodged THAT one!" Arwen smiled.

_Some stuff happened, and then some more stuff, and then they were standing in the grave-room-thingy. Starr rolled her eyes at Gimli's shaking form. He was gonna get snot all over the marble! _

"Of all the insensitive things to write!" Gimli growled lowly.

_Starr glanced around the room, hoping her mascara wasn't smudged and her hair was still in tact. _

_The loud bang startled her from her ignoring Gandalf's little book. She groaned as the drums of the orcs began to beat. This was SO not her day. _

"And you think I was having a good day?" Pippin muttered incredulously.

"You did have a worse day than most of us. Except Gandalf." Aragorn commented, looking thoughtful.

_Legolas was looking impressive with his bow, shooting down the orcs, while Starr bravely protected the cowering hobbits. _

"We fought too…" moaned Merry, looking about ready to give up.

_Then Frodo wandered off as the troll lumbered in, and few minutes later, BAM! Frodo on a stick! _

"That's just sick." Elladan muttered.

_Starr rushed over to the fallen hobbit. Blood was quickly spilling onto the stone floor. _

_"Frodo!" Sam let out a strangled cry. _

"What happened to the mithril vest?" Pippin blinked.

_"Oh, no…this is all my fault! I should have watched him better!" Starr sobbed. _

_The others were even more devastated to see her cry. Suddenly her voice began, softly at first, then growing in sound. _

_"Star of Bethlehem, star on high,_

_Miracle love of midnight sign,_

_Let your luminous light from Heaven enter hearts,_

_Star of happiness, star of wonder,_

_You see everything from afar,_

_Fill with love the age of man,_

_Oh light, oh holy light_

_Oh light divine!" _

_She finished, and then fainted. Legolas gathered her in his arms, a panicked look on his face. "Lady Starr!" _

_They managed to tear their eyes away from her serene slumbering beauty for a minute, to see that Frodo had been healed, and the blood had vanished. _

"That would be almost miraculous…" Eowyn began. "If it had been anyone else." She finished flatly.

_"It's a miracle! I'm alive!" Frodo cried. Then he rushed over to help the others revive Starr. _

"Gimme a break…" Merry mumbled.

_ Starr awoke in the arms of Legolas. Judging by the breeze caressing her soft skin, she realized they must have been running. Blinking the blackness out of her vision, she glanced up at Legolas. _

_As if sensing her movement, he looked down and gave a cry of happiness. "Starr! Thank the Valar! I feared we had lost you." _

_He pressed a cheek on her forehead. _

"You can do that while running from about a zillion orcs? You've got some skill there, Elfy." Faramir said, pretending to look impressed.

_They stopped as they were surrounded by thousands of orcs. Legolas set Starr down to draw his bow. She glared at the surrounding orcs, for she had not wanted to leave Legolas's strong arms. She felt safe there._

_The orcs shrank back slightly at her furious look. _

_Suddenly, a loud growl sliced through the darkness. The orcs looked extremely frightened, and turned and fled. _

_As the hall emptied, a red light could be seen between the pillars. _

_"What is this new devilry?" Boromir muttered to Gandalf._

_"A Balrog…" Starr whispered, looking only slightly afraid. _

_"A demon of the ancient world…this foe is beyond any of you…RUN!" Gandalf yelled suddenly._

_Starr snorted. She could take the stupid Balrog out. But just for that comment, she decided she would let Gandalf fall. _

_'Ha! He'll be sorry!' she smiled. _

"What a b#$&!" Elrohir muttered darkly.

_So Starr felt no emotion except the grim satisfaction of revenge as she watched Gandalf fall. However, she put on a stricken face, for the benefit of the others. _

_She wrapped an arm around Legolas's waist, resisting the urge to grab his tight butt. _

Everyone present howled with laughter. Except Legolas. He almost looked surprised. Almost.

_The look on his face was heart wrenching. Starr almost felt the sting of tears. _

_Now all she had to decide was whether or not to save Boromir…_

_Nah. _

To be Continued…


	7. Emanating youth and vigor

Chapter Seven: Lothlorien, Where the Beds are Warm, Soft, and Very, Very Big!

"Where are we now?" Legolas asked weakly from where he was laying on the floor.

"We're nearly to Lothlorien." Aragorn replied.

"Oh, for the love of the Valar! Why don't I just strip down now!"

"No complaints here," Eowyn murmured.

Faramir gave her a LOOK.

"WHAT! Can you BLAME me!"

"What do you mean, Legolas?" Pippin asked, ignoring the daytime drama going on around him.

Legolas muttered something intelligible.

Aragorn translated. "No doubt Starr will be spending the night with our Elven friend here…"

"Oh…Ugh."

"Another one of those chapters?" Elrohir turned slightly green, remembering the last.

"Oh, no, not like that." Arwen said.

Everyone breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"Oh, this one will be MUCH worse!" she added.

Everyone groaned.

_"The dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark." Haldir said airly. He looked at Frodo. "You bring great evil with you. You can go no further." _

"She certainly skipped quite a bit." Merry remarked.

"I would call it plot enhancement, but I don't know…" Elladan trailed off.

_Haldir's eyes suddenly fixed themselves on Starr. Astonished by her beauty, he immediately changed his mind. _

_"On second thought, you must come with me! Such a beauty has never before been seen in Lorien save for Galadriel herself!"_

_Starr snorted. In a charming way, of course. She was SO prettier than Galadriel. _

_All the fellowship and surrounding Elves seemed to believe so as well. Except for Haldir. No wonder he dies, he's really stupid. _

"Let's kill her now!" Aragorn roared, leaping up. This chick had crossed the line.

Ooh, the be-otch was gonna PAY. She got the former Kingly-Ranger-Dude and now Rangerly-King-Dude mad.

Arwen looked pissed also. "I like Haldir! How dare she say such things! He died defending Helm's Deep, and was a most honorable Elf!"

_Starr stood breathless on the hill overlooking Caras Galadhon. It was indeed very beautiful. _

_Legolas, who was next to her, wrapped an arm around her waist, and kissed her cheek. _

Legolas whimpered.

"Oh, relax Leggie. She wouldn't have the gall to make you two get it on right out there in public!" Faramir joked.

"Somehow, that really wouldn't surprise me…" Gimli muttered darkly.

But they were lucky.

_Several minutes later, the Fellowship plus Starr stood before Galadriel and her husband. You know, that one that sounds stoned? Kelbron or something…_

"What's 'stoned'?" Pippin asked, while Elladan gagged at the horrendous way the authoress had mangled Celeborn's name.

_Galadriel said her lines, blah blah blah. She, although beautiful, appeared old and worn compared to the youth and vigor emanating from Starr. _

"Are you sure that's vigor? Perhaps she just needs a bath…" Faramir muttered.

"Yes, well perhaps we need to tie 'Lady Starr' to a tree in Lorien and let the orcs have their beasty ways with her." Eowyn said delicately.

_'You are new to this world, Starr, Maiden of the West. Your part in this quest is still to come. Play it well, little one.' Came a voice in Starr's mind. _

"Oh, so the previous occupants have moved out, then? Perhaps now this story will make sense." Gimli said.

_Starr smiled at Galadriel, and then they were led to the place they were to sleep. Soon the moon could be seen shining among the trees, casting a blue light on the forest. _

_Legolas carried a jug of water gracefully over to the tree roots where the others were. He looks upward, hearing the singing of the Elves._

_"A lament for Gandalf." _

_Merry looked up. "What do they say about him?"_

_"I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near." _

"At least she got that part right." Elladan remarked.

_Then Sam does his little impromptu about the stupid fireworks, and Starr's mind wanders as she looks around, her eyes gradually coming to a rest on Legolas. _

"Spoke too soon."

_His eyes twinkled slightly despite the cloud of grief hovering over the crystal blue orbs. _

_Starr guessed he was glad to be back among his own kind._

"Yes, so I may find some refuge from you, BANE OF MY EXISTENCE!" Legolas burst out suddenly, causing everyone in the room to jump about a foot out of their chairs.

_The others were soon asleep, but Starr couldn't sleep. _

_She started as Legolas sat down next to her. "Is the world so troubled that a beautiful young lass cannot find peace, even in sleep?" _

_Starr leaned in and kissed him, and he kissed back hungrily—_

_(A/N: Hee hee hee (giggle, titter, titter) Prettyprettyprincesssweet16 here! Due to the content of this chapter, I had to cut out the NC-25 material. If you want to read it, try my live journal. Hee hee (giggle titter guffaw…wait, what? Guffaw. Eww…that's a yucky word!) _

Those reading weren't sure whether to be relieved they were spared of those horrific images, or to be sick seeing the true personality of the authoress revealed.

Legolas was teetering on the brink of nauseous himself.

_That night was magical. In fact, it was beautiful, special, gorgeous, thrilling, miraculous, stunning, striking, wonderful, magnificent, superb, fantastic, amazing, breath-taking, astonishing, brilliant, and just-got-hit-in-the-back-of-the-head-with-a-two-by-four excellent. _

"Not to mention good." Elrohir grinned.

"You're a sadist," Legolas groaned.


	8. Convenient ignorance

A/N: Ooo, I'm ba-ack. And if you haven't noticed by now, I've pretty much given up on doing a disclaimer, because it should be pretty obvious by now that I own nothing except Starr…

And regretfully at that. Perhaps I shall sell her to the highest bidder with the express to relieve their stress by beating the living crap out of her. (thoughtful)

Starr: Meep! .

Chapter Eight: Lothlorien Beware

_Several days into their Lothlorien stay, Starr was completely at home amongst the beautiful people. The Elves welcomed her with open arms after getting over their initial jealousies. Even GIMLI was treated courteously. _

_Starr sat up from her little bed and stretched. Her wide blue eyes snapped open and she saw that the hobbits were gone, but everyone else remained asleep. _

_She stood and headed for the river to wash up, guessing that the hobbits were off eating or something. She was so preoccupied she failed to notice that a certain Elf's bed was also empty. _

"Failed to notice…or conveniently ignored?" Elladan asked while raising his eyebrows.

_She wore a bathing suit under her outfit, since she was modest and not the most comfortable with her body. _

"She is modest, Eowyn!" Arwen said with fake cheer, turning to the girl next to her.

"Yeah, right."

_And man, was she surprised to find that the river was already occupied, by Legolas. _

_She blushed, and turned away, since he was getting out, and may not be decent. _

_A tap on her shoulder caused her eyes to widen and she whirled to find herself face to face with Legolas. _

_His blue eyes sparkled with laughter. "Spying on me, Lady Starr?" _

"I feel so violated." Legolas said sarcastically. Due to the lack of recent embarrassment, he was gaining his confidence back. That won't last.

_"Of course not, I am no pervert!" Starr said indignantly, slightly hurt. _

_"Lady Starr, I did not mean to offend yo—"_

_"Just leave so I can bathe!" she said, her voice slightly higher. "Or I shall strip right here!" _

_Legolas didn't look ready to complain, but as Starr began to pull her shirt off, his gentlemanliness kicked in, and he hightailed it out of there. _

_Starr giggled, knowing that she was perfectly decent under her shirt. She WAS wearing her black string bikini, after all…_

"What's that?" Pippin asked, almost dreading the answer.

"I don't know, but I'm under the impression that it is not all that 'decent.'" Aragorn replied.

_Starr slipped into the cold water and dove down deep, the icy liquid shocking her system. She surfaced a minute later, shaking her hair out of her face. _

_The hobbits and Boromir stood in the spot where Starr had been previously, watching her as she began to swim laps across the lake. They were unsure whether or not to disturb her, for they were dirty and needed a bath. _

Boromir shifted uncomfortably. He had been relieved of the pull of the ring by and entirely different pull. A pull of love.

"Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me! Who is she going to be with? Legolas or my brother!" Faramir exclaimed angrily.

"Perhaps both…" murmured Eowyn, and Faramir paled significantly.

"Ewww!" Merry and Pippin squealed together. They couldn't help themselves.

_"Lady Starr! Lady Starr! May we join you?" Pippin ran down the hill suddenly. He was greeted by a large splash of water. _

_Starr's laughter, like the tinkling of many little bells, floated up from the water._

_The others laughed as Pippin sulked and then cannonballed into the water. The others soon joined them. _

"We have names, you know…" Merry muttered darkly.

_Legolas watched from the hill, a small smile on his lips. _

"That hill's very popular today." Remarked Elladan.

"Were you filled with lust? Naughty Elf." Chided Aragorn.

_He froze, however, when he saw Starr's face suddenly contort with pain and disappear under the water. A cramp!_

Elladan and Elrohir suddenly burst into cheers. "She's going to drown! Oh, happy day! Happy day!"

Arwen rolled her eyes heavenward and said, "She obviously didn't wait thirty minutes after eating."

_He raced down the slope, yelling to Boromir. The man of Gondor unfortunately could not understand him. _

"Drowning! In the lake! Whatta way to go—"

"Will you two shut up!"

_Legolas swore loudly in Elvish and dove into the water, sending up nearly no splash. _

The real Legolas, however, swore loudly in Dwarfish.

"I taught him that one, I did!" Gimli looked proud.

_His excellent elf eyes _(this was greeted by a round of "damn straights" from the Elves present) _scanned the water desperately. _

_And lo! There she was, floating near the bottom, her hair swirling around her. Legolas swam over as fast as her could, and grabbed her in his strong arms. He was extremely afraid now, for her skin was a deathly pale and her lips were blue._

Elladan and Elrohir's faces fell. "There's still hope!" Merry said, looking uncertain. "That she may die, I mean!"

"I thought she was drowning, not getting hypothermia!" Eowyn wondered aloud.

_Legolas surfaced, his perfect hair for once not so perfect, but wet and matted to his head. He still looked dead sexy. _

_He paddled frantically to the shore, and lay Starr gently on the sand. _

"Ooo, a cliffie! Will Starr survive?" Pippin gasped mockingly.

"Almost definitely." Merry replied.

"If not, will she have a five-page long death scene?"

"You know it."

"Will it be full of tender, romantic moments with Legolas?"

"When is it not?"

I now have NINETY-NINE reviews! You all rock my world! I mean, you guys and gals seriously rock hardcore! I'm so unbelievably ecstatic!

(Starts hyperventilating and passes out from excitement)

Legolas: O.o ! Are you alright!

Crazyroninchic: Urghh…snokweorkosdf…

Legolas: (grabs shoulders) How many Elves do you see!

C: One incredibly hot one, but that's not nearly enough! Bring on some more!

L: --

Until next time………………


	9. Ding dong the wicked witch is dead!

Chapter Nine- A Death Scene Like the Energizer Bunny: It just keeps going and going and going and going…

(And the number of members of the Fellowship there SHOULD be)

As Legolas laid her on the sand, he noticed something he had not spotted before. The black shaft of an orc arrow was buried deep in her shoulder.

"Where the hell did that come from!" Aragorn yelled.

"How could there possibly be orcs anywhere near the vicinity of Lothlorien and not be spotted!" Arwen exclaimed incredulously.

"Guys, it's a convenient plot device." Eowyn explained.

"So now there WILL be a loooong death scene…" Legolas groaned.

_"Starr! Oh no, Starr, please don't be dead!" Legolas cried out, tears forming in his eyes. _

_Her eyes fluttered open and his heart nearly stopped._

_"You're alive!" _

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Everyone screamed.

She smiled up weakly at him. "For now…" she murmured, and winced delicately as wave after wave of excruciating pain overtook her small body.

_"What do you mean?" a note of panic began to appear in his voice._

_"I know I'm going to die." Starr whispered. _

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" Everyone cheered.

_"One of the healer Elves can help you! Just hold on!" _

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Everyone screamed.

_Tears appeared in her beautiful eyes. "It's too late for me, I'm sorry Legolas…" _

_Blood was seeping through her clothes as her skin paled drastically and her eyes grew cloudy. _

_"Can you sing for me, melamin?" she asked softly. _

_Legolas smiled, tears running down his cheeks. "Of course." He took her hand in his and stroked it lightly, singing a sweet lullaby as if luring her to a peaceful sleep. One that she would never wake up from again. _

_"I remember when we first met…" she said slowly and painstakingly. "You were the most beautiful person I had ever seen…I felt so safe in your arms…" _

_"You are more beautiful than I, and you cannot leave me like this!" Legolas sobbed. _

_"It's what I have to do, Legolas. Obviously the higher power that brought me here has decided my time here is up. Perhaps I must be going back to my world now…" _

_"You'll leave me here all alone! 'Tis my worst nightmare, coming true before my eyes! I had known that someday I would have to face your death, since you are mortal, but now is too soon! We never got to get married, or any of that! I had even planned out how I would propose!" _

All the readers, who had been speechless at the stupidity, up until now, and this was just pushing it.

"What a load of bull!" Elladan muttered. "A load of bull shi—"

Elrohir put a hand over his brother's mouth before he could finish his profanity.

_"I'm so sorry! I would wish that I had never met you had I not fallen so deeply in love with you!" Starr began to cry as well._

_"You wish you had never met me?" Legolas said, looking hurt._

_"Only so that I would not have to put you through this pain! I have hurt you so deeply…"_

_"I would rather have spent this time with you than face an eternity alone." Legolas said, clasping her hands._

"Way to rip off one of my lines!" Arwen grumbled.

_"Legolas, I have never loved anyone as much as I love you! I hate that I have to leave!" Hot, angry tears now forced their way out of Starr's eyes. _

_"And just when I have found the love of my life, she has to be ripped from my arms by a cruel twist of fate!" _

_"Tell me a story about Mirkwood, for I had so wished to see it some day…" Starr said. Her breathing was growing slightly ragged._

"Yeah, she would definitely be dead now," Faramir said. He was looking forward to her death as much as anyone, but this was making him sick.

_Legolas launched into many beautiful tales of his home, while Starr listened with baited breath. _

_"How lovely…Tis a pity I shall never see it…I was looking forward to meeting your father as well…"_

_"He would have loved you like a daughter…"_

"And then you were going to MARRY her? Ewww, incest!" Elladan squealed.

Merry looked over at Aragorn. "Hey, didn't Arwen's dad kinda adopt you?"

Pippin nodded. "Yeah, wouldn't that make you kind of related…"

"No."

"But—"

"Nope."

"Well—"

"Negative."

"I mean—"

"SILENCE!" Aragorn roared. Everyone stared at him, wide-eyed.

"Oh, you HAD to go and use your King Voice, didn't you, laddie?" Gimli said, looking annoyed. "I think Pippin's gone and wet himself."

_"It's a cruel, cruel world, my love. I cannot bring myself to think of what it would feel like to go back to my horrendous world, after all the magic of this land, and leaving my one and only behind with such a heavy grief on his shoulders…I…I almost hope I will just die and not go back to my own world!" _

_"Do not say such things! To rob the world, any world, of your magnificent beauty would be a crime against the Valar! You must live and continue to brighten the world." Legolas smiled, tears still running silently down his cheeks. "So, if I have to make that sacrifice and let you go so you may make others happy, so be it." _

_"Legolas, I love you so much." _

_"And I love you." _

_"It's a shame we didn't get the chance to get married. Our wedding would be beautiful. As would our children."_

_Legolas blushed to the tips of his pointed ears._

"Awww…" Arwen and Eowyn cooed at that adorable mental picture.

_"Then don't go! Stay with me! I'm sorry, but forget the rest of the world! I cannot give you up! You mean the world to me!" _

_"My time is up. I am glad I got to spend my last moments with you. I do have a favor to ask of you." _

_"Yes, anything!" _

_"Please bury my body in a shallow grave." (hint, hint! Giggle giggle…love, prettyprettyprincesssweet16_

_"Of course…" Legolas looked stricken at the thought of a burial. _

_"And could you deliver some messages to the others?" _

"Oh, great! More stalling!" Elrohir moaned.

_"To Aragorn- You are lovely and deserve better than Arwen…"_

"Why I oughtta—"

_"…You will truly make a great king._

_"To Boromir- I knew you had feelings for me, and I'm sorry I could never return them, my heart belongs to someone else." Legolas smiled at this. "Please take care of yourself, for I see a darkness covering your shadow." _

"That would be prophetic…If it made any SENSE!" Eowyn said.

_"To the wee hobbits- Good luck on your quest and may your lives be filled with happiness. Never lose your innocence!_

"Pssh! Yeah!" Pippin said, uncharacteristically rolling his eyes.

_"To Gimli- A truly charming dwarf, and the best of luck to you in your future years. _

_"And if Gandalf were still alive, I'd tell him how he was wise beyond his years and brave and loyal." _

_"I will tell them all." Legolas said._

_Starr's breath suddenly caught in her throat. "I fear my life is drawing to a close. Farewell, my love, and never forget me!" _

_"Noo! Please don't go!" Legolas cried, gathering her into his arms and kissing her one last time._

_Starr smiled up at him, looking like an angel, and with her last breath, she whispered, "I love you…" They caught a glimpse of each other as Starr's life fled the restrains of her perfect body. _

_Then her eyes closed, never to open again. _

_Legolas's body shook like a leaf as devastated sobs racked his body. _

_The others stood off in the distance, watching him with tears streaming down their cheeks. _

_"I love you too, melamin." And he pressed a kiss to her forehead gently._

"So she's finally dead, then?" Elladan asked.

"Appears so…" Aragorn mumbled.

There was a pause. Then,

"WAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

A/N: That was a depressing chappy.

NOT!

Excuse me while I…DANCE FOR JOY!

Ding dong, the wicked witch is deeeeead!


	10. Song Stealer!

**Chapter Ten: Do I REALLY Have to Bring Her Back? I Do? Are You Sure? Well, Okay Then, Don't Say I Didn't Warn You…**

_Pain. That's all Starr could feel. It radiated outward from the arrow in her shoulder, and coursed throughout her body. Sweet relief filled her as death took her, and she found herself floating in an infinite blackness dotted with pink points of life.  
"Where am I?" she asked, her sweet voice echoing around the emptyness._

_Realizing she was all alone, and would never see her Legolas again, sadness overwhelmed her and heart-wrenching sobs wracked her tired body. _

Meanwhile, all ten readers were currently having a par-tay. Elladan was busy trying to open a bottle of wine but was having trouble with the cork.

Eowyn laughed joyfully as Faramir pressed a kiss to her cheek. "I cannot help but enjoy myself, even though I know she is probably going to come back!"

Everyone froze. "Come…back?" Aragorn whispered, not liking the looks of what his answer was going to be.

The cork finally popped out of the bottle and came close to beheading Merry. But the Elf was no longer so eager to drink himself into a gleeful coma (Elladan: I'm not? Darn.).

"Surely you did not think she would remain dead?"

"Well, yes, because that's what people who die tend to do!" Elrohir yelled.

Arwen shook her head. "You really do not yet understand the true power of the Mary Sue, do you?"

Every one of the males gulped and paled visibly.

"They are not only perfect but all knowing, well-'loved', and, most importantly, invincible."

"Is there no way she can die?" whimpered Pippin.

"Hmm. Good question…" Eowyn looked thoughtful.

"I really, really, REALLY dislike her." Legolas muttered from his chair where he was glaring darkly at the pink book as if it were the reincarnate of all evil. It probably was, but that's beside the point.

_Starr felt a tiny hand on her shoulder and looked up to see the faerie that had originally brought her to Middle Earth._

"_Peace child. Your time in Middle Earth is not yet up. It was a creul twist of fate that ended your life, but I am here to reverse that. Come now, let's not worry about how this is actually possible, and plan the most touching and romantic way for you to reunite with Legolas." _

"_Kay!" giggled Starr. _

One well-hatched plan later, Starr was preparing herself to return to her new home.

"_I can bring you back, but I cannot fully heal the wound. It will be tender for a few weeks. A perfect excuse for you to be coddled. Now, I have already enlisted the help of Gandlaf, who I am resurrecting now, as well." Starr wrinkled her nose. "Oh, don't worry, you won't have to travel back with him, you'll just both be there when back on Middle Earth." _

"_Oh, that's good."_

"_Now, go, live your life, continue being an inspiration to all, and go get your man!" _

"_I will! Thanks!" And Starr shut her eyes, very excited, yet appearing serene and calm. _

_When they opened again, she stumbled slightly, for her feet were back on solid ground. She looked up to see Gandalf a bit in front of her. He turned, his eyes twinkling. _

"_They are waiting."_

Elladan looked up from the book. "That's the end of the chapter." He turned the page. "On to Chapter…TWO?"

"That's it?" Faramir looked incredulous.

"How many chapters are in the darn thing?" Gimli asked.

"Sixty…"

"SIXTY!" yelped the rest of them.

Merry let out a very imaginative string of curses.

"MERRY!" Eowyn gasped.

"Did you teach him that while on the way to battle?" Arwen asked, slightly coldly.

"How dare you accuse me of such!"

Aragorn, sensing the catfight of the century brewing, edged his chair back, knowing he would inevitably be drawn into this. He glanced over at Legolas, who was looking relieved that everyone's attention was no longer on the story.

"Nice knowing you…" Aragorn whispered fearfully.

But as suddenly as it began, Arwen and Eowyn stopped.

"Forgive me, Eowyn, my patience grows thin because of this story. I did not mean to accuse you of such an injustice."

"Do not worry, my dear friend. No offense taken."

"Now I see the true evil of the Sue." Aragorn mumbled seriously.

"Okay then, back to the story," Elrohir said, ignoring the groans and protests of Legolas.

_It was a subdued group that left Lorein. Now all that remained were the hobbits, the two men, the dwarf, and Legolas. Said Elf was so very depressed, it was almost painful to watch. _

_Aragron put a comforting hand on his shoulder as they began their ride down the river. But the sadness was evident even in his eyes. _

"Yes, because I AM a heartless monster incapable of shedding a tear, after all..." Aragorn said sarcastically.

_They finally reached Amon Hen, still mourning the loss of their companions. Starr the most, though. _

_At camp that night, a strange presence seemed to be in the air. _

_A bright light suddenly appeared, and lo! It was Gandalf! _

"SINCE WHEN!" yelled all present in unison, glaring at the book accusingly, while Tolkien rolled over in his grave.

_They talked and blah, blah, blah. Then Gandalf held up his hand._

"_I come not alone to fight. I bring someone stronger than me and all the other wizards combined." He said. _

_Then an even BRIGHTER light appeared. It was STARR! She had returned greater than ever before! _"Aw, nuts." Pippin muttered.

_Legolas stood, too overcome with emotions. Then, with a great cry, he gathered Starr up in his arms, holding her and never wanting to let go. _

"My love! You have returned! Empty has been my life of late! Now I can go on living again!"

"I think I'm going to be sick again…" Elrohir muttered.

"Way to sort of copy one of Theoden's lines, too." Faramir rolled his eyes.

_Legolas stared deep into her eyes, both sets of crystal orbs locking onto each other and searching the very depths of each other's soul. Their lips met in a passionate kiss, something they had believed they would never again share. _

_The others crept away to leave the two lovers to their fun…_

"Excuse me." Elrohir made a gagging motion.

"That's kinda disgusting…" Arwen looked green.

"Oh, Leggie! I want you right here! On the pine needles, rocks, and roots!" Elladan mocked, in a high-pitched voice.

That caused quite a lot of laughter. Even Legolas joined in.

_Starr awoke the next morning by the dwindling campfire. Remembering the 'activities' of last night, she blushed prettily and grinned. The campsite was quiet, everyone else still asleep. Legolas must have been out patrolling because he was nowhere in sight. Then she noticed that the hobbits and Boromir were missing as well. _

"Ummm…how could you miss that?" Merry muttered.

"She's obviously going to skip right to the part where we battle the Uruk-hai." Gimli offered.

_She jumped about five feet out of her down feather sleeping bag at the sound of a horn going off. The others started awake, and sat up staring wildly around them._

"_The horn of Gonder!" Aragorn yelled._

_Starr was off like a flash, knowing what that meant. Her incredible sense of direction led her to where Boromir was fighting. _

_She made her way over to him, cutting down orcs as she went. He smiled, happy to have a partner in his fight. Misery loves company, right? HAHAHA! _

_He was horrified to see an Urek-hi loading a bow to fire, directly at Starr. _

"_Look out!" He yelled. Time seem to move in slow motion as the beast fired, and Boromir ran in front of Starr, shielding her. _

_Three arrows in succession were fired into the man. Starr screamed as he dropped, and began to fight all the more quickly, tears blocking her vision. _

_Thankfully, Legolas and the others arrived, and began picking off orcs. _

"Where are we, during all of this?" Merry asked, looking somewhat annoyed.

"You mean during this mockery of my brother's sacrifice by having him give his life for someone who can be resurrected any way?" Faramir was not just annoyed. He was PISSED.

_Starr dropped to her knees next to him. His skin had grown pale as life fled his body. _

"_Please don't die…I could not bear the guilt. You died protecting me, and I will always be grateful." Tears dropped from her eyes as she looked down upon the dying man._

"_Do not be guilty. It is what I had to do. Just do me one favor, and sing me a prayer when I am buried." _

"_Of course." _

_Starr stood on a rock overlooking the falls, with Legolas, Aragron, and Gilmi behind her. The wind caused her hair and dress to whip around her as she watched with tear-filled eyes as the boat containing Boromir made it's way to the falls, carrying it's brave warrior to a better place, one where he could finally be free._

"That was a very long sentence." Said Eowyn dryly.

_Starr began her song, her clear voice ringing out in the moist air, heard above the roaring of the falls. _

"_Home is behind, the world ahead,_

"Oh no, she didn't." Pippin began.

_And there are many paths to tread…_

"I know she is not stealing my song."

_Through shadow, to the edge of night!_

"The one I made up on the spot for Denethor."

_Until the stars are all alight._

"And was very proud of."

_Mist and shadow, cloud and shade,_

"I know she is not stealing one of my most serious moments…"

_All shall fade, all shall…fade…" _

"That wench!" Pippin yelled. "We hates her, Precioussss!"

_Starr ended in a whisper, tears now flowing freely down her cheeks as they all caught a last glimpse of Boromir, son of Denether. _

_Starr followed Legolas to the boats, as he pointed out to Aragorn that Frodo and Sam had reached the eastern shore. _

_Starr glared at the Ranger as he did not follow Legolas. The Elf would have made SUCH a better leader, but noooo…_

"_I will not abandon them to torment and death." Aragorn said. Starr blinked. Oh yeah! Those two hobbits! They were gone, that's right!_

"Nice of you to remember us." Merry said almost cheerfully. "You are SO lucky you weren't captured along with us because we would tell the Uruk-hai that you are a spy from Rivendell, and since you aren't a hobbit, they can most definitely eat you. And then we would point and laugh."

The others looked shocked and frightened. One thought was running through all of their minds: Woah, back AWAY slowly from the extremely scary hobbit…O.o

"_Come, let's hunt some orc!" _

"_Yee-HAH!" Starr cheered, and the others laughed as they made their way into the forest to find the hobbits…what were their names again?_

END PART ONE

_(But I'll be back!)_


	11. Gender 101

Chapter Eleven: OMG, WE'RE ALREADY ON THE SECOND PART!

_Starr rolled her eyes and snapped her gum as she waited impatiently for Aragorn to get up out of the dirt. He would get even filthier than he already is! Gross! _

_"Their pace has quickened. They must have caught our scent." He said, standing up. Legolas was just looking yummy, and Gimli was way behind, running VERY slowly up the hill. _

"And like you'd be right up there with the Elf and Aragorn! They are inhuman!" Gimli yelled. Legolas gave him a look. "Well, yes, I know you ARE inhuman, but what I mean is that you two can run forever and not break a sweat!"

_Aragorn took off, yelling "Hurry!" over his shoulder. _

_Legolas looks back at the Dwarf still laboring over the incline. "Come on, Gimli!" _

_"Yes, here boy! Come on boy!" Starr whistled as if calling to a dog. She and Legolas laughed and joined hands, running lightly over the ground after Aragorn. _

Then some more stuff, blah, blah, Elvish leaf pin, blah blah, cross-country, blah blah, Dwarves suck, blah blah.

"The nerve of the wench!" Gimli growled.

_It was morning. _

"Okay…" Elladan grumbled.

_"The red sun rises, blood has been spilt this night," Legolas whispers. Starr resists the urge to swoon. _

_Soon, the four are behind a rock, watching warily as the horses run by. Aragorn recognizes them, steps out from their hiding place. _

_"Riders of Rohan, what news from the Mark?" _

_Starr wrinkles her nose as they are suddenly surrounded by a lot of smelly horses, and even smellier men. With sharp pointy spears. But she is not afraid, for Legolas will protect her no matter what. _

"That's what you think…" Said Elf muttered to no one in particular.

_One of the men moves forward. "What business does an elf, a man, a dwarf, and…" he gasped. "A woman!"_

_"You've just passed Gender 101!" Starr said sarcastically. _

_"Forgive me, my lady, we rarely see such beauty on these plains. It is a special treat to meet someone so exquisite." Eomer said. _

"I don't think my brother has ever used the word "exquisite" in his entire life." Eowyn commented dryly.

"This will be such an interesting story to tell him when you return to Rohan." Merry said sarcastically.

"I almost hope he falls in love with her so I can tease him!" Eowyn said, slightly amused.

_"Ahem! Anyway, what is your business in the Riddrmark? Speak quickly!" _

_"Your real name, horse master, and I shall give you mine." Gimli said foolishly. _

_"I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground." _

_"You would die before your stroke fell!" Legolas says, very manly and intimidating. _

"While every other guy prances around picking flowers and singing about butterflies and unicorns?" Arwen wondered aloud. This earned her some strange looks. She shrugged. "Just a thought."

_Aragron calms him, much to the dismay of Starr. She had so hoped to see Legolas kicking some booty! "I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, this is Gimli son of Groin _("It's Gloin!" screamed LotR fans everywhere) _and Legolas of the Woodland Realm. We are friends of Rohan, and of Theoden, your king." _

_Then Eomer starts ranting about some old guy, and Starr tunes him out, in favor of staring at Legolas's tight abs. _

"Legolas, I think she FANCIES you." Elrohir said sarcastically, a gleeful grin on his face.

"Gee, ya think!" he muttered back.

"I'm glad you nancing Elves think it's so hilarious how she insults my entire race in a few paragraphs!" Gimli said, annoyed.

"Now you know what I have to go through." Legolas said, his voice dangerously low.

_Starr is brought back to reality by two horses coming forward. Legolas helps her up behind him, and Gimli joins Aragorn. _

"I'd prefer Gimli." Legolas grumbled.

"Hey, I don't want to be stuck with her either!" Aragorn said quickly.

_Starr nearly lost her lunch at the sight of the burning orc corpses. Not wanting to spend more time than necessary there, she headed for the sight where Aragorn begins his tracking. _

_"What's this?" she questioned loudly. He hurried over and inspected the spot, then soon led them to the woods. _

_"Fangorn Forest, what madness drove them in there?" Gimli wondered._

_"Umm…I don't know let me see, how about some orcs, and about a jillion Rohan dudes with sharp sticks that kill everything in their paths?" Starr rolled her crystal blue eyes heavenward. "Use your common sense." _

_The four enter the forest, unsure of what they will find in the tangled bows._

A/N: Once again, really sorry that was so short, but I cannot concentrate today!

Thanks again to everyone, and see you next chapter.


	12. Power Bars and POed Dwarves

**Chapter Twelve: The Desperately Trying to Fill in Loose Ends and Plotholes Chapter**

_Starr stared around her in awe. _

_Awe that a place could be so…so…_

_Boring. And messy. _

_Honestly. _

_Then Gimli goes and licks a berry, and splutters. "Orc blood!" _

_Starr looks over at him sympathetically. "Oh, dear Gimli, if you're hungry I have some Power Bars in my pocket…" _

"What is this Power Bar she speaks of?" Elladan wondered aloud. "Does it add to your strength?"

"Perhaps it is the source of her invincibility!" Elrohir suggested.

"_These are strange tracks." Aragron muttered._

"_The air is close in here." Gimli whispers. _

"_I'm feeling claustrophobic," Starr said softly, pressing a hand over her heart, about to swoon. "It's hard to breathe…" _

_Legolas took her up in his arms, holding her close. "Now you shall not have to walk." _

_Starr giggled and batted her eyelashes at him. _

_It was then they noticed that Gandalf was gone. Must've wandered off, the senile old git. _

_But no one cares, so mooooving on…_

"This is her pathetic attempt at getting the storyline more or less back on track?" Merry asked, an incredulous look on his face.

"_This forest is old. Very old. Full of memory and anger." _

_Starr shivered and drew closer to her Prince. His blue eyes stared around, giving her a chance to look at him closer. His blonde hair cascaded over his shoulders, shining faintly in the dim light of the forest, his pale skin not marred by any scratch or dirt. He was truly an angel. _

"Awwwwwwww!" Chorused Elladan, Elrohir, Merry, Pippin, and Gimli all together.

If looks could kill, all five of them would've died VERY painful deaths, right there.

"_Gimli!" Starr snapped. "Put down your axe! You're scaring the trees!" _

"I'm trying to picture her attempting to look stern while being CARRIED, and all I get is a really funny picture." Pippin said thoughtfully.

"_Aragorn! Nad no ennas!" Legolas whispered loudly. (Something's out there!)_

"_Man cenich?" the handsome _(Arwen growled)_ Ranger replied. (What do you see?)_

"I'm surprised she actually got the Elvish right." Gimli grumbled.

"_The White Wizard approaches." _

_Starr shivered with anticipation as they all drew her weapons. She held her twin daggers in her hands. _

_A bright light suddenly appeared, and they all shielded their eyes. _

"_Woah, I'm getting hardcore dejavu!" Starr whispered. _

_She swore loudly in Elvish as the handles of her blades turned white-hot. _

_The figure conversed with them for a little while, but Starr was too busy trying to remember this part in the movie. _

'_Oh, of course!' she thought, mentally smacking herself._

"Not hard enough!" Elladan said with fake cheer.

"_Gandalf!" she cried. _

_The figure frowned and the light faded, indeed revealing the old-as-dirt wizard._

"_Oh, just you…" muttered the three males._

"_I was TRYING to be dramatic." _

"_Quit being such a drama queen and let's go." Starr rolled her eyes heavenward. _

"I have no idea what a drama queen is, but I am sure Gandalf is not one!" Eowyn said shrilly.

"_Why did you wander off anyway, Gandalf?" Aragorn questioned. _

"_Gandalf…yes, that is what people call me…"_

"_Looks like it's time for your medication!" Starr put in cheerfully._

_The five of them continued on their way through Fangrom. Starr decided to entertain them by taking a popular song from a cute movie and using it to her own needs. _

"_Just keep walking, just keep walking, just keep walking, what do we do, we walk walk walk!" _

_Then she started on another favorite. _

"_I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, on everybody's nerves, on everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes! I know a song…" _

"ENOUGH! ENOUGH!" Screamed all present as Elladan began singing the song.

"Hey, I kinda like this song!" he said, grinning.

"Now we're gonna have to hear it all the way back to Rivendell, and for the next hundred years THERE, and when Ada (let's just pretend he's still there) finds out who taught him it, he'll want to murder her as well." Elrohir groaned.

"The poor Elves may just go insane," Faramir said sadly. "What a pity, since there aren't that many left on these shores, and I fear that the four in this room are too far gone already…"

Everyone in the room WAS in various stages of crazy. Legolas was in the fetal position in his chair, sucking his thumb. Elladan was next to Elrohir, and both wore identical expressions of indifference. Hey, as long as there were no more "scenes", Elrohir would be fine…

Gimli looked pissy. He had just been insulted viciously. Faramir and Eowyn held hands and looked half amused and half annoyed. Aragorn was twitching slightly. He was a lesser victim of Sue's interests, but still a victim. Arwen was looking extremely defensive, ready to jump at the throat of any girl who got too close to her man. Can you blame her for being paranoid?

The hobbits were so immersed in the incredible stupidity of the fic, they had forgotten about second breakfast, since it was already morning. They had stayed up all night, lost in Mary Sue idiocy.

"How bout we grab some breakfast, and come back to finish this?" Elrohir suggested. After emptying his stomach the night before, he was rather hungry.

Legolas brightened significantly and was out of the room in a flash, the now-hungry hobbits right on his tail.

Faramir and Aragorn were the last two out. They shared an unsure glimpse at the open monstrosity on the table.

"I just hope it doesn't escape and run loose around the castle…" Faramir whispered fearfully.

Aragorn nodded. "It feels like it could…"

They squared their shoulders and marched out. No sissy pink book was going to scare them. HA! They were manly men!


	13. Crap her personality is back

Chapter Thirteen: Oh wow, the story is a teenager now…our little ficcy is growing up…(sniff)

The ten friends moved begrudgingly back in the room, settling into their seats.

"You know, we don't HAVE to read the rest of this story…" Legolas said, looking hopeful.

"Hmmm…" Elrohir pondered this, looking thoughtful. "Nice try."

"DO YOU ALL HATE ME OR SOMETHING!" Legolas yelled out of the blue.

They nearly fell out of their chairs.

"Peace, Legolas, we are nearly half way there." Arwen said soothingly.

_"So we are headed to Rohan, I presumeth?" Starr conversed with Gandalf. The old wizard assented and the two began discussing best possible strategies while Aragorn was Manly, Gimli was Ugly, and Legolas was Sexy. _

"By the Valar…are appearances the only thing that matter to this woman?" Faramir remarked almost incredulously. "Never judge a book by its cover."

Gimli raised an eyebrow and gave the book in Elladan's hands a pointed look.

"Well, alright, judge THAT one by its cover, but that's not what I was going for with this…"

_They did not stop to make camp, but kept riding throughout the night. Starr stifled a yawn. The Elf she rode in front of needed not a great deal of sleep, but she did, so she settled back against him, fluttering her eyelashes drowsily. _

_He smiled to himself, and began to sing an Elvish song very softly. The combined motion of the horse's pace and the lulling qualities of the sleeping caused Starr to fall asleep almost immediately. _

_(Dream Sequence)_

"Oh PLEASE don't let it be a nasty dream!" Elladan pleaded the powers that be.

"I'm leaving if it is." Gimli said firmly.

"Ditto." Muttered Aragorn.

_Starr was in a hallway. Gasp! The hallway at school. Suddenly it was filled with students, hurrying to and fro, knocking her about harshly. It was her worst nightmare: she was invisible to the world! Her tremendous beauty, and no one could see her! _

_Suddenly a shadow loomed over her and she whirled to see a stern-faced Mrs. Lurtz towering over her. _

_"Three months of classes you have missed! You'll never catch up!" _

_The teacher shoved a heavy load of books into Starr's hands and disappeared. More and more teachers began coming up to her and giving her work to do._

_Starr let out a choked sob as the books tumbled from her grasp, a steady flow of teachers still coming. They scolded her and smacked her with the yardstick for being careless. _

"That's just wrong." Pippin moaned.

_"No…stop…leave me alone…I don't have to listen to you any more…go away, go away! Help me! Someone, help!" _

_Starr snapped awake, her breath coming in short gasps. Legolas's arms were around her tightly, and he had paled significantly. _

_"Are you alright, melamin?" He asked, his voice full of concern._

_"Bad dream…" she gasped, tears now streaming down her cheeks. Her shoulders shook uncontrollably as she sobbed silently. _

"THAT was a bad dream?" Eowyn said. "No, that wasn't a bad dream, and I should know."

_Up ahead, Gandlaf smiled sadly and turned to Aragorn. "It seems our fair female companion has many demons of her past still to battle." _

"A little work never hurt anyone, so this chick needs to grow up and get a life." Merry said suddenly. Fearing another Scary Hobbit Outburst, the others tensed and gulped visibly.

But Merry calmed down and went on listening.

_"I need to be distracted, and I also need you to keep me awake, so talk to me. About anything. About our children." _

"Their children?" Pippin asked. He and Merry looked at each other for a second, then shuddered simultaneously, twin looks of horror on their face.

Elrohir excused himself for a second. He returned, muttering something about 'weak stomach'.

"At least you have an excuse to leave the room." Legolas said, looking deadpan.

_"We'll have the most beautiful children ever." Legolas said, rubbing Starr's back soothingly. "Two girls and one little boy. The girls will be the fairest in all of Arda, sweet young things, doe-eyed and soft-spoken. The boy will be intelligent and a born-leader." _

_"And their names? What would you want to name them?" Starr asked._

_"Mallovorien and Meluivain for the little girls, and Edraitheru for the boy." _

_Starr sighed. "Elvish names are so beautiful…" _

"Interesting choice of names." Arwen said thoughtfully.

"I do like them. I probably would pick names like that…" Legolas said.

"She knows you too well. It's scary." Elladan said, going wide-eyed.

_The next day, the five travelers found themselves at Medrusold, the Golden Hall Thingy._

_They led their horses up towards the hall, people outside of their homes staring. _

_"You'd find more cheer in a graveyard." Gimli complained. _

_"Starr's beauty seems to fascinate them." Gandalf explained. _

_Starr gave them a dazzling smile to make their day. The people relaxed and went back to their daily activities. _

"More like they are upset because their king is possessed." Elrohir said.

_Starr noticed Aragorn staring, and followed his gaze up to Modreold. There was some chick, all in white. _

_'Oh great, another greasy haired, wannabe beauty.' Starr rolled her eyes. But the girl was gone, and the group continued to make their way up to the Hall._

"Oh, fudge, I forgot she was going to mercilessly trash my appearance and undermine my character." Eowyn groaned.

"Don't worry, it'll be over soon," Arwen said sympathetically.

"You know, breakfast was good, and I was almost ready to come back, and thought I could put up with it. But you know all those annoying little quirks like what her narcissism, her sayings, her PERSONALITY? Well, they'll all back, and she's picked up even more new ones!" Aragorn said suddenly.

His only response was an affirmative groan from Legolas.

To be continued….


	14. They like to SHAG

Happy Valentine's Day! I'm single…sniff…

ARGH! I spilt soda on my keyboard last night and now the space bar sticks slightly when I press it down! Grrrrrrr!

Chapter 14: AAAAAHHHH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT'S AN NC-17 SCENE! HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLP!

_Starr stood proudly next to her Elf as Gandalf conversed with the crusty old dude. What was his name again? _

_She enjoyed the jealous looks the old hags around her were throwing her way. _

_Then she made a cute face of disgust when she spotted the nasty guy sitting next to the Crusty Old Dude. Gross! Did he know what shampoo was? And how bout facials! Not to mention at-home tanning…_

Elladan looked up. "This goes on for about three pages. Can I skip it?"

"YES." Chorused every member of the group.

_The creepy greasy guy was staring lustily at Starr's perky chest. Legolas was not too happy about that. _

"Please. Even GRIMA wouldn't touch her with anything but a knife." Aragorn scoffed. Eowyn laughed lightly.

_Then there was some fighting and blah, blah, blah. All the guys were too busy staring at Starr's –ahem- assets…to fight, so she was taking down a LOT of them with her kickboxing skills. _

_Later that night—_

"WAIT JUST A MINUTE!" Pippin exclaimed.

"How could she just SKIP RIGHT OVER all that important information?" Merry asked incredulously.

Arwen sighed. "Because Sue's have no consideration for things such a PLOT DEVELOPMENT and CONSEQUENCES."

"They just like to SHAG." Gimli said suddenly.

Everyone froze and stared at him, wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

"Well, they do!" he insisted.

Dead. Silence.

"I'M NOT THE PERVERTED ONE! I'M NOT THE PERVERTED ONE!" Gimli yelled desperately.

_Starr tossed and turned in her bed, moaning in agony. _

Eyebrows UP. There they go.

_Legolas, his keen hearing allowing him to hear her from next door, crept into her room. "Starr? Melamin? Are you alright?" _

_He reached the bed and laid a hand on her forehead. _

_Starr jumped. She had been having a similar nightmare as earlier, and plus, her shoulder was throbbing dully. That usually meant there was moisture in the air and it was going to rain. _

"So she can predict the weather, now?" Faramir asked sweetly.

Legolas just muttered something, knowing what would come of the fictional Legolas being in Starr's room at night when she is 'vulnerable.' Honestly, he was not a lech, he wouldn't take advantage of a distraught female!

"Apparently you would." Elladan said without looking up from the book.

Legolas blushed. Whoops. Did he say that out loud?

_Starr gasped softly. "I'm alright," Legolas smiled and turned to go. _

_Starr's hand shot out and grabbed blindly for his in the dark. He stopped and turned back to her with a questioning look. _

_"Don't leave me." She whispered. "I'm ready for this. It's been far too long." _

"SWEET ERU NOT AGAIN!" chorused the entire room.

Elladan was already skipping over the parts that were unfit for ears to hear. But doing so, it required the poor Elf to actually READ some parts of it. Obviously he wasn't ready for this, and there was a particularly bad description.

He turned a neon green and passed out right there.

Legolas, feeling brave, peeked at the page and his eyes bugged out of his head. He collapsed right next to the other Elf.

Faramir reached for the book. "I guess I'll be taking over…" he looked unsure of himself.

Eowyn looked ready to cry. "You'll be scarred for life!" she whispered.

"I can handle it." He said gravely.

Faramir turned back to the page and all the color drained out of his face. "By the Valar, she does not need to ILLUSTRATE it."

Elrohir turned a funny pink color and then began to laugh lowly. Soon, he was rolling on the ground, laughing maniacally. Apparently our dear Elven friend had finally snapped.

Merry and Pippin lost it as well, and were soon lost to insane peals of maniac laughter.

Aragorn, not seeing what was so funny, had a half-annoyed, half-disgusted look on his face.

"This is gonna drive me to drink." Arwen muttered.

"It hasn't yet?" Eowyn asked, ignoring the hysterical hobbits and Elf rolling on the floor. "Give it time."

_Starr lay in Legolas's strong arms as the rain streamed down outside. It was a light spring rain, so the windows of the room were open. A cool breeze blew in, cooling the warm bodies beneath the sheets. _

_"I love you…" Legolas said lovingly. _

"And then he lovingly kissed her with all the love one could muster to love a person who loves to use the word 'love' to describe every single loving moment as if there were no synonyms for the word love." Elladan said as he came to in time to hear that last bit.

_"Hannon le…I love you to, pumpkin." _

"Because big orange vegetables are soooo sexhay," Elrohir stopped laughing long enough to express his opinion before succumbing to the laughter again.

"This is getting ridiculous." Aragorn sighed, rubbing his temples.

"Just now you realize this?" Legolas asked, waking up as well.

The laughter of Elrohir, Merry, and Pippin was slowly dying down, their faces tomato red and tears of mirth rolling down their cheeks. Which is enough to make anyone else laugh, so everyone was busy NOT looking at them. There was nothing funny to laugh about in the story, but seeing an Elf lose his composure like that…

This group of readers obviously needs some time to get a hold of themselves and maybe go to therapy, so…

To Be Continued…

A/N: Well, next chapter, our characters will have composed themselves.

Hopefully.


	15. Gee I should have recognized him

Chapter 15: Welcoming old friends

Faramir cleared his throat as everyone settled back in his or her seats. It was only an hour later (they had a really good therapist), and they were all back to normal (as much as they ever were).

He was about to continue on, much to the displeasure of Legolas, when there was a knock on the door.

A sandy-haired teenage boy walked in, glancing nervously at all of the important figure in the room, before turning to Aragorn.

"My Lord, there are two visitors requesting your presence in the Main hall."

"Godan, who is it that waits for me?"

"I know not, My Lord, for they are hooded and cloaked."

"Very well, send them up here," Aragorn said after a short pause.

Godan nodded and left the room. Arwen laid a hand gently on her husband's arm. "Were you expecting visitors, _Hervenn?_" (husband)

Aragorn shook his head, confusion clouding his face.

Merry and Pippin settled themselves on the floor, munching on apples, while the others sat in the chairs that remained from when they last had read.

Another soft knock on the door, and the two figures walked in. Indeed, it was impossible to distinguish their identity, except for the fact that they were male. All that was visible was their mouths.

"Your Highness." One nodded.

"Who are you?" Aragorn asked bluntly, quite baffled.

The corners of the mouth of the one who had spoken turned up slightly. "I am hurt. You do not remember an old friend?"

The hood of his cloak was thrown back, and long golden hair streamed over his shoulders.

"Glorfindel!" Aragorn exclaimed, and embraced the Elf. He looked awkward, then hugged back.

Elladan and Elrohir had identical Gee-I-Should-Have-Recognized-Him looks on their faces.

Everyone jumped as Eowyn suddenly tackled the second stranger.

"Eowyn, wha—" Faramir began, totally surprised.

She pulled back the hood to reveal…

"I knew it! Eomer!" Eowyn squealed quite uncharacteristically, and hugged him so tight he turned blue. (I know there is an accent over the E, but I'm too lazy to put it in…)

"Dear sister, good to see you!" Eomer said, massaging his ribs as Faramir pretty much dragged Eowyn off him.

The two men clasped hands, and Eowyn was simply beaming.

"How does Rohan fair?" Faramir asked.

"Pretty smoothly, though my uncle was much better at it than I…" Eomer stopped when a look of sadness passed over Eowyn's face. It was gone as quickly as it came, and she walked over to the other group who was welcoming Glorfindel.

"She tries very hard to hide her sadness, does she not?" Eomer said softly.

"I don't think she wants to worry the rest of us…" Faramir said sadly. "But these are dark words for a light time. Come! Join us for a bit of 'fun'…"

Legolas, who had joined them for the last bit of the conversation, rolled his eyes, exasperated. "If you can call it that…Fun for you, maybe."

Glorfindel took a seat next to Arwen, and Eowyn insisted Eomer sit next to her, with Faramir on her other side.

They were about to recap for the two new listeners, when Godan appeared at the door once more.

"Begging your pardon, My Lords, My Ladies, but I believe that you have forgotten someone…" he shifted uncomfortably.

Eomer smacked a hand to his forehead. "How inconsiderate of me! Send him up!"

Godan nodded. "Yes, My Lord."

The ten others looked at the two mischievous newcomers.

"Who else is here?" Elladan asked.

"You'll see…" Glorfindel said lightly.

Soon another figure appeared in the doorway, much…shorter than the rest.

"SAM!" Merry and Pippin exclaimed, jumping up and running to greet their hobbit friend.

"Nice to see you all again." Sam said as he entered.

"And it does my heart good to see you again, Master Hobbit." Gimli said gruffly.

"Welcome back to Gondor, Master Gamgee." Aragorn said, beaming. Most of the Fellowship was now reunited, along with several others.

So now, with three new members, bringing the total readers up to thirteen, those familiar attempted to recap the story so far:

"She thinks she is the most PERFECT thing in the whooooole Arda!"

"She weighs next to nothing!"

"Males who look at her get nosebleeds!"

"That damn faerie should die!"

"They have random pillow fights for no apparent reasons!"

"Nightgown sleeves mysteriously slip down!"

"Her hair is shinier than an Elf's!"

"She THINKS she's smarter and more beautiful than anyone alive!"

"THERE WAS A TWENTY-FIVE PAGE SEX SCENE!" Elrohir yelled suddenly.

Sam, Glorfindel, and Eomer stared at him, open-mouthed.

"Well, there was!" he insisted.

Silence fell over the room as everyone mentally eviscerated Starr with a toothpick, and then continued on with the recap.

"She could walk on snow due to 'lightness in general'!"

"Her reflexes are faster than Legolas!" (Sam: How is THAT possible?)

"Yet when buried in snow she is helpless!"

"She hates Dwarves!"

Glorfindel smiled. "No comment." Then, at Gimli's murderous look, added, "Kidding!"

"She died and came back to life!"

"My brother 'died' to save her, even though she could just be resurrected again!"

"She makes TONS of irrelevant references to things we know nothing about!"

"She sings too much," Merry said decidedly.

"SONG STEALER!" Pippin yelled suddenly.

Arwen sighed. "So, to sum it all up, Starr is the most perfect being in the entire Middle Earth, she is strong and brave and beautiful and smart, she is immortal, and she gets the hot Elf."

"Gotcha."

TBC…


	16. Sweet Elbereth there are two of them!

Chapter 16: Sweet Elbereth there are two of them!

"Are you ready for this?" Elladan asked, almost seriously.

Glorfindel, Sam, and Eomer nodded gravely.

"It may scar you for life?" Elrohir added.

"And yet you still carry on reading?" Glorfindel mused.

"We had no idea what we were in for." Eowyn said gloomily.

"And now we're all pretty much too far gone to help." Arwen pointed out sweetly.

"Oh, well. Let's give it a try anyway." Eomer said.

"You asked for it…" Faramir said. He laughed softly and began once again to read…

_The next day, Starr and the rest of the Fellowship were introduced to Ewwen, Thedeon's niece or something. _

'_Ewwww…' was Starr's first thought upon seeing her. _

_Eowwn's hair was long and blonde, but had a brassy, greasy look to it, that made Starr wonder if she knew what a brush was…_

_She seemed kinda whiny too. _

"Why does she mock you so?" Eomer frowned.

"Because she thinks she's more perfect than anyone in the world, because she thinks we care about what she has to say, and because it boosts her own ego." Merry said boredly. Yeah, he's heard it all before.

_But no one cares about her, the overweight, greasy-haired, sallow-skinned, ugly, unattractive, unappealing, nasty, unpleasant, distasteful, repellent, uninviting, unsightly, horrible, repulsive, revolting, dreadful, horrible, hideous, disgusting, sickening, ghastly, filthy, sordid, nauseating Eowyn. _

Everyone in the room jumped as Eowyn seized a pillow off a nearby chair, whipped out a dagger, and proceeded to stab it viciously.

"Eowyn, darling! What are you doing?" Faramir exclaimed worriedly.

"Taking out my frustrations. Better this than a person, right?"

"Uhh—"

"RIGHT?"

"Right!" Faramir said quickly.

"And if I have to hear one more synonym for the word 'ugly', I won't be responsible for my actions."

Poor Sam had eyes the size of dinner plates and was looking scandalized to have heard a lady insulted so. "She seems like a vile girl."

"Vile! That's a new one!" Eowyn said. Then she twitched slightly. Sam began to back away slowly.

"She kinda scares me…" Gimli muttered to Pippin, who nodded vigorously.

"Not that I blame her," Merry replied softly. "Good thing I didn't laugh when Faramir read that last paragraph."

"Eowyn would probably be taking her frustrations out on you instead of that pillow." Legolas said. He was desperately trying to hide his amused expression that someone else was getting ragged on.

Eomer sighed. "She is just jealous. She puts you and Arwen down because she knows that you are both beautiful and she could never compare."

"Five minutes and he already knows the ways of the Sues!" Arwen looked impressed.

Aragorn nodded. "You're good."

_Legolas, Aragorn, the hobbits, and Starr were in the dining hall later on that day. _

_Starr sighed happily. "You know what I was thinking?" _

"_What?" chorused the other four, very interested in what she had to say._

"_Well, I am so lucky to be here, to escape the toils of my own world—"_

"To land right smack in the middle of war on which the future of the entire world rests?" Glorfindel offered.

"—_into a world full of handsome Elves and Men, and cute hobbits." _

"Wasn't expecting that."

Elladan and Elrohir shared a smirk. Glorfindel had NO idea what he was in for…

"_I did have a dear friend back home that loved Middle Earth from afar as I did."_

"By the Valar, please no…" Legolas was white as a sheet as he realized what was about to happen.

"_She is the only one I truly miss from my old world. She would have loved to see it here…" _

Eowyn, Aragorn, Arwen, and the twins, having caught on, were looking terrified.

"_If only there was some way to bring her here…"_

Then it hit everyone else what was occurring.

_The same faerie appeared next to her shoulder. "I would love to help!" _

"_Faerie! Please bring Celeste here!" Starr exclaimed in joy._

_A pink poof of sparkles emitted from the end of the faerie's wand, and then…_

"_What the fluck? Where am I?" _

_The glitter cleared to reveal another girl. She had nearly floor length blonde hair that shined with the light of a thousand stars. Her green eyes twinkled merrily as they took in her surroundings. She wore a pink sweater with white jeans. _

"Sweet Elbereth, there are two of them…" Elladan breathed, looking sick to his stomach.

Legolas was back in the fetal position, in the corner. Glorfindel was staring at him, mystified at what could make a respected Elf behave like that.

Gimli was looking a little cranky. Can you blame him? Eowyn had relinquished the poor pillow she had been stabbing without knowing it all this time. It slid to the floor, limp, all its feather's gone. Sam were looking overwhelmed while Merry and Pippin stared disbelievingly at the book, as if asking it how it could be so cruel. Faramir hesitated as if not wanting to continue.

"_Celeste!" Starr shrieked, hugging her friend. _

"_Starr! Are we in Middle Earth?" _

"_Yes we are!" _

"_Is that Aragorn?" _

"_In the living flesh!"_

"_Oooo, he's as hot as in the movie! Does he have a woman here, too?" _

"_Just Arwen. But you are like, soooooooooo much prettier than her! Aragorn is all yours for the taking!" _

"_Really? Sweet." _

Arwen tensed and her grip on Aragon's arm tightened.

Aragorn groaned inwardly. This was SO not good…

**TBC…..**

A/N: It's hell. It really is. Ever since Celeste dropped by and insisted upon being in the story, it's been double the Mary-Sueness around here, times ten! Good thing they are fictional characters, and I can kill them without going to jail…

Starr: O.o You can!

Celeste: Meep!


	17. CARBS! EWWWW!

This chapter is going to be completely off base. Since I wanted Starr to meet Gollum, and there really wasn't any way to do that while staying on the path of the story, I needed a chapter were everything just goes to seed and has no plot whatsoever. So don't mind the total improbability of this chapter. And next chapter, it's off to Helm's Deep! Actually, they may set out in this chapter…We'll see!

Disclaimer: The second I inherit all of Tolkien's rights to the LotR universe, I'll let you know. Until then, I own nothing but Starr and Celeste.

Chapter seventeen: The plot goes to hell

_The faerie smiled graciously. "The real reason I have brought you here, Celeste _

_Sakurablosson—"_

"WHAT a last name!" Merry exclaimed.

_"—is that the two of you, the maidens of the western lands, are needed in a small quest." _

_"What is it?" Starr said, drawing up to her full five feet four inches and looking positively regal. _

_"Frodo is currently having trouble with Gollum…Him and that other hobbit, you know, the chunky one? What WAS his name…?" _

Sam turned slightly pink in the face.

"Don't listen to her, Sam," Arwen said soothingly.

_"Well, that doesn't matter. Anyway, the point is, I have to take you to them and you must reason with Gollum and make him see the light. I am under the impression that seeing a female will most likely help a lot. Especially ones as beautiful as you two." _

_"You would whisk my love off to Mordor without me?" Legolas cried out, grasping Starr's small hands. _

_"Legolas, I must go." Starr said, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Tis only for a little while, right, Faerie?" When the creature nodded, Starr squeezed Legolas's hands. "See, only a few hours or so…" _

_Celeste stood by her friend watching sadly as Starr said her parting words with Legolas. They shared a last passionate kiss, then Starr and Celeste joined hands._

_"Now," the faerie instructed. "Summon your mystical powers to teleport to Frodo!" _

_A shimmer of lights later, and the two girls were gone. _

"FINALLY!" Elrohir and Elladan yelled together.

"Noooo, now she's coming to bug us, and insult me!" Sam groaned.

"He catches on quite fast, he does!" Pippin remarked.

"The lad isn't daft, luckily." Gimli commented.

"Thank Valar for small favors." Merry rolled his eyes.

_Starr opened her crystal blue eyes and allowed her vision to clear. Celeste's green eyes had already snapped open, and she was staring gleefully about her. _

_"Lady Starr!" Frodo exclaimed, jumping up from where he was sitting, and embraced her. _

_After being introduced to Starr and shedding many happy tears at seeing a friendly face after so long—_

"Because I am his WORST enemy." Sam grumbled sarcastically. The poor hobbit was still slightly pink at being called 'chunky'. No one really blamed him.

_--the cute hobbit led the two maidens to the fire, where…SAM! That's his name! Sam! Was cooking. _

_"Ewwww…what is that THING?" Celeste whispered to Starr. _

_"Sam." _

_"No, the hairy gray one." _

_Starr opened her mouth to make a crack, but decided that it would not be ladylike. _

_"Tis Gollum." She whispered back._

_"What's taters, Precious?" came the squeaky, raspy voice. _

"That isn't a very good description now, is it?" Elrohir said, almost sadly.

"I really don't think she cares." Faramir said flatly.

"It would appear not." Glorfindel agreed.

"Hey! You're only so happy because you aren't even MENTIONED in this!" Legolas said out of the blue.

"Yes," smiled the Elf. "I never thought I would be so happy to be completely ignored."

"Come to think of it, we haven't been mentioned either, thank Elbereth!" Elladan said.

"But we have had to put up with hearing this rubbage." Elrohir pointed out.

"Good point, brother." An evil grin spread over his face. "Just wait, you won't be so chipper soon, when it happens…"

Glorfindel and Eomer looked worried.

"When what happens?" Sam asked, the picture of innocence.

Merry leaned over and whispered in his ear. Sam turned beet red. "She wouldn't!"

"Oh, she would!" Gimli assured him.

"She already has, like three times!" Aragorn muttered darkly.

"I'm starting to regret coming here…" Eomer whispered to Glorfindel.

Eowyn glared at him, then softened, looked thoughtful, and nodded.

_"Po-ta-toes!" Sam sounded out, sounding like a third grade teacher. _

Those who had been originally been reading ignored this comment, as they were used to irrelevant phrases. Sam, Glorfindel, and Eomer looked curious, and Eomer opened his mouth to ask about it.

Arwen held up a hand, cutting him off. "We have no idea. She does this a lot. Ignore it."

"Obviously patience is running thin." Glorfindel whispered to Eomer.

This time it was Arwen's turn to glare. But she didn't soften.

_"Potatoes?" All the color drained out of Celeste's face. _

_"What's wrong?" Frodo asked, wide-eyed and concerned. _

_"CARBS! EWWWW! GET THEM AWAY!"  
_

_After she was effectively calmed down, they were introduced to Gollm. _

_They shared many interesting conversations and enlightening moments, too many to list here. _

"Best news I've heard all day," Legolas's voice could be heard, muffled by the pillow he was obviously trying to smother himself in.

_But to summarize, Gollum, now Smeagol, was a changed man…uhh…hobbit? Thing. He was kinder and happier and no longer felt the pull of the ring and all that stuff. _

_The faerie appeared, positively beaming. "You did it!" _

_"Of course we did!" Starr sniffed. "Now take me back to my Leggy-honey!"_

_"Goodbye!" The two girls waved as they were whisked back to Rohan. Sam, Frodo, and Gollum all cried to see them go, and were brought back to the reality of their quest._

_Silence. _

_Frodo heard a strange whistling as Gollum and Sam went back to their bickering. "Could that be Starr?" he whispered, and wandered off…(A/N: PrettyprettyprincessSweet16 here! Just so you know, this was in the spot just before they met Faramir.)_

"Oh, no, don't bring ME into this!" Faramir exclaimed angrily.

"Oh, don't worry, Eomer's the one who's got to worry right now. They're going back to ROHAN. And they haven't been introduced to him yet. After Helm's Deep, prepare for the worst!" Legolas said, looking smug.

"At least I don't have some giggly little narcissistic girl fancying me!" Eomer muttered under his breath.

_"Legolas!" Starr found herself in his tight embrace. _

_"Aragorn!" Celeste found herself in front of him, and hugged him. He appeared surprised, then hugged her back, smiling. _

Arwen gave Aragorn a LOOK.

"Hey! I don't like it ANY more than you do!" he insisted, getting defensive.

_"What's wrong?" Starr asked, seeing concern etched on Legolas's fair face. _

_"We make for Helm's Deep. Sarman's army is headed there." _

_Starr paled and clutched at his hand. Nearby, Celeste trembled in Aragorn's arms at hearing this news. _

_Not good. This was not good._

"Maybe one of them will be killed in the fighting…?" Glorfindel suggested.

"Not a chance." The original ten said simultaneously.

"And if she does, she'll be resurrected." Pippin said.

"More powerful than ever before," Elrohir added.

"Pretty soon she'll be invincible or at least immortal," Merry joined in.

"She DOES have to live as long as her Elven most-likely-soon-to-be-husband," Elladan said with a smirk.

"So he doesn't die of a broken heart?" Eomer asked.

"More likely so he doesn't get remarried to some beautiful She-Elf whom he truly belonged with and can be truly happy with." Gimli replied nonchalantly.

"I can picture the immense party we'll throw…" Legolas said dreamily.

"One likes of have never before been seen in all of Arda…." Added Eowyn.

"It will be like Sauron was defeated all over again!" Aragorn exclaimed.

"Better!" Gimli shouted.

"I can see it now…" Merry and Pippin sighed in unison.

**TBC…..**

P.S. Too early to be thinking about the Whoopee-Starr's-dead Party… Though it IS a highly anticipated event…


	18. The Quickie in the Closet and Glorfindel...

**Chapter 18: The I-Can't-Believe-I've-Already-Done-so-Many-Chapters Chapter**

"_Wargs! Wargs! We're under attack!" Aragorn yelled as he ran down the hill. _

_  
Ignoring the screams of the villagers around her, Celeste sighed happily. "Isn't just so gorgeous when he's running for his life?" Starr smiled._

"I was warning the others of the danger," Aragorn said, getting really agitated.

"Could you do me a favor, Aragorn?" Legolas asked out of the blue.

"Uhh…yes?"

"When you take that little trip off the cliff, would you mind taking one or both of our 'fair' 'female' 'companions' with you?"

"I will try, believe me."

_Theoden, the pig-headed male chauvinist, insisted on sending Starr and Celeste with the women to Helm's Deep, while the men fought the wargs._

"_It's just as well," Starr said, in a huff. "I didn't want to break a nail fighting those smelly dog thingies." _

_They had just come within sight of Helm's Deep, when Starr remembered something._

"_Say, doesn't Aragorn get dragged off a cliff sometime soon?" _

_Celeste nearly fell off her saddle, but her gracefulness saved her. _

"_Oh noooooooo! I have to go back! Aragorn, my love, I'm coming!" _

"_What is wrong with her?" Eowyn butted in. _

"_Pay her no mind, she is imbalanced." Starr said airily, then added under her breath, "You silly little be-otch." _

"Yeah, well, screw you too." Eowyn muttered.

Twelve sets of jaws dropped into their respective laps.

"Language, sister! Language!" Eomer exclaimed, looking scandalized. "I think this story is desensitizing you, perhaps you should not read any more…"

"I'm fine!" Eowyn snapped. "Except now I hate THEM more than ever!"

"If that's possible." Elladan and Elrohir said in unison.

_It was a solemn two girls that brought up the rear of those who entered Helm's Deep. Everyone else, bless their simple minds, was happy to be safe. Starr was brooding over what she knew was to follow in this place, and Celeste was upset about—_

"Being apart from Aragorn for more than an hour?" Merry finished.

_--her inability to save her love._

"She actually ADMITTED that she messed up?" Pippin gasped dramatically, pressing a hand over his heart and pretending to almost faint.

"Will wonders never cease?" Gimli said dryly.

_When the men returned, forlorn and depressed, Starr was content to comfort Legolas. _

_He just looked so crushed at the loss of his friend. Even after a fierce battle, he had not a hair out of place, and was looking as perfect as usual._

Over the kissing sounds and 'awws' from the others, Faramir turned to the Elvish Princeling.

"I had been meaning to ask you, how DO you maintain constant perfection?" he asked.

"I'm just good like that," Legolas shrugged, and Glorfindel laughed.

"Yeah, Elves are just naturally superior." He joked.

"HEY!" came eight sets of voices.

"We ARE!" retorted the remaining five.

"Oh, this is silly, we're getting into an argument because of a story that isn't worth half a breath." Arwen said.

"Let alone the amount of time we've spent on it." Elrohir added.

"So we can stop?" Legolas asked eagerly.

"No." Everyone else chorused.

His face fell. "Figures."

_He wrapped a strong arm around her small waist and pulled her close with a sad smile. "I'm sorry." Starr whispered very quietly. There was no need for loudness, as his keen Elvish hearing could pick up anything. _

_Legolas pushed a piece of Starr's hair behind her ear and kissed her on the forehead. _

"_Would you feel better if we…" Starr didn't finish her sentence, just raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow._

"What, in HELM'S DEEP!" Gimli asked incredulously.

"Glorfindel's reading." Faramir practically tossed the book onto the Elf's lap.

"Alright then…" he said unsurely. His eyes scanned the pages.

"Skip the gross parts." Eowyn said quickly.

"Please do," said Sam, who, in all his innocence, had just realized what Starr had been hinting at.

Needless to say, he looked a bit green.

Glorfindel nodded, and then froze as his eyes swept the page. All the color drained out of his cheeks.

"Why, I do believe he's forgotten to breathe." Elladan observed, sounding way too amused.

"Sweet Eru! In the hall closet!" Glorfindel bellowed, quite unlike himself.

"That's disgusting! Don't tell us that!" Aragorn yelled, clapping a hand over his ears.

"LEGOLAS!" Glorfindel shouted at the book, as if 'Legolas' could actually hear him. "YOU ARE HEIR TO THE THRONE OF MIRKWOOD! YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH RANDOM GIRLS IN CLOSETS!"

The real Legolas looked as if his psyche had just been irrevocably shattered.

"Aragorn?" he said with fake cheer. "I have another favor to ask of you. May I borrow your sword, for I have the sudden urge to disembowel myself. Or shall I use my own bow?"

Merry leaned into speak quietly with Pippin. "If I ever suggest visiting Gondor again, please hit me a few times until I come to my senses."

Pippin nodded. "With pleasure."

"Okay, the scene has ended," Glorfindel said in a weak voice as he found the ending of the horrific 'quickie in the closet (if there are any) at Helm's Deep.' He was as white as a sheet and shaking.

_Meanwhile, Celeste was busy being brave and stoic as she helped Eowyn (Yuck!) organize the supplies. Ignoring the lewd looks from the men old enough to be her great-grandfathers, and the jealous looks from the much less pretty Eowyn, Celeste held in her sadness. _

'_Wait, my Aragorn-senses are tingling!' she giggled to herself._

"There it is, she just took obsession to a whole other level!" Eomer said.

"Well, when your IQ is smaller than your age, things like this tend to happen…" Sam grumbled.

"_He's back…" Eowyn breathed. "He's aliv—" _

_Celeste elbowed her out of the way, cutting her off, as she ran to Aragorn. He saw her coming, and Celeste ran into his awaiting arms, her golden hair billowing out behind her like a banner. "Oh, you scared me!" she sobbed into his shirt. "Don't ever do that to me again." _

"_I'm sorry, Melamin." Aragorn whispered soothingly._

Arwen gripped the arm of her chair tightly as she forced a strained smile. "Melamin?" she asked, her voice dangerous.

Aragorn, realizing her anger was slightly directed at him, suddenly exclaimed, "It's not me! I can't STAND the wench! I love YOU!"

Arwen softened and smiled a genuine smile.

_At this moment, Legolas and Starr appeared, looking slightly disheveled. _

"Ohhh, my poor mind! The images! They burns us, precious!" Pippin cried out. Sam shivered.

"_Oh, where have you two been?" Aragorn asked, amused. Celeste let out a half-laugh, half-cry and wiped away her tears. _

_Starr watched as Legolas's face lit up. He was happy again, and so she was happy. _

"_None of your business, Mr. Soon-to-be-King!" Starr turned up her nose, though she was smiling. _

"What a stinging yet witty retort." Elrohir commented with barely contained sarcasm.

"Wow, all this time, and we STILL have to get to the battle," Faramir said with a depressed sigh.

"This girl likes to talk." Gimli noted.

"You think?" Elladan said.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	19. Let's Summarize, Shall we?

Chapter 19: Compressing Helm's Deep into a Paragraph

"This has the potential to be a very annoying battle." Faramir sighed.

"I'm confident in assuming that our roles in the battle will be casually overlooked in favor of glorifying Legolas, Starr, Celeste, and Aragorn's skills." Gimli said. Everyone stared at him.

"I believe you are right, Master Dwarf." Glorfindel replied smoothly.

"Yeah, don't look so surprised." Gimli grumbled under his breath.

There was another knock at the door.

"Godan?" Aragorn inquired.

The door opened and who should walk in but Mr. Marchwarden himself, Haldir!

"Mae govannen, Haldir!" Legolas jumped up and hurried over to greet the guest, glad for any possible distraction.

"Good to see you, Legolas," Haldir smiled.

"What are you doing here?" Elladan asked.

"Thought I'd come for a visit. The strangest thing, when I questioned young Master Godan as to what you all were doing, he just gave me an odd look and laughed."

"Ah, well, Godan is wise beyond his years." Elrohir smirked.

"You'll regret coming here," Pippin said sweetly.

Haldir blinked at him. "Whatever for, Peregrin Took?"

An evil plan suddenly hatched in Arwen's mind. "Nevermind him, Haldir! Come, join us for a bit of a story!" She gave the others a pointed look when Haldir wasn't looking, and they got the message.

"Don't mind if I do!"

With a smirk, Glorfindel, who was still reading after his near-breakdown, turned back to the page.

"_Farmers, farriers, stable boys. These are no soldiers." _

"_Yeah, they suck. How pathetic." Celeste agreed vigorously. _

Haldir made a disgusted noise in his throat.

_Starr smiled sadly. "Most have seen too many winters." _

"She stole my line. Why am I surprised?" Gimli wondered aloud wearily.

"_Or too few. Look at them. They're frightened. You can see it in their eyes." Legolas commented. He smiled in his head as Starr glared at the men who stared at him. In her eyes, he could see nothing but the will to fight and defend. He could see love too. And it was an honor to be the one at the receiving end of that amorous gaze. _

"_Boe a hyn neled herain dan caer menig. And they should be three hundred against ten thousand!"_

"_Si, beriathar hyn ammaeg na ned Edoras. They have more hope of defending themselves here than at Edoras…" Aragorn argued back._

_Celeste shivered in delight. She had absolutely no idea what they were saying, but hearing Aragorn speak Elvish sent cold chills up her spine. Starr was nodding in comprehension. Celeste felt slightly left out. She needed at least another day in Middle Earth before she could be fluent in Elvish! Starr should know that! _

"She's a miracle worker…Elvish in two days…" Eowyn said dryly.

"It's not exactly an easy language to speak or understand…" Merry said.

"It sounds nice, though!" Pippin pointed out.

"_Aragorn, nedin dagor hen ú-'erir ortheri. Natha daged dhaer! They cannot _

_win this fight. They are all going to die!" _

"_Then I shall die as one of them!" Aragorn burst out before storming off. Celeste looked ready to cry at the look on Aragorn's face. A flash of pain had crossed it at the doubting words of one of his dearest friends. _

"Yeah, you horrible Elf, you!" Elladan mocked, wagging a reprimanding finger at Legolas, who did not appreciate this. If looks could kill…

_Several minutes later, Celeste assisted Aragorn in suiting up. _

"Since when do I need help doing that?" Aragorn marveled.

"_Hmm…perhaps after this battle I can help you get OUT of this armor as well…" Celeste mused, waggling her perfect eyebrows seductively._

"Has she no shame?" Haldir asked, looking scandalized. "To say such a thing, before a deadly battle and everything!"

"Shame? I doubt they could even spell it, let alone have it!" Eomer laughed mirthlessly.

"_Ahh, Celeste, with you by my side, how could I lose? I do have some doubts about you fighting. If I were to lose you, I don't know what I would do!" _

"I do! Celebrate!" Sam said.

"Do I detect some hostilities in the last place I would expect it?" Glorfindel asked, his eyes full of laughter.

"_Oh, Aragorn, you're sweet to worry, but I will be fine. I must help defend Middle Earth. It has become my home now." Celeste batted her ridiculously long eyelashes. _

"Arwen, I'm getting the feeling that you had planned this all along…" Haldir stated.

She gave him an innocent look. "Who, me?"

_Legolas came by with Starr, and apologized. Then the Elves arrived, with Haldir. _

"Why am I suddenly very afraid…?" Haldir gulped.

_Soon after, they were lined up at the wall. Some idiot let loose an arrow, and the battle began. _

"_Celeste!" Starr whispered as she twirled around, avoiding a blade and stabbing an Uruk-hai. _

"_Yes?" Celeste called back as she single-handedly defeated two orcs at once._

"_Are we saving Haldir?" _

"From what?" said Elf asked.

"_Well, he does die in the movies…" _

"What are movies?"

"_Did you read the books? Does he die in there?" _

"I'm in a book?"

"_They were too long. And I had too many dates."_

"She was unfaithful to you, Legolas."

"_Tell me about it! I've got way too many hair appointment and shopping trips to read some stupid book." _

"What on Arda are they talking about!"

"_Well, I'm going to be too busy making sure I don't break a nail. I don't feel like going out of my way to save him."_

"_Yeah, same here. It's settled then!" _

Celeste had to see the pain in Aragorn's eyes at the loss of his friend, but quickly consoled him as they made their way back to the Keep.

_Next came a lot of inane ramblings from Theoden and some random chairs blockading the door. Then they rode out, Gandalf came with Emoer, and beat all the orcs._

"Way to summarize it!" Faramir rolled his eyes.

"My name isn't really that hard to spell…" Eomer insisted.

"Well, I wouldn't get worried until she starts spelling MY name wrong," Merry responded.

"That would be sad…" Eowyn laughed.

"Well, since I'm clearly not wanted by the characters in the story, I'll take my leave…" Haldir said, getting up and quickly walking to the door.

"No! Haldir, don't be cross! I didn't mean to offend you!" Arwen looked taken aback.

He gave her a surprised look. "No, I just want to get out of here so I don't have to hear anymore of this. I'll come back for another visit soon." He turned and headed out.

"Take me with you!" Legolas cried out. "Alert my father! Tell him I'm being held hostage by my own friends!" But the door snapped shut leaving a despondent Elf to face his doom in the form of a girly pink book.

To Be Continued….


	20. Drats! Foiled again!

Chapter 20: Starr Sings…Again.

Legolas sat sulking. "I WILL get even with you, Haldir, even if it takes me an eternity."

"And you've got a couple of those to spare, don't you?" Pippin joked.

_Starr looked around her sadly at all the bodies. It seemed only fitting to sing a prayer for them. But she could think of no battle songs, so instead she chose the Star-Spangled Banner…_

"Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light,

What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight,

O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?

And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,

Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.

O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave

O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?"

She ended in a whisper. Legolas walked softly over to her and wrapped an arm around her delicate waist, noticing her sadness. "You could use some cheering up. We could all use a laugh. Come, let's go see Gimli."

"Oh, yes, let's all go laugh at Mister Dwarf! Haha, look! He's short and hairy!" Gimli exclaimed, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He turned to Glorfindel. "And you just better keep whatever nancing-Elf comment you've got in mind to yourself!"

Glorfindel laughed and held up his hands in defense. "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Well, if he isn't going to crack on you, I will!" Eomer said, but Eowyn shot him a warning look and refrained.

"Final count, Forty-two." Legolas said, running a pale hand over his bow.

"Forty-two? That's not bad for a pointy-eared Elvish princeling. I myself am sitting pretty on forty-three."

Starr response was a barely audible comment of "Pretty is not what I would call it," and Legolas's response was an arrow right between the legs.

Well, not quite, but we can dream, can't we?

He should not be allowed to procreate. Gimli, I mean.

"I would say the same thing about you," Elladan said wryly.

"What does she mean by procreate?" Sam asked, just rolling in innocence.

Again, Merry whispered in his ear, and his eyes went wide. "What a horrible thing to say about Mr. Gimli!"

"Forty-three," Legolas said, and Starr beamed.

"He was already dead,"

"He was twitching," Legolas argued. Starr nodded, glaring at Gimli.

"He was twitching because he's got my ax embedded in his nervous system!"

"At least she got that quote right," Gimli huffed. "I'm quite proud of that one,"

"It is a clever one, Master Dwarf," Faramir agreed.

The group rode up over a hill on their horses. Legolas and Starr shared one, and so did Celeste and Aragorn. Both of the latter group were looking flushed, thanks to the 'quickie in the battlements' they had just shared. (Giggle)…

Arwen's eyes smoldered with anger as she stared at the book in hate. Glorfindel looked ready to drop it at any second should it spontaneously combust.

_Someone (Gandlaf, I think) spoke. "The battle for Helm's Deep is over. The battle for Middle-Earth is about to begin. All our hopes now lie with two little Hobbits…somewhere in the wilderness." _

"_Don't forget the creepy little schizo spaz with them," Celeste offered sweetly, with a toss of her long blonde hair. _

"_Oh no, Celeste! Your hair is caught in the saddle!" Starr shrieked._

"_Ahhhh! Help me Aragorn!" _

"_It's stuck in there well!" _

Elrohir crossed his fingers, closed his eyes, and began to chant. "Chop it off, chop it off, chop it off…"

"_Don't cut it off!" Celeste said, tears streaming down her cheeks at the thought of losing her beautiful hair. Starr held her hand and tried to soothe her. _

"_It'll be alright…" _

"_I don't want to be ugly!" Celeste wailed. _

"Oh, the drama," Eowyn rolled her eyes.

_In the end, poor poor Celeste had to have about a foot taken off of her hair. _

The twins and Aragorn jumped up and did a little dance for joy. "Ohhhh, happy daaaaay!"

_And Eowyne was a crappy hair stylist. Aragorn was greatly depressed because Celeste was mentally scarred. _

"Valar forbid she breaks a nail. Her whole world would come crashing down around her," Arwen murmured.

_Starr, leaving the two lovers to comfort each other, leaned back against the strong chest of her Elf. _

Faramir thumped Legolas on the chest lightly. "Very strong indeed," he announced with a smirk.

_The journey was nearly over. Now questions were arising in her mind. Where would she go, what would she do after this? _

"Hopefully die," Legolas muttered.

_She knew one thing. She would forever remain at her Prince Charming's side. _

"Let me find a container for my joy."

_Maybe one day they would get married…_

"Maybe when there's fifty feet of snow in Mordor,"

…_have kids…_

"Again. You are NOT allowed to procreate!"

…_and live happily ever after._

"Or…I could push you off Minas Tirith and **_I _**could live happily ever after…"

Glorfindel looked up from the page. "That's the end of the chapter."

"Why don't we all go out for walk, then come back?" Pippin suggested.

"That sounds like a good idea." Aragorn assented. "But no one is to run away."

Pippin and Merry's faces fell, as if that was EXACTLY their plan.

"Drats. Foiled again." Merry grumbled.

The three hobbits headed into the kitchens to get a snack. They didn't remember if they were due for elvensies, luncheon, or dinner, so they decided on all three. The rest wandered around in the gardens, dreading their return to the horrors that is Mary Sue Legomance Girl-falls-into-Middle-Earth fanfiction.

End Part 2


	21. A Dull Spoon

CRC: Aaaand I'm back!

Just a note, I saw in the reviews about the italics, and I apologize, but there's really nothing I can do. It's italicized on Word. If I knew more about computers, I'd have an answer, but right now, I'm convinced it was a plot against the fic by Starr and Celeste.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a few introductions to make. Starr, Celeste, this is Mr. Chainsaw and his two best friends, Mr. Mace and Mrs. Blow Torch.

And I'm sorry in advance if this is kinda short. I've got quite a bit of homework and may not even be here tomorrow…And I'm sorry, but once again, I'm going to have to put off the arrival of Thranduil till next chapter. Sorry.

Chapter 21: A Dull Spoon

_"Welcome, my lords, my ladies, to Isengard!" Merry hopped up from his seat and bowed lowly. _

_Gmlii and the hobbits bantered back and forth, and Starr yawned. 'Such simple creatures.' _

"And may I say, Lady Starr, Lady Celeste, it is a great pleasure to have such beauty within our sight again," Pippin said.

_"Pippin, when did you get to be such a smooth talker?" Celeste tittered. Everyone burst out laughing. _

_"And such wonderful humor too!" Pippin wiped a tear of laughter from his eye. _

"Raise your hand if you didn't find anything even remotely funny about that." Elladan said suddenly. Twelve hands went up. "I rest my case,"

"You're proving something we're all already WELL aware of," Elrohir pointed out sweetly.

Aragorn leaned over to Glorfindel. "Glorfindel," he whispered. "Would you mind warning me if any more…questionable…scenes arise between me and that thing that goes by the name Celeste? I'd like to put a league or more between myself and Arwen when the time comes…"

"I understand completely." Glorfy nodded.

_"We're under orders from Treemustache—_

"TREEMUSTACHE?" Everyone in the room roared simultaneously.

"Can we feed them to a warg, please?" Eomer shook his head.

"Ye'll get no complaints here, laddie!" Gimli said gruffly.

_who's taken over management of Isengard," Merry informed them. _

_Starr's eyes went wide. "A huge walking tree! &!" _

Glorfindel stopped reading and did a double take at the page. "What in the name of Varda was that?"

Eowyn paled. "I was wondering when this would come up. In order to make themselves seem more cool, Sues tend to swear…"

The hobbits, the twins, and Arwen were trying extremely hard not to laugh at hearing such a respected and well-mannered Elf say such a word.

_"Young Master Gandalf. I'm glad you've come. Wood and water, blah blah," _

_Starr rolled her eyes. It took the stupid thing so long to say something, it was long over by the time he finished! _

_It was Celeste's turn to laugh. "Young! YOUNG! Have you SEEN him?" _

"Compared to TreeBEARD, Gandalf IS young," Merry said, looking scandalized.

_Starr and Celeste watched in boredom as the others spoke to that old loser Saruman, then Grima stabs him, then Legolas shoots Grima down. _

_"YAY, LEGGIE!" Starr cheers. Celeste was too busy checking out Aragorn's, ahem, assets…_

"I feel vandalized…" Aragorn mutteredas Arwen imagined herself eviscerating Celeste with a spoon. A dull spoon.

"May I borrow that when you're done," Legolas asked wryly, guessing what she was thinking. "I have someone I'd like to introduce it to,"

"But of course!"

_Then he fell…right onto the nice pointy spike. Starr uttered a silent scream of horror, stepping back quickly. She shut her eyes against the sight and felt strong arms encircle her. "I hate the sight of blood!" she whispered faintly. _

"Were you even AT Helm's Deep?" Faramir asked incredulously. "Well, technically not, but still!"

_With that, her knees gave out and Legolas had to catch her to keep her from being submerged completely in the dirty water. _

"Wow, the Legolas in this book is really stupid!" Pippin commented.

"And this is different from the normal Legolas how?" Gimli asked with a smirk. Legolas shot him a glare. "Kidding!"

"To be rid of her, I'd PERSONALLY take a club to her knees to, you know, speed along the process," Eowyn grinned devilishly.

"Remind me never to make her mad," Faramir said in an undertone to Eomer.

"Duly noted,"

_"Melamin!" he cried frantically. _

_Celeste hurried over. "She'll be alright, she just fainted. My! Everything bad is happening today! First I lose…my hair…" She stifled a choked sob and Aragorn slipped a hand into hers. "…And then poor Starr! Even showing pity for that horrible man!" _

_Celeste wandered off to mourn the loss of her gorgeous, silky locks. She suddenly spotted something in the water. Picking it up, she realized it was the Palantir. _

_A low whispering voice seemed to emanate from the ball, tempting her. She shrugged it off, feeling no effect. "Shut up, stupid ball, or I'll break you!" _

"Ooo, empty threat!" Elladan murmured.

_Gandalf noticed what she held in her hands and sighed with relief that she was not affected. If they had to fight against Celeste, not only would it be heart-breaking, but they could not hope to win. _

_He took the ball and spoke harshly to the eye. "The one you are trying to entice into darkness is in fact, the very essence of light." _

"She is so full of it," Legolas grumbled. With Starr wonderfully unconscious, he was free…for the moment. No doubt there would be a mushy Ooo-I'm-waking-up-eyes-flutter-open-where-am-I moment.

Sure enough…

_Meanwhile, with Starr and Legolas…_

_Starr's long eyelashes fluttered open slowly, her crystal orbs reflecting the sunlight glinting off the water. "Where…am I?" _

_"Isengard. You had a little scare," Legolas whispered lovingly, stroking her hand. "But everything is fine now…" _

"Really? Because it sure seems like everything is going to heck to me!" Aragorn exclaimed, throwing his hands up in frustration.

_"Ooo, my head," Starr winced, clutching her forehead. "And my shoulder has been hurting lately too…" _

"Why her shoulder?" Glorfindel asked.

"Oh, didn't she get shot with an arrow in the shoulder, and then died and came back to life?" Faramir wondered aloud.

"Yeah, I think that's about right." Elrohir nodded.

"Oh, alright! Makes PERFECT sense!" Eomer said sarcastically.

_"Oh, Tinueth (small star), it hurts me deeply to see you in such pain!" Legolas said dejectedly. "If only I could take some of this pain from you!" _

_"Nay, Legolas, I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt of causing you pain," Starr smiled sadly. _

"If you only knew…"

TBC……..

Well, what do you, that wasn't really that short! Well, I have to go illustrate my Spanish legend I wrote, then write a ten-lined poem, then go get a hair cut. Fun.

See ya'll next chapter!


	22. Quite the Abomination

Chapter 22: Quite the Abomination

Glorfindel sighed. "I grow weary of reading this monstrosity. Does anyone care to relieve me of this position?"

No one would make eye contact with him.

"Anyone?"

Still nothing.

"May the Valar have mercy on your souls," Glorfy muttered darkly.

Suddenly, a loud, booming knock filled the room. Everyone looked up at the door to see a strange procession stream in. Numerous Elves and Elleths entered, wearing cloaks with the hoods thrown back. Each one clutched an intricately-carved bow and had a quiver of arrows on their backs.

"Mae govannen," An Elleth stepped forward and bowed, her long blonde hair streaming over her shoulders.

Recognizing her, Legolas let out a joyful cry and leapt forward. He grasped her hand. "Raenel! What are you doing here? Have you come to rescue me from this torture? I am eternally in your debt!" the princeling rambled on, as the newcomers looked on, wondering if their prince had finally snapped.

"Um, no…" she gave him an odd look. "We are escorts today,"

"What?"

Another figure sailed regally into the room. The readers all gasped in surprise.

"Ada!" Legolas gaped.

Thranduil smiled. "I heard about the 'hostage situation' here from Haldir, so I had to come check it out,"

Legolas noticed that his eyes were sparkling with laughter. "You're mocking me!"

"No, son, what ever would give you that idea?"

Raenel bowed lowly. "Well, our work here is done. We shall be waiting for you, my Lord, when you desire to return home," She led the other Elves out.

"So," Thranduil beamed around the room. "Judging by Haldir's rants, and the deadened look in your eyes, I'd say this story is quite the abomination."

"You have no idea," Pippin responded, looking deadpan.

"Come now, Master Hobbit! It cannot be that bad! I have a feeling you are all exaggerating,"

Merry suddenly got a devilish glint in his eyes. "Then, my Lord, I have a proposition to make…"

"Yes?" Thranduil inquired, not noticing the horrified look on Legolas's face, and the dawning comprehension on everyone else's.

"I triple dog dare you to—"

"Wait, what?" Thranduil interrupted, confused.

"It means I challenge you," Pippin offered.

"Anyway, I _challenge _you to stay and listen to, say, two chapters." Merry pulled a random number out of nowhere.

Glorfindel, seeing his chance, leapt up and clapped his hands in glee. "Yes, yes, and he must READ the book, out loud to the rest of us!"

"Good one," Pippin grinned.

Eowyn laughed. "That should be enough to convince you!"

"I think two sentences could convince him," Arwen said dryly.

"Oh, come now, where's the harm in that?" Thranduil smiled. "You're on, Master Meriadoc."

Legolas moaned in defeat. "You were supposed to come and take me home with you!" he groaned.

"Why, Legolas, you have two good legs, you can leave on your own,"

"They won't let me!"

"Aw, and you're too noble to fight your friends."

"Exactly!"

"Noble, or cowardly? Do you believe you could not defeat them?"

"What! NO! I could take them!"

"Oh, it is ON, Elf boy!" Aragorn stood with a smirk.

"Havo dad!" Legolas snapped. Aragorn looked surprised, and fell back into his seat. "Yeah, two can play at that game! 'Havo dad, Legolas', honestly! I was defending your honor!"

"I could have handled it!"

"Obviously not!"

"Could too!"

"Not uh!"

Thranduil stood next to Elrohir, laughing. "Oh, this is good."

Elrohir glanced over at him with a look on his face that blatantly screamed, 'I know something you don't know!'

"What? Not you too," Thranduil sighed in exasperation.

Aragorn was still arguing. "Do I intrude on your constant bickering with Gimli? I think not!"

"Leave me out of this," Gimli muttered.

Faramir rolled his eyes. "Pride of Middle Earth, we have here."

Elladan nodded his assent. "Fighting like a bunch of children,"

Sam looked just plain bewildered to see Legolas and Aragorn behave like 3-year-olds. "It ain't natural. None of it," he mumbled, shaking his head sadly.

"You're a troublemaker, do you know that?" Arwen shot a glare at Thranduil, who was enjoying himself WAY too much.

"Oh Eru, I should visit more often!" he chuckled, eyeing the battle still raging.

"I know how to stop them," Eowyn announced. She cleared her throat and winked at the others. "OH MY GOODNESS! IS THAT STARR AND CELESTE?"

Legolas and Aragorn let out frightened squeaks and retreated quickly into separate corners like they had just been burned.

"That's my boy," Thranduil said sarcastically, not enjoying himself anymore, as he watched his son cower in the corner.

"I hope you have money set aside for therapy," Pippin smiled. "Cause he is going to NEED it."

"That was mean, Eowyn," Faramir gasped between his hysterical laughter. He and Faramir were currently laughing their heads off at the looks on their two dignified friends' faces.

"Oh, that was priceless! I think the only thing that could scare Aragorn more is the rage of Arwen," Eomer chortled.

Arwen bristled angrily. "If you are implying that I am scary, I will chop off all your appendages, starting with the smallest!"

Eomer blinked, glanced down, and winced. "Enough said," he whispered to the hobbits.

"I think she just has a lot of rage pent up due to her infuriating situation in the story," Sam suggested.

"You may be on to something there, Samwise," Elrohir looked thoughtful.

"Of course, Arwen is also just plain frightening," Elladan supplied.

"I heard that…"

"I know. Why do you think I said it?"

"Anyway." Merry tapped his foot impatiently. "Are you going to accept my _challenge_?" he put an extra emphasis on the last word.

"Of course! Why not?"

"Why? Why! WHY!" Legolas exclaimed. "WHY, VALAR, WHY! WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME SO!"

"Quiet down, you're making a scene." Thranduil said as he settled down in the chair.

Glorfindel dropped the book in his lap and sighed in relief as if an enormous weight had just been lifted from his shoulders. He may never be the same again. He hurried away, muttering something that sounded oddly like 'Free at last!'

"Gather round, my children," Thranduil gestured dramatically to the chairs around him. The others all gave him an unsure look.

"I'm not so sure about this…" Pippin whispered nervously to Merry. "He seems close enough to snapping already. Not the brightest crayon in the box. Not the sharpest tool in the shed. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. The lights are on but nobody's home. A few drops short of a pint—"

"We get it," Merry and Sam said in unison, getting them some strange looks from the others, who hadn't heard the beginning of the conversation.

"Did I miss something?" Faramir questioned.

"If you did, then so did I…" Aragorn replied, quite recovered from the previous incident and already having forgotten about the argument over nothing.

"It's going to take me a millennium to read these two chapters, isn't it?" Thranduil wondered aloud wearily.

"Depends. If one of the characters has a death scene, better make it three millennia, just to be safe…" Elladan replied.

"You are a strange one, aren't you?" Thranduil smirked, looking amused.

"WHY do people keep asked me that?" Elladan joked, playing along. "But seriously, I'm not joking."

"OK, well if I think that this story is indeed as bad as you all make it out to be, I will not only pay for all of your 'therapy', but also invite you all to Mirkwood for a luxurious visit."

Legolas rubbed his hands together, and whispered to his father, "Ohhhh, is that code for 'lock them all in the dungeon and force them to read more of this atrocity'?"

"Uh, no, that's code for 'invite them all to our home and treat them like honored guests," Thranduil whispered back.

"You take all the fun out of torture, do you know that?"

"You aren't the first to tell me that."

"I don't even want to know." Legolas muttered while making a face.

"No, I don't think you do,"

"Son of a mushroom! To have Elf ears so I might hear what they are saying!" Merry grumbled. "I'm bored out of my mind."

"I'm bored to tears." Pippin nodded.

"I'm bored stiff," Sam said glumly.

"But this is better than reading that…that…thing!" Gimli joined into their conversation.

"I don't know what's sadder, that this story has reduced us to a bunch of angry weirdos, or that after all this, we still insist on reading it," Eowyn stated.

"Well, we're a strange lot, indeed." Faramir snickered.

Thranduil clapped his hands together. "Let's get this show on the road!" He picked up the book.

Legolas shook his head. "Your funeral."

_**TBC….**_


	23. Jumpin off the battlements?

Chapter 23: Jumpin' Off the Battlements?

Thranduil cleared his throat and began…

"_Tonight we remember those who gave their blood to defend this country. Hail the victorious dead!" _

"_HAIL!" shouted everyone. _

_Starr turned to Celeste and whispered, "How can we say they're victorious, if they died? Doesn't that mean they lost?" _

_Gandalf looked over at her. "That is a very good point, my lady. Your wisdom surpasses all," _

Thranduil stopped and his eyes scanned the page, as if checking to make sure she actually had the gall to write that.

"They were victorious because they were selfless enough to give their lives in order to defend the land on which they lived, and you, the girl who would not sacrifice a fingernail to save even one person, (cough)Haldir(cough), would never know the meaning of such courage," Merry said hotly.

Thranduil glanced over at him in surprise.

"Now you see the true nature of these wenches," Eowyn said.

Thranduil nodded.

"Why don't you say something, Father?" Legolas asked, slightly annoyed.

Thranduil stared at him blankly.

"I believe he's been shocked into silence," Arwen said dryly.

"A rare occurrence," Legolas muttered back.

"_No pauses. No spills." Eomre said, handing a mug to Legolas. Starr stood nearby with pom-poms, ready to cheer on her man. _

"_You can totally whip this Dwarf (ew, sick thought), Legolas! Show them how you hold your liquor!" _

"Is she for real!" Thranduil asked incredulously.

"Well, not technically (thank the Valar) but the person who created her is pretty much like her," Elladan said, shaking his head.

"Pity, really." Aragorn sighed.

"_And no regurgitation," Gimli said, spraying spit onto the table. Celeste, who had been leaning on it, uttered a silent scream of horror and sprinted through the crowd to go burn her sweater. _

"And good riddance," Gimli said decidedly.

"What about if Gimli spits on HER. Will she lit herself on fire?" Pippin wondered, a little too eagerly…

"They're probably flame-retardant." Glorfindel sighed.

"More like brain-retardant," Eomer muttered.

Silence.

"Sorry, that was lame," he apologized.

"_So it's a drinking game?" Legolas queried, looking adorable in all his Elfiness. The men shouted "ai!" and raised their mugs. _

"_Oh, what the heck. I'm in!" Starr said brightly. _

"_Are you sure, melamin?" Legolas asked worriedly._

"_Don't fret, I've done this before!" _

"She is about 14, is she not?" Elrohir asked, wrinkling his nose. "And she's an expert on hard drinking…"

"Seems like it's catching up to her and disintegrating her brain." Eowyn laughed.

_Eowyn made her way over to Aragorn, holding her cup. Just as she was about to reach him, Celeste stepped in her path, looking murderous. "No."_

"_But, I—"_

"_No!" _

"_Listen, I—"_

"NO!" Celeste stamped her foot. "He's MY man, why would he want a homely chick like you? Now bugger off and go find some other guy to shack up with!" And Celeste turned on her heel and stormed over to Aragorn, leaving a flustered (and ugly!) Eowyn behind (to sulk about not being as pretty and desirable as Celeste).

She grabbed Aragorn and smiled seductively at him as she led him out of the crowded hall, and back to her room…

"SKIP THIS PART." Everyone chorused together. Thranduil was bewildered. But it's just about your drinking game…"

"No questionable scene?" Faramir asked, dumbfounded.

"She's getting soft," Sam mumbled.

"Or maybe something else is…"

"ELLADAN YOU PERV!"

:SMACK:

"OW, ARWEN, THAT HURT!"

"You deserved it."

_Gimli was getting drunker and drunker. "Here, here. It's the Dwarves that go swimming with little, hairy women." He belched loudly. _

_Starr pinched her nose shut as Legolas whispered, "Because no one else would want to…" _

_Legolas, of course, had a growing mound of empty mugs before him, but was showing no signs of it. Starr was slightly tipsy, and Gimli was about to drop. _

_And then he did. With a loud thud, Gmlii was down for the count. _

_Starr giggled along as she caught a bit of Merry and Pipin's song. Legolas, full of concern, decided it was time to take her back to her room, before she got too drunk and got hurt, or had one of the men take advantage of her…_

"Like they would," Eomer said crossly.

"Ooo, there's an idea for you! Get her really drunk, then tell her she can fly, and bring her up to the highest battlement. To guarantee success, have Legolas stand at the bottom without a shirt." Elrohir said, an evil plot forming in his mind.

"Most females, even when NOT intoxicated, would jump off the battlements for that…" Eowyn said.

"HEY!" Faramir exclaimed. "You're supposed to be faithful!"

"I'm just pointing out the obvious, and don't act like you don't eye all the pretty girls we pass on the streets!"

"But I don't go around, announcing it!"

"Hey, love birds, get a cage," Thranduil broke in suddenly. "As much as I am regretting it now, I still have…" he flipped through the pages, counting. "…forty more pages to read…dang…"

"Very well, continue," Elladan sighed.

TBC…


	24. Silly Wench, Trix are for Kids!

Chapter 24: Silly Wench, Elves Hate You

_Starr snuggled into Legolas's tunic as he carried her, breathing in the earthy scent most Elves smelled of. _

Elladan sniffed at his shirt. "Really? We do? I never knew…"

_Legolas eased open the door with Elvish poise while balancing the beautiful maiden in his strong arms. _

Merry rolled his eyes. "Two sentences into the chapter and it's already sounding like a corny romance novel."

"I can see it now," Pippin chimed in. "It'll be called 'The Silly Wench and The Elf That Would Have Nothing To Do With Her'."

_He set her gently on the bed. He did not fear the springs creaking, for Starr was light as a feather. Her strawberry blonde hair spilled over the pillow, fanning around her face like a halo. Her cheeks were flushed prettily and her long, dark eyelashes contrasted with her light skin. _

"Isn't she just the most perfect little thing you've ever seen?" Eowyn said through clenched teeth. "Couldn't you just…murder her?"

"Well, I have to admit it's tempting!" Faramir joked.

"Just a little," Aragorn muttered darkly.

_Legolas felt his heart do funny little flip-flops in his chest, then beat painfully against his ribcage. She was so beautiful, and he loved her so much. Around no one else would he ever lose his composure like this. He felt a stirring in his loins—_

"Wait, what?" Thranduil broke off with a double take. "Did she really write that?"

"Actually, that was one of her more tasteful descriptions…" Arwen smiled sarcastically.

"I'm not sure I like where this story is going…" Thranduil said slowly.

"It's happened many times before." Eomer pointed out. "MANY."

"But, this…?"

"Been there, done that," Legolas said glumly.

"Literally," Gimli chuckled.

:POW:

Gimli sat holding his nose angrily, while Legolas seethed in his chair, rubbing his fist.

"Gentlemen! Don't be fighting! It's what they WANT you to do! They're trying to tear this group apart!" Glorfindel said dramatically, clutching his chest. It did work, however.

Elrohir spoke up. "Well, Thranduil, we have a rule. The person reading doesn't read the…scenes like this, just skims them to find where they end. So…go on,"

Thranduil glared at him. "Very well. The Greenleaves are no cowards,"

"Speak for yourself!" Legolas whispered.

"What has happened to you?" Thranduil asked incredulously.

"I think he's just scared of the story," Aragorn suggested. Legolas nodded vigorously. Thranduil shook his head and muttered something that sounded strangely like 'eunuch'.

He turned back to the page and they could see his eyes skimming over the page. That's when the color show began. His complexion quickly changed from pink to red to green to purple to blue and back to green again.

"What an interesting shade of chartreuse…" Arwen mused.

The dignified Elf ran out of the room and straight into the bathroom.

"Well, I hope you all are happy," Legolas said, grumpily.

"Very much so, actually," Elladan grinned.

Twenty minutes later, Thranduil still wasn't out of the bathroom. Sam volunteered to make sure he was all right.

The hobbit opened the bathroom door and a breeze hit his face. He looked up to see the window open and no Elf Lord.

Uncharacteristically muttering curses under his breath, he ran back out into the room. "He escaped through the window!"

Legolas fell to his knees and shook his fists at the ceiling. "Nooooo! He was my last hope!"

"Well, who's going to read now?" Pippin asked quietly.

The room suddenly fell deafly silent as every one of the group stared at each other in silent determination NOT to read.

TBC…


	25. SONG STEALER!

Chapter 25: No Amount of Therapy Will Ever Make This Right

Legolas sat sulking and feeling abandoned.

"Stop being mad that you didn't think of sneaking out the window before your dad did," Eowyn smirked as Elladan and Elrohir fixed bars to the window temporarily.

Aragorn looked thoughtful. "Well, technically Thranduil was finished with his reading. He made it to the end of the chapter before he hauled it out of here,"

"Pansy." Merry muttered. Pippin grinned.

"Well, we'll have to pick a new person to read now." Arwen started. "If we delay it, we will never be able to put this story behind us and move on with our lives,"

"Or therapy." Glorfindel sighed.

"Haha. You're lucky you already read," Legolas snapped.

"Yeah, but you didn't."

"I've been put through enough torture. Make me read, and I swear to all the Valar I WILL kill myself."

Faramir spoke up. "The thing to do is have one of the newer one of us read…"

Glorfindel raised his eyes to the ceiling as if thanking Eru he already got it over with. Eomer shot Faramir a glare as if to say, 'Don't even suggest it, or you shall regret it.'

"Sam it is then!" Faramir said, slightly nervously.

The poor hobbit turned white as a sheet. Merry and Pippin shot him sympathetic looks.

Elrohir looked put out. "I'm not sure I agree with the corruption of such an innocent hobbit."

"He went with Frodo all the way to Mordor. I think he can handle it." Elladan pointed out, not noticing Sam shaking his head furiously and mouthing the words 'I can't! I can't!' over and over.

Eowyn always the voice of reason, said, "Just one chapter. Then Merry, then Pippin, then Arwen (Elbereth preserve us), then Aragorn, and then Eomer (yeah, I said it, deal with it, brother), then Gimli."

"And then you…" Gimli said dryly.

"Okay, so we split the chapters up." Eowyn amended herself hurriedly.

Everyone agreed, secretly celebrating that their turns were put off for now.

Sam gulped and took his place in the Chair of Doom, picked up the Book of Doom, flipped one of many Pages of Doom, and began to read the word of The Spawn of Morgoth…and Doom.

_Aragorn made his way into the empty hall. Before him he found a vision of loveliness. _

"Well, this was when I had my dream, but there's no way in Arda she's talking about me." Eowyn half-smiled.

_Celeste was stretched out on a couch-like bed. Her long blonde hair had gone wavy because she had just washed it. Gotta keep it looking fine, right? Anyway, her hair cascaded over her shoulders like a golden waterfall spilling onto the couch and her pillow, curling into light ringlets here and there. Her skin, tan from many hours in the sun at home, tanning on a beach chair by a crystal pool, seemed paled and almost milky white in the dim light, her dark eyelashes fluttering gracefully in her sleep. Her cheeks were rosy and almost feverish as she struggled with an unseen foe. She cried out softly and her hand curled into a fist. _

_It pained Aragorn more than he could comprehend to see her so prone and helpless, when the Celeste he knew in the day was strong as they came, ready to face anything. Perhaps the loss of her beautiful hair was still hurting her. He had hoped she would get some closure when they burned the saddle and gave her silky locks a burial in a velvet-lined casket under a flower-covered field. _

_It was a sadder day than Theodrem's funeral._

"Which she completely skipped over," Eomer said through clenched teeth. "Without a single mention."

Sam, not really knowing what to say to this, merely continued. He already could feel the idiocy permeating from the hateful pink eyesore he held precariously in his hands.

_Aragorn made his way slowly to her still figure, curled up like a helpless child under the light covers. He stirred the fire, hoping to bring color back to her complexion by bringing back the warmth. He also fixed a blanket, not liking the paleness of her face. He placed a hand on her cheek and let out his breath slowly. She was burning up! _

"Is she going to die?" Pippin asked, unintentionally quoting something he said much earlier before, only…he sounded excited, not worried…

_She awoke with a start. "What time is it?" she whispered._

_"Not yet dawn. Please rest, you are sick." _

"I dreamed I saw a great wave, climbing over green lands and above the hills. I stood upon the brink. It was utterly dark in the abyss before my feet. A light shone behind me, but I could not turn. I could only stand there, waiting."

Eowyn didn't have to say it. Pippin didn't have to say it. No one had to say it, because everyone was thinking it.

DREAM STEALER!

_"Aragorn…this may be the only time I ever say it…but I'm… afraid…I feel weak…I can barely move my arms and legs…I hurt everywhere…everything's going dark…" her breath caught in her throat and she shut her eyes to block the dizziness. _

_Without a word, Aragorn rushed out of the room, faster than lightning. _

"Probably didn't want to catch it too…" Pippin grinned.

_Theodem looked up as the door to his study banged open. "What is it?" he asked grouchily. _

_"Lady Celeste is dying! I need a healer!" _

_The castle was in an uproar for the next few hours. No matter what they did, no one could help her. Finally, Aragorn shooed everyone away so he could be with her till she passed on. _

_"I think it's typhoid fever…" Celeste whispered, tears glistening at her eyes. All the sparkle had left them, and Aragorn found he was no longer able to stare infinitely into their green depths. They were now clouded and unfocused. "I'm sorry…Aragorn…I should be preparing for…the next stage of the…battle…" she managed to gasp out, her breathing now laborious. _

_Aragorn ran a hand lightly over her cheek. _

"And I'm seriously hoping he means the one on her face…" Faramir said with total seriousness.

_"Do not trouble your weary mind with such information. Rest now and let us enjoy each other's company…one…last…time…" he ended in a whisper. _

_Celeste leaned gratefully into his hand, cool relief to her burning skin. "I love you…" _

_"I love you too, melamin." _

_"Aragorn…" her eyes widened as she felt her time drawing near. "Please…I don't want to go…where is the faerie, she can help me…" _

_"I do not know. But if she has abandoned us in this time of need, she will be hunted down and destroyed." Aragorn clenched his fists passionately. _

_"Please, talk to me…about anything…" _

_"Do you know, the day we met? I felt as if I had strayed into a dream." _

"Wow, does she have ANY of her own material!" Arwen wondered aloud, more dumbfounded than angry.

Merry and Pippin were now realizing that while this chapter may be coming to an end and their turns were approaching quickly, they would now be free of one of the Sues.

Elrohir, as if reading their minds, shook his head at their naivety. "If you are getting your hopes up, I would like to point out that Starr died and SHE came back…"

Merry and Pippin looked crestfallen.

_"You resembled a goddess, the fairest of the fair, with your hair the color of the morning sun and eyes like emeralds, twinkling as you partook in some unknown joke. Your lips, cherry red and utterly kissable, were a temptation I found it hard to resist." As if to emphasize it, he placed a soft kiss on her lips. "Your skin was that of one who had been in the sun and nature and enjoyed herself. Who really lived. You almost reminded me of a feminine, delicate, powerful, Elf-like Ranger," _

"That's just one contradiction after another," Elladan mused.

_"I loved you from the moment I saw you. I cannot imagine what my life would be like without you. Had it not been for you, I may still have been wandering lost, instead of maturing and taking up my duties as king." _

_Celeste just smiled, crystal tears streaming out from under her closed eyelids. _

_Aragorn saw her skin pale and knew she was slipping away. He captured her lips in one last kiss, his own tears mingling with hers in a salty tango. _

Sam broke off suddenly, in disbelief. "I-I can't believe what I'm reading!"

"You're not the only one," Aragorn sighed, shifting uncomfortably under the death glares currently being sent at him by Arwen. After all, SHE should be the only one his tears mingle with in a salty tango!

_Celeste's hand reached up and touched his face for the final time. _

_Aragorn grasped her hand desperately, as if it was the one way to keep her with him. _

_She mouthed the phrase "Meet me in Gondor" and her eyes finally closed, never to open again. _

_Aragorn laid his head on the blanket next to her, tears wetting the sheets as he cried away the pain. Legolas entered much later to console his friend, but Aragorn was beyond grief. _

_All they could do know was to hope for a miracle to take away the ache._

"FINALLY!" was the chorus that rang out throughout the room as Sam slammed the book shut in relief that his duty was done.

"Break out the ale!" Gimli exclaimed.

"I'll alert the cook so we can get some food sent up here!" Pippin said in a true Hobbit fashion.

And the party continued on into the night, all the readers pushing the thought of the rest of the chapters from their mind.

TBC… 

Dang, that was some sappy…stuff. Not as long as Starr's death, of course, because STARR MUST RULE ALL OF THE SUES IN THIS STORY!


	26. Always the Voice of Reason

Dang, that was some sappy…stuff. Not as long as Starr's death, of course, because STARR MUST RULE ALL OF THE SUES IN THIS STORY!

Disclaimer: Not mine. Never was. Never will be.

(sigh)

**Chapter 26: Always the Voice of Reason**

"Meet me in Gondor, I don't like the sound of that…" Merry said suddenly.

The celebrating stopped instantly as everyone froze and a silence fell over the room. The glass of champagne that Elrohir was pouring began to spill over the brim of the cup.

"What do you mean…?" Eowyn asked slowly.

"That's what she said."

"You don't think she's coming back, do you?" Pippin asked nervously.

"You didn't think she wouldn't!"

"I can hope, can't I?"

"When it comes to this story…no."

Elladan looked crestfallen. He had guessed as much, but wasn't ready to admit it. "Ah, Merry, always the voice of reason…DARN YOU!" he clenched his fists. "Couldn't just let us have our fantasies, could you? Of course not."

Aragorn, sensing a relapse in Merry's SCHS (Scary Crazy Hobbit Syndrome), decided to step in and put an end to the tomfoolery.

Arwen, sensing that Aragorn wouldn't be able to do squat at the rate he was going, jumped in and gave the two squabblers what for.

Two minutes later, adorable little Merry was calmed, and Elladan had a new bump on his head to add to his collection. Hey, Arwen IS his big sister after all.

"If Ada weren't in the Undying Lands, I would SO be telling on you right now…" Elladan muttered.

"Well Merry, I hate to impose, but it's your turn to read…" Eowyn said delicately in a sickeningly saccharine way. She catches on fast.

Eomer glanced at her as Merry begrudgingly settled into the cursed chair. "You seriously scare me sometimes…"

"Yeah, you would think you were taking lessons from the Wenches!" Faramir began to laugh, then cut short at the murderous look on Eowyn's face.

Glorfindel rolled his eyes. "Geez, for a match made in heaven, you two sure fight a lot."

"This story brings out the worst in people," Legolas said as a means of comfort, patting Faramir's shoulder as his face fell.

"That's true," Gimli said, looking thoughtful. "We've discovered that Sam is about as naïve as they come--"

"HEY!"

"Merry is quite scary--"

"Darn straight." He said, looking as satisfied as physically possible with the pink eyesore sitting menacingly in his lap.

"So are Eowyn and Arwen, for that matter—"

The two girls high-fived.

"Thranduil is a coward—"

"(Sigh) Yes…" Legolas breathed.

"Pippin gets REALLY mad when you steal his songs…"

"Well, I worked HARD on that!" Pippin insisted.

The two women present swooned at the cuteness overdose and assured him that they LOVED his song (even though they'd never heard it from him) and that Starr wasn't clever enough to think it up (even though she didn't) and made it sound bad (even though they read it, not heard it).

Gimli continued. "Aragorn gets blamed for a lot of stuff he didn't do…"

Arwen squeezed Aragorn's hand. "Yeah! …(pause)…HEY! WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!"

Aragorn whimpered slightly as her grasp on his hand turned into a death grip and threatened to cut off his circulation.

"Eowyn and Faramir have a lot of issues that need working out…"

"You really are not helping, Master Dwarf," Faramir glowered.

"Glorfindel and Eomer really should listen to us when we warn them about something—"

"To this I attest." Glorfindel said dramatically.

"Never have I regretted anything more," Eomer added.

"Elrohir gets sick easily…"

"EASILY?" the Elf roared. "YOU WEREN'T READING THAT…THAT…SMUT!"

"Legolas has the potential to be scarred for life."

Silence.

"Elladan has a really disturbing sense of humor,"

Arwen glared at said brother and mouthed the phrase, 'Light as a Feather, Stiff as a board.'

He grinned sheepishly. "What can I say? I was young. I was naïve. I had no idea what I was in for. Ah, for the old days!"

Aragorn looked amused as he rubbed his sore hand (having finally freed it from Arwen's hold). "Yes, because three days has the tendency to feel like an eternity."

"Ha ha. Have I mentioned how much I hate this room and will never return to it again?"

Gimli shook his head. "Looks like I'm the only normal one left here."

"Well, ignoring the fact that you were never 'normal' to begin with, shall we see how you react when this so-called authoress decides to write a slash piece involving you and some other male in this story?" Eowyn said sharply.

Legolas shuddered. "Ooo, I pity the poor guy. Not Gimli, but the guy who has to be with him."

Gimli sent a glare that burned with all the fires of Mordor at the Elf, who remained unfazed.

Pippin shrugged. "You got to tease all of us, now it's our turn…I'll start by recalling a certain drinking game loss to a (and I quote) 'pointy eared Elvish princeling'…"

Glorfindel laughed. "Serves him right! Why, this one time—"

Once again, Merry stepped in, to avoid someone getting hurt (from anger instead of alcohol this time). "Um, could I get this over with please? I think the book's burning a hole in my lap…"

"Very well. Go on." Eomer said, with all the cheer of someone being sentenced to be hung the next morning.

TBC…


	27. Interlude FAKE Legolas the Sappy Pansy

A/N: Okay, I fully apologize to you all and thank everyone for pointing out my blunder—Arwen is Elladan and Elrohir's YOUNGER sister.

Arwen: She was totally aware of this, but apparently doesn't know how to proofread…

CRC: Yeah! (pause) HEY!

I'd like to apologize. I have to stall this chapter, because I have no idea what to do next. Instead, I'm going to have an interlude in the Sue fic, with the fake Legolas talking about how much he loves Starr, blah blah blah…

Chapter 27: Interlude FAKE Legolas the Sappy Pansy

Merry raised his eyebrows. "The next chapter is an interlude by Legolas. I think it's only fitting that HE read it…"

Legolas shot him a glare. "Nice try."

Eowyn looked thoughtful. "Actually, I agree…"

When everyone else agreed as well, Legolas took Merry's place, grumbling something that sounded vaguely like, "I will burn you all…"

_Legolas's Interlude_

_How do I love Starr? Let me count the ways…_

"How original," Aragorn said dryly.

"Could we possibly come up with any ways that we love Starr…or even remotely like her, for that matter?" Pippin wondered aloud.

Dead. Silence.

"Yeah, didn't think so."

_From the moment I met her and held her in my arms—though she was barely there—I knew it was meant to be. _

Elladan had to fight to hold back maniacal laughter. Arwen gave him a look that seemed to say, "Don't even THINK the words 'feather' or 'board'!"

_Her eyes sparkle with the cheerfulness of a sunny summer sky, yet can take on a blue of the deepest depths of the ocean. They are the key into her emotions, and I could get lost in them for an eternity and a day._

"Give or take a millennia or two…" Faramir grinned.

"Weren't her eyes supposed to be purple?" Arwen mumbled.

Her hair cascades down her back like an auburn waterfall.

"What a lovely description. A BROWN waterfall? How is that attractive? Makes me think of polluted sludge water." Elrohir rolled his eyes, then paused. "…Actually, that wouldn't be too far off…"

How I love to run my fingers through her silky locks. I long to spend every waking moment with her.

"Every waking moment? If you REALLY loved her, you'd want to spend every sleeping (or whatever you bloody Elves do) moment with her two!" Gimli chuckled.

Legolas didn't even glare. He looked about ready to give up.

Sam was the only one who seemed to care.

When I'm not near her, my life seems to be filled with a great void.

"And when she IS around, she successfully fills it with a sickeningly saccharine love hate relationship (she loves me, I hate her)—and I'd much rather prefer the void…" Legolas added.

Arwen poked him. "Stick to the real story, Elf Boy."

She is kind to everyone around her. The hobbits adore her.

"YEAH RIGHT!" all three hobbits present screeched together. If you listen REAL hard, you can hear Frodo screaming the same thing from the Undying Lands.

Boromir treasured her so much, he gave up his life for her.

Faramir let out a long string of curses.

It would ordinarily make me jealous, but in this case, there is enough of this wonderful, beautiful, fantastic girl to go around.

"Any takers?" Glorfindel grinned. "No one? Going once…"

"NO!"

It amazes me how one person can care so much. She seems truly affected by everything that happens to us—

" 'Seems' being the key word here," Eomer smirked.

Though she has only known most of us a short time. She fits right in.

I will not even talk of her death, for luckily she came back. It pains me to just think of it. It seems that she will be with us for a very long time, which I'm thankful for.

"She's like a really bad rash that will never go away," Eowyn said, putting an emphasis on 'never'.

Middle Earth will never be the same since she's arrived. She's changed us greatly ("And not in the good way," Elladan grumbled.) and we regard her as a gift from the Valar.

"Whom you can almost hear snort in annoyance at this present moment," Aragorn sighed, shaking his head.

We all owe our sincerest thanks to the faerie GwenethCamilleScarlettRuby (A/N: I've changed her name, giggle giggle titter titter), who made this all possible. As well as the fantastic author of this story, Prettyprettyprincesssweet16.

"DEATH TO THE FAIRIE AND THE SHAMELESS SELF-INSERTING SUE AUTHOR!" was the rousing shout that echoed throughout the castle. The servants looked up from their chores, startled.

So, in summary…

Everyone groaned.

I love Starr because she makes me happy. She's beautiful to behold. She is kind to everyone around her, and for that, every single person in this universe loves her. She can fight like the best of us (if not better). She is good with children. She gives amazing back rubs. She's great in bed—whoops, ignore that one, that was a secret! .

She makes me feel good and loved. She can cook better than Sam. ("HEY!") She is excellent with children (wink wink nudge nudge). She is as intelligent as they come, and an excellent strategist. Many a battle have gone over smoothly thanks to her planning. She is talented in the art of persuasion. She's a wonderful actress, artist, and writer. She is truly a gift from above.

I love the way she looks, the way she talks, the way she breathes, the way she walks. I love how she spells her name with 2 r's.

Starr…

I love you.

"Aw, how sweet…NOT." Elrohir said sarcastically as he watched Legolas slam the book shut and be restrained by Aragorn, Faramir, and Eomer from tossing it in the fire.

TBC…

A/N: I'm so mean to poor Legolas! XD He'll live.

Thank you all again for your reviews! 788, that's insane! wOOt!


	28. A World of Hurt

I really, REALLY wanted to gouge my eyes out when I looked over the last chapter. All the flippin' formatting was screwed up! RAWR! So, for future chapters…

PLEASE FORGIVE ME IF THE ITALICS ARE MESSED UP!

They are right when I upload it, I don't know what happens (and won't let me preview it).

Anyway, short chapter, because I have an entire English paper to write…

Chapter 28: A World Of Hurt

Merry begrudgingly took up his place in the horror chair. "If this scars me for life, I am sooo blaming you."

_Starr lay in her soft bed (that had been prepared for her, being the only female in the group). She could not shake the feeling that something was, like, wrong. Her usually brilliant mind was troubled at the loss of her dear, dear friend. Her mind was spinning. _

"I know the feeling," Eowyn said with fake cheer.

_Then she heard the whispers: _

_"I just want to look at it. One more time."_

_"Put it back!" _

_Starr sat straight up, a look of horror on her face, eyes wide, as she heard Pippin's cries of pain. _

"It really did hurt. And I'm not sure I like having my former ignorance thrown back in my face," Pippin commented.

_Aragorn and Legolas burst into the room as Gandalf snapped awake. "What took you so friggin' long!" Starr said wittily as she snatched the Palantir away from the Hobbit. _

_Legolas looked very concerned, not wanting to lose Starr like Aragorn had lost Celeste. _

"HE may not, but WE all do…" Elrohir murmured absentmindedly.

_However, Sauron's questions immediately turned into wails of pain. The eye faded straight away, in fear of Starr's awesome power. _

"Speaking of pain, if I ever find this Prettyprettyprincesssweet16, she is in for a world of hurt," Arwen said in a dangerously low voice.

Merry threw his hands up in joy as Geezer examined the other foolish hobbti. "Starr's strength has saved us again!"

_Starr blushed prettily and batted her eyelashes. Legolas longed to wrap her in his arms and never let go, he loved her soooooooooooo much! _

"Like, yah, totally! She is like dah hottest chick eva!" Legolas tittered. Everyone else burst out laughing.

"You're too good at that!" Glorfindel wiped a tear of laughter from his eye.

_That's what led up to the whole group in the golden hall (which like wasn't NEARLY as golden and pretty as Starr's jewelry!) with Theoden babbling AGAIN. And then Ganaldf babbled some, and before they knew it, Pippin and Gandalf were leaving for some place, and they finally got to leave the boring old hall. Eowyn wandered off, probably to stalk Aragorn, and Starr followed, ready to kick some wench butt if Eowyn tried anything on the grieving man. She knew it was only a matter of time before Celeste came back, so she would keep Aragorn out of Eowyn's slimy clutches. _

"Meh, who needs Aragorn when I have Faramir?" Eowyn cooed.

"Watch it…" Aragorn warned.

_She rounded a corner to hear Eowny reasoning with Gornie. _

"Gornie? Um, NO."

_"She is dead! You must move on and not spend your life in mourning!" _

_"She will return," Starr said suddenly, stepping out into the open. Eywon started and Aragorn looked up, hope etched on his face. _

_"Due to my extensive intelligence, I know for a fact that she will return with the wizard." _

_Aragorn looked blissfully happy. "If Lady Starr says it, it must be true!" _

_Eowyn unattractively grumbled something, but Aragorn ignored her and walked away with Starr. _

"I really wouldn't be surprised if she steals Aragorn from Celeste and has hot steamy three-way with—" Elladan began.

"I'm gonna stop you right there," Faramir laughed.


	29. More Bad Nicknames and Woots

Chapter 29: Just When You Thought the Nicknames Couldn't Get Worse…

"Pippin's turn!" Merry said, looking way too happy, as he tossed the book to the other Hobbit as if it burned to hold it for too long. It probably did, but that's beside the point.

_Aragorn was seized with a sudden thought. "Celeste said 'meet me in Gondor' before she died…" _

_Starr beamed in pride. "That's my girl! Probably off to scope out the land she will be queen over once she marries you, Gorniekins."_

_Aragorn smiled with an excited look in his eye. _

Arwen plastered a strained smile on her face. "I won't let it get to me…I won't let it get to me…" she muttered through clenched teeth.

Aragorn contemplated running before things got too bad, but decided to sweat it out. He knew what was going to happen next…

_"And I shall just have to wait a little longer to see her again," Starr mused to herself. "Aw, she will get to meet Fary before me!" _

Legolas let out the laughter that had been threatening to burst at the nickname 'Gorniekins.' "Oh, this is too good! I can hardly wait!"

Faramir looked quite ill, and pretended not to have heard this. Eowyn was looking rather pissy as she remembered that her man was still in jeopardy.

_Several days, Gandalv and Pippni reached Gondor. _

"Now that was more than just a gap in the storytelling!" Elladan said suddenly.

"It was a chasm!" Elrohir added.

Pippin was too busy being incredulous that someone could possibly misspell HIS name to hear that.

_"It's the tree!" Pippin cheered, bouncing up and down in the saddle. _

_"Yes—who's that?" Gandalf wondered aloud. _

_A figure stood next to the tree, one hand restng on the bark, clothed all in flowing white. _

"Please let it be Saruman, please let it be Saruman!" Eomer said, crossing his fingers.

_Blonde hair streamed golden in the sun as they recognized the face._

_"Celeste!" Pippin excailmed, tears flowing freely down his face. Tears of joy._

"More like tears of despair." Said Hobbit mumbled almost inaudibly. Almost.

_She smiled serenely, lighting up the area lyke a summer sun. Nearby guards felt the gloom instantly lifted from their hearts. _

_Gandlaf allowed himself a slight smile. Big grins were SO not his, like, style, kay?_

There were quite a few raised eyebrows and disbelieving looks after that phrase was read…

_"You have returned to us, and brought hope back with you," _

_Later that night…_

"Okay, so she's totally half-a—" Glorfindel began, but was smacked by Arwen.

"No swearing! I don't want to shatter poor Sam's innocence more than necessary."

"HIS innocence!" Legolas burst out suddenly, then covered his mouth with a hand. "I'm sorry, it just slipped out!" he said when under the Glare of Arwen.

"Mordor hath no evil like that of an angry woman," Gimli muttered to Aragorn absentmindedly.

_"It's so quiet," Celeste said, leaning on the balkuny. The light evening wind stirred her dress, now deep purple, and her golden hair. _

"Funny, I half expected her dress to be fluorescent pink…" Merry said, amused.

_"It's the deep breath before the plunge," Gandalf said quietely._

_Celeste shivered, wrapping her arms around herself, wishing instead for the strong arms of her Aragorn. _

Arwen made a funny little noise of protest but said nothing.

_Her smooth skin was cold to the touch, perhaps a reminder of her death. She hoped to warm up soon. She woud have to ask Starr what she did. _

_A while later, Celeste helped hoist Pippin up onto the beacon thingy and light it. She blew the guards a kiss (cuz she was like the MASTER at those :giggle: ) and they fell over, stunned and with nosebleeds. _

_Meanwhile, in Rohan…_

_Starr sat straight up as the little light appeared on the mountaintop. She and Aragorn ran into the Hall. _

_"The beacons!" she exclaimed. _

_"The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!" Aragorn added. _

_Thoden looked to be debating it mentally. Eowin and Eomer stood nearby, waiting. _

_Starr gave the king her best puppy dog eyes and smile, and he immediately caved like a house of wet spaghetti. "And Rlohan will answer them!" _

"What's spaghetti?" Sam asked.

"I'm not sure, though I know it's something unflattering to be compared to," Eomer said.

"And I don't appreciate our late uncle being insulted so," Eowyn said coldly to no one in particular.

_"Woot! I get to see Celeste again!" Aragorn cheered. _

Dead silence.

" 'Woot'?" Was the universal cry.

"Is there even such a word?" Elrohir questioned.

"Let alone would the King of Gondor ever say it!" Glorfindel said, exasperated.

"I kinda like it," Pippin said, looking thoughtful. "Woot. Woot. Woot. Woot. It kinda has a musical quality to it. Woot. Woot. Woot."

Arwen buried her face in her hands.

"What have they started?" Gimli shook his head.

"I'll be hearing that all the way back to the Shire," Merry said with fake happiness.

_Theoden began to ramble about mustering someone, and Gamling his little lap dog scurried off to do it. Starr tossed her hair and left to pack, beckoning Legolas over seductively for a last bit of fun before the yucky stuff began. _

There was a collective groan of dismay and Legolas fell out of his chair in horror.

_But that is, like, private, so butt out::giggle giggle:_

"Since WHEN are they modest!" Eowyn said, throwing her hands up in the air.

"I wouldn't complain," Legolas said, a look of total relief on his face.

"True, true."

"It's rather a miracle, it is," Legolas continued.

"It is quite strange."

"I never thought I'd see it."

"Me neither,"

"It comes as quite a relief,"

"Most definitely,"

"Are you two quite finished?" Pippin snapped. Everyone stared at him. "Sorry. I want to get this over with, you know?"

_So the red velvet curtains close on this chapter, and I betcha you can't wait 4 the next one! Love, prettyprettyprincesssweet16 XOXOXOXO_

Pippin practically threw the book at Arwen in relief, letting out one last "Woot!"

TBC…


	30. Starting a Collection for Pippin's Thera...

Chapter 30: Starting Up a Collection For Pippin's Therapy…

Arwen began quite reluctantly. "My Sue-NC-17 senses are tingling."

_"So, Celeste, how have you been?" Gandalf asked. Celeste sighed melodiously. _

_"I miss my Ary-kins. Why did he not come? I told him…he heard it, I know that he was holding onto my every word those last few minutes—" _

"Try hours." Gimli griped.

_"—I don't know why he wouldn't…" she trailed off, tears in her bright eyes._

_"He does have duties to the Fellowship—" _

"You tell her, Gandalf!" Sam cheered.

_"—though I do not know why he would abandon such a beautiful woman as yourself." _

"Nevermind…" Sam mumbled.

" 'Woman'? Pssh, she is just a child!" Glorfindel said condescendingly.

"Well, she gets Sue points for making Gandalf seem like a dirty old pedophile," Eowyn said in an undertone.

_Celeste drew herself up to her full 5'4" and glared. "Ary did NOT abandon me, how DARE you sugest that! And coming on to a woman in her grieving, vulnerable state! How positively shameless!" _

_Gandalf cowered in the corner. _

"Gandalf does not COWER!" Legolas said hotly. He was getting a break from the torture, for the time being.

_"Now that I'm all hot and bothered…" she sighed again. "I wish Aragorny were here even more…" she glanced at Pippin who was still struck dumb with both her beauty and happiness she had returned. "Aragorn would forgive me if I was unfaithful in this time of need. And what he doesn't know won't hurt him." She giggled adorably and turned to Pippin, fully intent on snapping him out of his trance in the best way she knew how. _

If it were possibly for an Elf to turn fluorescent green, Arwen was speeding towards that accomplishment as she paused and scanned the next paragraph. She didn't have to say a word—the images, horrible images in their heads told the story for them.

Pippin was a little slow on the uptake. "Wait…you don't mean she…" and then it clicked. "AAAUUUGH! NOOOO! I'VE BEEN SCARRED FOR LIFE! I'VE BEEN CORRUPTED! GAAAAAAHHHH!"

"I feel your pain," Legolas said by ways of comfort, though failing miserably.

"I don't know whether to feel relieved or nauseous…" Aragorn said, looking completely aghast.

Merry, getting a nasty feeling that he may be next, in a burst of adrenaline, grabbed his chair with every intent of taking it to the book and irrevocably destroying it. He had to be held back by Gimli and Elladan. "Sorry," he said sheepishly, calming down. "I've GOT to work on my fight or flight instinct when I'm cornered…"

Arwen, deciding that she shouldn't have to be facing this alone, read aloud a few choice phrases to detail to the others the horror that is a Mary Sue sex scene:

_"Ushered Gandalf out of the room, because she was SO not into three-ways…shut the canopy seductively…curly-haired hobbit stud…height was made up for in other ways…_Oh Sweet Eru…_sounds of bed springs and giggling filled the room…Gandalf listening at the door…_That's bloody IT!" Arwen roared, hurling the book at the window. Unluckily for her, it was really strong glass and it just bounced back, narrowly missing hitting Elladan in the face.

Silence fell over the room, punctuated only by the whimpers of the newly-in-need-of-therapy Pippin, and the heavy breathing of Arwen, who's face was now a lovely mix of green and red.

Eomer looked revolted. "This story should come with a warning label: To read, one must…Be rich in order to afford the extensive therapy that will be necessary once finished…strong of stomach to get past the smutty scenes that no one should be forced to read…and good natured to endure the verbal abuse upon yourself and friends unless you're one of the 'hot' characters…"

"Not to mention the ability to withstand long drivel and completely mindless lovey-dovey nonsense that has nothing by the means of a plot because the half wit of an author has not a creative brain in her head and must use (and mangle) the stories of others instead of thinking up one herself." Elrohir added all in one breath.

Faramir was inspecting the window. "You know, I may not be a glass specialist, but I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to happen."

"Thanks for that." Elladan said. He was still smarting about the fact that he had almost been smacked right in the face with the book. Getting a concussion from a pink-Lisa-Frank-sticker-covered eyesore would be hard to explain to the healers. Very much so.

_Later…_

_"It's Mithrandir! The White Rider!" cheered the Men of Gondor. They paused, squinting at the second horse next to him. If possible, that horse was even whiter than Shadowfax. _

"Now even her HORSE is better than everyone else's." Glorfindel pointed out.

_Astride it sat a maiden in a rosy pink dress that flapped behind her along with her golden hair. They stared lustfully on, as he raised his staf and she raised only her arm. White light came from Gandalf's, but a pure light of complete goodness was what came out of Celeste's hands, repelling the Nazguls even more so than the wizard. _

"Should've seen that coming." Aragorn said.

"Yeah, but it really was cool when Gandalf did that." Faramir insisted.

"Oh, I'm sure, that's why I'm positive there would be no way to out-cool that."

"Good point. Stupid girl."

TBC…


	31. Royally Screwed Over

Chapter 31: Royally Screwed Over

Arwen smiled sweetly as she passed the book off to Aragorn. Fearing another outburst, he took the book without a complaint.

_Celeste gasped as Pippin ran over. "Denethor's lost his mind! He's burning Faramir alive!" _

"Wait, what just happened here?" Eowyn blinked.

"The plot just got royally screwed over?" Glorfindel offered.

"Sues will omit parts they deem unnecessary or that they believe are adding to the time before they get married to their lovers and ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after." Arwen explained.

"Well, we're closer to the end then!" Sam said, looking relieved.

"Don't be so sure…" Merry said. "I'm willing to bet all the pipeweed in the Shire that their story will continue long after the quest of the Ring. LONG after."

Sam grumbled incoherently. He was not alone.

_"We must stop him!" Celeste gasped. To herself, she added: 'Because that stupid twit Eown will never, like, leave Gornie alone unless she finds herself a man!'_

"Oh a twit I am? Takes one to know one!"

"Eowyn, dear, don't sink to their level. Now, I want to hear the ridiculous way in which she prevents my father from incinerating me." Faramir replied.

_Denethor stood on the pyre, arms open, when Gandalf, Pippn, and Celeste ran in. Celeste floated over and stood at the bottom of the pyre. Her eyes were pleading. Taking one look at her, Denethor realized how selfish he was being, pushed Fary off, then set him self on fire and ran screaming off the cliff thingy. _

"Oh, excellent! I definitely did not see that coming!" Faramir said with what could have been mistaken for genuine cheer…but on closer inspection, one could see the vein bulging in his forehead and the crazed look in his eyes.

_"So passes Denethor, son of Écthelion…" Celeste whispered as she leaned over Fary, tears flowing down her cheeks._

_Faramir stirred and saw a vision of loveliness leaning over him._

Murmurs of more potential love-triangles…or squares now…could be heard in the room.

"Hush, this is going to be good, I can tell!" Faramir said sarcastically.

_Her hair was like that of the shining of the sun, and her eyes held the green of a deep lush forest in summer. _

"If that makes any sense…" Elrohir mumbled, almost inaudibly.

_"I am sureth now that I am dead, for you appeareth with the semblance of an angel sent by the Valar…" _

_Celeste giggled and blushed. _

"Now, before you go all Arwen on me, this guy is a pansy and NOT ME." Faramir said quickly to Eowyn as Merry and Pippin laughed in the background.

"You talk funny!" Pippin chortled.

"At least I haven't done it with her." Faramir retorted.

"Yet." Elladan said smugly.

Faramir rounded on him and the Elf looked away, whistling innocently. Meanwhile, Pippin was having horrible flashbacks.

"He's going to have a phobia of lace pillows and silk bed sheets for the rest of his life." Merry breathed.

_"The horses are restless and the men are quiet." Leggie said in all his gorgeousness. _

"Oh, so now we're back with the others. I was beginning to wonder. I didn't think Starr could possibly stay out of the spotlight for this long." Gimli said amusedly.

_Eomer and was talking with Legolas and Gimli. "Bad." He grunted. _

"Ah," Eomer said somewhat dryly. "So I'm monosyllabic now."

_"Ha!" Starr tossed her hair. "I could handle that road." _

_"Yes!" sniveled Gimli. "For you are the most powerful being ever! You could beat Sauron on your own should you wish to!" _

_"Why, that's very nice………whatever your name is…" _

Gimli didn't appear to feel bad about being forgotten. In fact, he looked rather pleased. "At least she's not going to be shagging me any time soon."

_"There. A true esquire of Rohan!" the greasy-haired chick said idiotically. Honestly. Who says 'esquire'?_

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

_Starr bounced over. "Merry! You look adorable!" _

_Merry, who had prevusly been staring at Eowny in disbelief (of her stupidity) beamed happily. "I'm flattered to hear that from such a wonderful person as yourself!" _

"Yes, it simply made my day!" Merry said with an air.

_"You should not encourage him." Eomre said. _

_"You should not open your mouth!" Starr snapped. She should have expected Ewoyn's brother to be as dumb. _

"Yes, Eowyn, we really should work on that."

"By all means! Oh dear, I seemed to have misplaced my dunce cap!"

_Starr passed by another tent only to double take and dash inside. "Elrond!" she squealed, giving him a hug. He smiled and hugged back. _

"More like he would have her shot on the spot." Elladan muttered.

"Actually, I think he'd do it himself." Corrected Elrohir.

_"I just came to say that Arwen is dying, so you are free to date that more beautiful girl, Celeste. She is alive and well in Gondor." _

_"All the more reason to make haste to Gondor so nothing happns to my Snuggy-poo! Onto Dimhult Road!" _

"It's a good thing common sense isn't a key part of this story because I have never heard, nor ever will hear, Aragorn say the word Snuggy-poo." Arwen informed them.

"But," Glorfindel chuckled. "You have to admit that that would be pretty funny!"


	32. Even Ghosts Fear Mary Sues

Chapter 32: Even Ghosts Fear Mary Sues

_Starr stared around her, _Eomer began, more fear in his heart than ever before. _–with big astonished amethyst eyes. The path was dreary with big sharp rocks of different gray colors. Very depressing. _

_"Tis very fortunate that Lady Starr is with us. Her beauty doth chase away some of the dankness." Gimli beamed. _

_"Ha!" Legolas said. "It chases it ALL away." _

"Well, ignore me, I'm just an ignorant dwarf," Gimli mimicked.

_Starr blushed from the attention. Her hair whipped gracefully around her face as the wind blasted forth from the creepy door. The horses bolted, yet Starr's compassionate heart did not feel any anger toward them._

"Well, thank the Valar!" Elladan rolled his eyes.

"I was hoping one of the horses would crush her in it's rush…" Glorfindel said forlornly.

"If any, it would have been Brego. I swear that horse is more intelligent than some men I know." Aragorn informed them.

"Oh boy." Eomer groaned, looking up from scanning the rest of the page. "Some more pointless descriptions!"

_Starr stood like a goddess in stark contrast to the dark path. Her auburn hair had acquired a red sheen and a wavy tendency. Even without a week of bathing, she was glowing and positively radiant. Her eyes sparkled with a mirth that lightened the hearts of those around her. Her own heart was heavy with the fate of those to be killed in upcoming battles, yet light with the knowledge of the outcome of this war. She was happy to know at least that her Leggie, Celeste's Gornie, and the little hobbits would survive. The hobbits because Starr always put the care of young people first. _

"Shows how much she knows. We're older than her." Merry scowled.

_Starr had changed into an evergreen dress that resembled a tunic, yet hung down nearly to the floor. It gave her an Elven feel, with the light fabric and soft colorz. It flowed behind her like a banner, and with her slippers she moved silently over the path. She had an unearthly feel about her, full of power and mystery. _

"Unearthly? This whole story is out of this world." Elrohir raised an eyebrow.

Faramir chuckled. "And not in the good way."

"Talk about impractical outfits for traveling." Arwen sighed. "Her dress would get caught or ripped, and then what would she do?"

"Walk around in nothing but her skin. Keep in mind, she has not yet grasped the concept of modesty." Eowyn replied.

_Yet Legolas had been noticing lately, that the lights in her eyes were strangely dim. He could get lost in them for hours, on a journey of fantasy and bliss. He wondered if some bad childhood memories were resurfacing. If anyone had hurt her, Legolas resolved to personally hunt them down and make them pay. That bully from first grade who said she had greasy hair and abnormally big eyes was SO going down. Her teacher from seventh grade who said she was way out of touch with reality? Dead meat. _

"And so the authoress unknowingly reveals some of her life…" Glorfindel commented.

"Is it sad that it makes perfect sense?" Sam wondered aloud.

_Aragorn turned and glared at the stupid door. "I do not fear death." Starr giggled, Celeste would be soooo turned on if she could see her man now!_

_"Me neither!" she said proudly, following Aragorn in, with her faithful Leggie at her side. _

"I am no one's dog." Legolas glowered.

"At least you aren't anyone's means of satisfying themselves while their significant other isn't with them…" Pippin said, looking rather gloomy.

_They left Gimli behind. No one cares. Eventually he followed. Darn. They were still stuck with him. _

"Stop, you're making me blush."

_"I see shapes of men." Legolas whispered. _

_"And of horses." Starr added softly, brushing a strand of her beautiful hair out of her eyes. _

_Several minutes later, Starr felt the ground change beneath her light steps. Knowing what she would see, she kept her head upright. _

_"Do not look down," Aragorn warned the others, always a step behind Starr's extensive intelligence. _

_"Who enters my domane?" came a voice. _

_"One who will have your allegiance." Starr answered in Aragorn's frightened pause. Her voice rang out clear and crisp in the dark chamber._

"What would we do without her?" Aragorn said, a strange smile on his face.

_There was a hesitation. "The…Dead do not suffer the living to pass." _

_Aragorn, regaining his courage at the face of Starr's tremendous bravery, said, "You will suffer me." _

_Laguhter echoed through the hall. _

_But, to save time, taking one look at Starr, the ghosts were filled with both fear and awe. They summoned a big wave of skulls which Starr managed to warn them all about and get rescued from by her Leggie. _

_They stood on the shore, watched those boat thingies sail by. _

_"You may go no farther. You will not enter Gondor." Aragorn yelled. _

_Legolas prepared to fire the shot. Starr had half a mind to stop Gimli from knocking the bow, but it worked out alright anyway. _

"Wow!" Faramir mock-gaped. "She didn't interfere! It's a miracle!"

_"Boarded? By you and whose army?" jeered one of the ruffieans. _

_"This army." Starr whispered in a dangerously low tone. _

_The dead came swooping out from behind them, and made short work of the ships and terrified men. _

_They cried out to Starr for a lady's mercy._

"They'd better look elsewhere for a lady." Merry grinned.

"Well, she'll somehow turn them good and add to the forces of the good guys, watch." Elladan guessed.

_She turned up her nose at them. "I save my mercy for those who deserve it!" _

"Did NOT see that coming."

"Isn't that totally against what mercy is all about?" Arwen sighed.

_And so Starr helped conquer those ship things, and the four of them boarded them and made their way to Gondor, to surprise a few ugly orcs. But in the meantime, Starr and Leggie snuck off to have a little fun before landing. (Wink wink) _

"Ugh!" Eowyn muttered, looking revolted. "No matter how I prepare myself for this, it always disgusts me!"

"You aren't the only one." Said Legolas, looking miserable.

"But you're lucky, that's the end of the chapter!" Eomer said gleefully, slamming shut the book and dropping it into Gimli's lap. "I pity you." He added softly. Gimli just glared in response as Eomer grabbed his sister and twirled her around, so happy he was to be finished.

"Poor kid," Glorfindel shook his head. "He may never recover."

"He looks just fine." Aragorn said dryly.

"Oh, yeah? Watch this." Glorfindel picked up the book and opened back to the chapter Eomer had just finished. "Eomer! You forgot a page—they were stuck together!"

To an onlooker, it would seem that Eomer was stricken down mid leap, and curled into a small whimpering ball in the corner, where the shadows seemed to grow deeper with the depression that fell over him.

"Oh, I'm sure he'll be perfectly fine!" Elrohir said sarcastically.

"Well, we're ALL like that!" Aragorn protested.

Glorfindel went over to Eomer, laughing. "Kidding, I'm kidding!"

It was very fortunate for Glorfindel that he had good reflexes, or he would have a nice fist-shaped dent in his pretty face.

Pippin sighed. "What is this group coming to…"

TBC…


	33. Raging Hormones

Chapter 33: Raging Hormones

Eomer gladly relinquished his possession of the book to Gimli, muttering something about 'pity' and 'scarred for life'…

The Dwarf began in an overly gruff voice, obviously not pleased with the reading situations.

_"Say not that he has fallen!" Denethor said. _

_"They were outnumbered. None survived." Said a soldier. _

"Is 'said' the only verb this author knows how to use to express speech?" Elrohir pondered.

_Celeste crouched by Faramir's side, and saw his chest rise and fall. She knew he was not dead, but also knew how things would turn out—she didn't like Denethor, so let him burn!_

"Ah, this would be insanity. I recognize it now." Faramir said through clenched teeth.

Merry raised his eyebrows and whispered to Pippin, "If he gets angry about this, his inevitable Oh-I'm-wounded-please-care-for-me-and-then-make-sweet-love-to-me scene is going to drive him over the edge!"

"Well, don't get me started on how Eowyn will react…" Pippin gulped.

_Celeste rolls her eyes as Denehtor completely cracks and starts telling the men to flee. One well-placed right hook later, and the Steward was on the ground, shocked. _

_Later…_

_"Bring wood and oil!" _

_Celeste peered around a wall as Deney passed. She had to save Fary—sure, he wasn't as hot as Aragorn—_

"Well, he is a whole lotta man…" Faramir responded sarcastically. "How could I possible compete?"

_--But he was still good-looking. _

"Because that's all that matters, right?" Legolas muttered darkly.

"You must keep in mind that a Sue's brain is focused on only so many things…we wouldn't want their heads exploding, now would we?" Arwen sighed.

"Actually we would." Eowyn said, quite viciously.

"Good point. Carry on then."

_Perhaps once he was recovered, they could have some fun…_

"Ordinarily, I would be upset to have such an unfaithful lover. But in this case, I will make an exception. Or just auction her off to the highest bidder." Aragorn grinned.

"Or give her to the orcs…" Elladan offered. "That'd be fun…"

"I wouldn't say give her to Sauron, because they'd probably team up and take over Arda. If she didn't drive him absolutely bloody insane first." Eomer pointed out.

"I'm actually surprised she hasn't either taken the Ring herself to 'purify it' or just fought Sauron on her own and OF COURSE defeat him and save all of our lives." Glorfindel said, sarcasm practically dripping from his voice.

"Are you all finished, or should I wait another two hours?" Gimli questioned somewhat irritably. No one blamed him, though. Just having that…thing…in your hands was cause enough for crankiness.

_Celeste joined Pippin as he attempted to stop Denethor the Loon. When Pip ran off to get Gandal, however, Denethor grabbed her and—_

"Please no please no please no please no!" Faramir chanted, fingers crossed.

_Pulled her on to the now burning wood pile. Gandalf slammed in and gasped in horror. _

_"I shall take beauty with me to the next world after all!" Denethor cackled. Celeste screamed as the flames licked at her feet. _

By now the room was utter chaos. Someone had set fire to one of the chairs in celebration and mockery of Celeste's plight, and everyone except Gimli was dancing around it in a circle, quite resembling a…crazed bunch of lunatics.

_But Gandalf did something that no one cares—all we know is that Celeste was looking beautiful during the whole thing, of course—and Dentethor ran off the cliff on fire. Faramir was saved! Now to care for him, and then…well, who knows? (giggle)_

"It's like Attack of the Raging Hormones!" Legolas exclaimed. "They change partners so much my head is spinning!"

"It isn't faithful, it sure isn't," Sam replied, shaking his head. "You'd never catch Rosie doing that, and that's a fact."

Pippin smirked. "Though Sam here HAS had to get a little rough with some drunks who SUGGESTED it…" Sam scowled at him.

"Just be happy there haven't been any three-ways…yet." Elladan commented.

:POW: Pillow right in the kisser.

"And now that you've sufficiently disgusted us," Arwen replied in a huff. "Would you all be quiet and let Gimli finish?"

_"So passes Denethor, son of Ecthelion." Gandalf said. _

_Celeste was too busy accompanying Fary to his room to pay attention to the rambling of some old crackpot. _

"I'm two sentences away from snapping, I assure you…" Aragorn glared, at no one in particular.

"Well then laddie you're lucky that's the end of the chapter. I pity the one who is reading next, for I can predict what will be happening…"

Eowyn looked murderous. "That would be me. "

Gimli paled.

"Eru save us all…" Elrohir whispered.


	34. Hair Like Horse Manure

Chapter 34: Hair Like Horse Manure

Eowyn took up her place in the chair, ready to send an incinerating glare at anyone who dared laugh…or breathe. It would be the understatement of the century to say she was angry. Faramir silently pitied the poor chair she sat in—the pure anger radiating off her body in the form of heat must have been unbearably hot.

"The Valar must be rolling on the floor laughing at the sheer irony of this situation." Arwen said dryly.

"Has anyone else noticed that the idiot of an authoress wrote about Denethor's death twice?" Elrohir inquired.

"I think we have a bigger problem to worry about currently," Eomer gulped, eyeing his sister with terror. He had never seen her so livid. "Not even Grima could get such a reaction from her…" he whispered.

Eowyn began slowly, as if she would read but DEFINITELY wasn't happy about it.

_Faramir's PUV_

"Hold up, is it not 'P**_O_**V'?" Glorfindel asked derisively.

"When their IQ is smaller than their shoe size, what do you expect?" Sam said suddenly, catching everyone else off guard.

"Come to think of it, that could explain the glitch with Denethor…" Elrohir considered.

_My mind was a fog as I opened my eyes to find myself in the Healing place…thing. One thing that stood out was a figure in white with golden hair. My first thought was Eowyn._

"Well, see, that's not too bad!" Pippin said by means of comfort.

_But then I realized that Eowyn isn't even CLOSE to being that pretty!_

"Once again, I must eat my words!" Pippin sighed.

"You Hobbits will eat anything!" Gimli joked. Merry punched him on the arm.

"I don't really think Dwarves should throw stones…" he grinned.

_Her hair cascaded down her back in a golden waterfall, which shined with darker as well as reddish hilights._

"So now her hair looks like horse manure…" Merry wrinkled his nose.

"Well, the sun can do that…" Aragorn smirked.

_Her back was to me, so I could admire her slender figure, but when she turned, I found that I liketh the view from the front better. Her green eyes sparkled in a subdued manner as she looked at me in concern. She failed to notice that her white gown had slipped slightly off her lily white shoulder…_

"There is no doubt in my mind as to where all this is going…" Arwen's voice trailed off, not wishing to incur the wrath of Eowyn.

Faramir was hoping his chair would just swallow him up before this went any further. He can't be blamed, however, for fearing the woman who killed the Witch King.

Legolas, however, was having a grand old time not being the center of the Sues' torturing.

But it seems that the Valar decided they just didn't like him today…

_Meanwhile, Starr and Legolas were getting hot and heavy on those ships—_

Legolas's left eye twitched, yet the rest of his face was a mask of no emotion.

As Eowyn continued, Eomer made a face. "Must you read it all aloud?"

She glared daggers at him. "Yes, I must. If I have to read this, I shall NOT be the only one!"

So all present were subjected to hear all the gory details of Starr's sick little fantasy. That includes the "handcuffs, chocolate syrup, whips" and then some.

By the time she finished, that part, the others were writhing in pain and moaning something about their ears burning.

_Celeste's large yet supple breasts intrigued the Captain of Gondor. He was used to saggy ones—_

" That is entirely too much information!" Elrohir snapped as Faramir buried his face in his hands.

Just when they thought it couldn't get worse, Eowyn (loudly) continues reading.

_"You just lie still," she purred silkily. "We'll play injured soldier and healer…" she winked seductively and proceeded to strip—_

"PLEASE NO!" was the simultaneous cry.

This caused two servants passing by the closed door to glance at each other with raised eyebrows, and hurry on.

Taking pity on them, Eowyn merely read a few choice phrases out loud.

" 'Her pale skin contrasted greatly with his sun-tanned body'… 'she helped him shed his clothes'… 'passionate kissing'…Oh my! She is certainly confident that you are WELL-endowed!"

This caused everyone in the room to burst out laughing, and Faramir to turn bright red, and make himself more familiar with the fetal position.

_Celeste lay next to Faramir on the bed, the sheets cooling her burning flesh. He slowly ran a hand through her silky locks, pressing his lips hungrily against hers._

"WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS!"

"Serves you right—now you know how it feels!" Legolas said, crossing his arms over his chest and giving Faramir a pointed look.

" 'Silky locks'? Silky locks that I would much like to chop off and slowly burn…" Merry said, going very still.

The others stared at him like deer in headlights.

_"Ah, my sweet, I know this is only a fling until Aragorn arrives, but it was wonderful while it lasted." _

_"Well," Celeste said. "Once Gornie-hon is king and marries me instead of that hussy Arwen, we can do this all the time, if you wouldn't mind sneaking around…" _

"Heck yes I would mind! Aragorn can HAVE you, you lying, unfaithful little—"

Arwen clapped a hand over Faramir's mouth to keep him from continuing, though she herself was seething over the 'hussy' comment.

Aragorn laid a hand on her other arm. "Peace, Arwen. You are no hussy."

Elladan grinned. "Yeah, you're more of the gold-digger type."

"Do you have a death wish?" she growled.

"I'm kidding!"

_That would make me the happiest man in all of Middle-Erth!" Faramir cried joyously. _

_Celeste giggled. "We'll be just like Lancelot and Gwyn…Gwen…Gweny…_

_Gwynny…Gwynevere!" _

"Who?" Gimli wondered aloud, expressing the question on everyone else's mind.

_Celeste then began to sing softly, and all his wounds healed. _

"That's really starting to buy me," Pippin grit his teeth.

"Only just starting!" Merry gaped. "Wow, I admire your tolerance!"

Eowyn let out a bitter laugh. "You're all just lucky I spared you from the gorier details—about how they…peaked…at the same time and all the feelings and descriptions that went with that. Something about how it was "like Gandalf's fireworks exploding before their eyes…" she shook her head. "That wasn't fun."

"I can imagine," Glorfindel said sympathetically, as Eowyn went and poured herself a liberal glass of wine.

"I knew this story would drive me to drink, I knew it!"


	35. We've Come Full Circle

Chapter 35: We've Come Full Circle

"Hey, well what do you know. We're back to Elladan." Eowyn smirked, instantly in a good mood.

"I thought Elrohir read first." Elladan protested, going immediately on the defensive.

"Nope, definitely you." Elrohir said quickly.

Ignoring the two twins bickering, Merry turned to Pippin. "I wonder if we can make it through a chapter without any snide comments…"

"I wouldn't hold your breath," Gimli muttered as Pippin laughed at the mere idea.

_As Leggie and Gornie and…the Dwarf and the Dead dudes had fun beating the orcs, Starr sped off to find Theoden. As unattractive as her helmet was, she placed it on her head. She wasn't going to let that stupid Eowny take all the glory. Unlike her, however, Starr's helmet looked fantastic on her._

"No cutesy little nicknames for me, I see." Gimli paused. "I can't find enough words to express my happiness about that!"

_Reaching the fallen king, she knocked Eowyn away in time to be cornered by the Witch King._

_"Fool. No man can kill me. Die now." _

_"I know you did not just call me a man!" Starr said, whipping off her helmet and stabbing him full in the face. _

"That must be a new record. In three sentences she completely and totally undermined mine and Merry's feats.

"In answer to your question, Merry," Sam began. "We cannot possibly make it through the story without being sarcastic because this story is so atrocious it's terribly hard to just sit by and stand for it."

Faramir couldn't contain a smile as he shook his head and mouthed what looked like 'Always the quiet ones'.

_She knelt by Theodne. "I know your face." He said. "You saved me, Lady Starr. Your beauty cannot be matched, and now I am eternally in your debt." _

_Starr smiled sadly and moved away, letting Eoywn handle the dying guy. _

"Stop, you're being too sentimental." Eomer rolled his eyes.

_Starr made it back in time to see Legolas take down an elephant. _

"What's an elephant?" Pippin asked, wide-eyed.

"Does she mean Oliphaunt?" Aragorn wondered.

_Not to be outdone, she turned to c anuther heading for her. With a little toss of her strawberry blonde and shiny hair, she caused a series of reactions. First, the driver was blinded by the shine and fell off. The other guys were staring at her lustily and were hit by arrows because they weren't paying attention. Then the elephant stopped short from stepping on her, and with a few soft words, she had tamed it, and used it to take out a huge number of the enemy. _

"She's a talented one, she is." Arwen shook her head.

_"Release us." The King of the Dead said. "As much as we would stay to help the lovely Lady Starr, we got your word." _

_Gimli made some stupid comment about keeping them. Leave it to Dwarves to be so greedy. _

"I'm a terrible person. Let me just go outside and hang myself." Gimli muttered scornfully.

Glorfindel could have added something quite mean, but wisely kept his big Elf mouth shut. To quote what Gimli was thinking as he glared challengingly at him.

_She felt slightly dizzy, and looked down, to see a large gash on her stomach. _

"Just a little lower, and she would never be able to procreate!" Glorfindel exclaimed.

"You've been just waiting to use that word, haven't you?" Arwen said in a pitying tone and she patted his arm.

_She sat down hard, in a nice corpse-free plot of grass. This is where Legolas found her several minutes later. His whole world came crashing down on him as he thought she was dead. _

_"Melamin!" he cried in anguish, gathering her in his arms. _

_"Huh?" she whispered. _

_"You're alive!" _

_"Duh. I was just resting." _

_"Ur hurt! I must get u to the Halls of Healing!" _

_As he ran toward the city thing, she fell asleep in his arms, feeling more peaceful than even after one of their love-making sessions._

Elladan had to double-take that one, to make sure he hadn't misread it. "Nope. There it is, in all its idiocy."

_Meanwhile in the city, an impatient Celeste awaited her King and her best friend. _

Elladan looked gleeful. "Well, that was relatively painless!" He chucked the book into Elrohir's hands and shot out of the seat.

"Oh, bully for you." Elrohir narrowed his eyes.


	36. Lame Seduction Tactics

The order of who reads may be slightly different the second time around, because I forgot the original order…

Chapter 36: Lame Seduction Tactics

_"Lesty!" _

_"Yeah, Starr-Starr?" _

_"I'm bored!" _

"Already, this starts off to be a promising literary piece of success." Elrohir muttered cynically as he took up his place.

_"Yeah, we have lots of time to kill b4 we have to go off to teh gate things and fight that battle thing." Celeste said. _

_"So, what do you want to doeth?"_

_"Well, you know…"_

_The two girls began to giggle. A servant walking by, who happened to be extremely hott, winked at them. They giggled even harder, an attractive pink blush coming to their cheeks. _

_Their skin, tan from being out in the sun so much, was shown off nicely by their pure white dresses and glittering jewelry. They looked like goddesses. _

"Well, THERE'S a new title that they've given themselves!" Gimli thundered startling the others.

_"Yes, dear friend, I realize that you would like to be with Aragorn…" Starr said with great insight._

" 'Great insight'! I could've spotted that a league off!" Glorfindel exclaimed. "It would take insight to know when they AREN'T thinking about shagging 'Leggie-dearest' and 'Gornie-hunny'!"

To the flustered Elf's surprise, everyone else burst into wild laughter instead of rallying to support him like he had hoped.

"What!" he cried out, quite distressed.

"It was…just…so…funny…to hear you…say…those…names!" Pippin managed to gasp in between his mirth.

It seemed everyone else was too incapable with laughter to voice their agreement, so they just nodded vigorously.

Five minutes later, Elrohir wiped the tears from his eyes and began to read again.

_"Yes," Celeste replied. "But he is far to busy planning that stupid battle!" _

"I mean, hey, it only decides the fate of Middle-Earth!" Eowyn mocked.

_"Aye, so is Leggie." _

_"I haveth an idea! Why don't we each help each other seduce our man!"_

"I'm an Elf." Legolas replied, his face buried in a pillow cushion, knowing exactly where this was going.

_"Oooooooo!" Starr said. "Go on!" _

_"I'll help you get Legolas in the…mood…and after (giggle) you help me with Aragorn!" _

_"Great idea! Let's do it!" _

"In the literal sense? Nooooooooooooo!" Aragorn moaned.

_Legolas was at the archery practice field, practicing his archery. _

"That was probably the most ridiculous sentence I've read in a long time." Elrohir remarked.

"They have reached a level of stupidity I usually see only in orcs and small insects." Merry narrowed his eyes.

_"Leggie!" came the beautiful cry._

_Distracted by the voice of his angel, he missed the target by a mile. _

An indignant and very un-Elf-like snort could be heard from behind the pillow where, Legolas was, for all purposes, attempting to suffocate himself.

_"Darling, you MUST help me with my painting!" Starr called again. Legolas found her in an isolated clearing, with Celeste standing next to the easel. _

_"I can't decided what to paint…" Starr sighed so sadly, Legolas felt his heart break. _

_"I have an idea! You can paint the human anatomy! …Or rather, the Elven one…" Celeste said suggestively. _

"Oh sweet Eru, she can't mean it!" Arwen shrieked.

_She turned and walked out of the clearing to the sound of Legolas's clothes coming off, and STarrs paint set clattering to the grassy floor as she leapt passionately at her Elvish lover. _

Everyone had a hard time keeping down breakfast as this image flashed in their minds.

Elrohir was frantically skimming the pages. "Please let them seduce Aragorn in the next chapter!" his face fell. "No such luck…"

Faramir rejoiced at this, being the next reader.

_An hour later—_

"Geez, at the rate they were going, I'd have predicted ten minutes." Sam griped.

This nearly knocked everyone else out of their chairs in shock.

"Samwise Gamgee, where in ARDA do you come up with this stuff!" Aragorn stuttered, looking befuddled.

Sam just gave him an innocent, wide-eyed look.

_Starr skipped over to Celeste, pink-cheeked and beaming._

_"Let's get to work on Gornie!" Celeste said, holding up a deck of cards. _

"What's that?" Eomer asked, confused.

_"Gornie! Let's play poker! Or rather, strip poker…" Celeste added quietly to Starr. "And me and u neva lose…" _

"What's 'poker'? And 'strip poker'?" Faramir questioned.

Legolas emerged from behind his pillow to comment. "I have no clue, but any phrase coming from one of their mouths and including the word 'strip' is something to beware."

_"I would love to, Angel, but I knoweth not how to play."_

_"It's simple." Starr then explained the rules. _

_"And if you lose one game, you have to take off a piece of clothing." Celeste said, fluttering her eyelashes. _

"I still don't understand how to play, but I'm positive I don't like it…" Arwen said, her fingers twitching as if yearning to wrap around Celeste's neck.

_Twenty minutes later, Aragorn had lost, and Starr retreated to let the two have some privacy. Celeste—_

Elrohir broke off and had a nice little dry heave.

"Skipping that part…" Elladan suggested.

_Celeste met up with Starr an hour later. _

Sam didn't have to say anything, yet they were all reminded of his earlier comment.

_"That was sooo much fun!" _

"Yeah, I bet." Eowyn muttered bitterly.

_"We should do this a lot more after we win this battle and the Ring is destroyed!" Starr said. _

_"Definitely."_

"Oops!" Pippin said in a high-pitched and mocking voice. "We weren't supposed to like, reveal that!" he giggled, then made a look of disgust, his voice back to normal. "Talking like that, you can just FEEL your brain cells begin to degenerate and turn to mush."

_"Of course, like, by then, Gornie and Leggie won't have any other stupid battles to, like, worry bout, and we can do that and plan our weddings!" Starr said. _

"This moment has haunted my thoughts and dreams…" Aragorn said, staring out into nothingness with a ghostly look in his eye. There was silence for a long time as this evil hung over the room in dark anticipation.

_The two girls squealed. _

"…and thus shattered the ear drums of everyone in a twenty-league radius…" Faramir added, deadpan.

_"We can have a double wedding with doves and roses of every possible color!" Celeste said. _

_"And a huge cake and millions of presents from our adoring legions!" Starr said. _

_"And beautiful white dresses and gorgeous jewelry!"_

_"With bridesmaids that aren't as pretty as we are!" _

_The two girls laughed. _

_"Right, as if that is possible!"_

Eowyn stared at the book in complete disbelief.

"They have real issues." Merry muttered, shaking his head. _  
_

"Is it possible for someone to be THAT vain and self-absorbed!" Eowyn gaped, finally voicing the cause of her disbelief.

"Apparently so." Gimli growled.

_"We are going to have the most beautiful wedding on Earth!" Starr said._

"Where's 'Earth'? Did she leave out the Middle or something?" Pippin said, glancing around at the other confused faces.

_"It's only fit for the two most beautiful women in all of Middle-Earth!" Celeste said. _

"I hope this stupidity isn't contagious…" Elladan mumbled, pretending to look worried.

_"Do you think we should have Arwen as a bridesmaid? Because she lost Gornie and everything?" Starr said. _

_"Well," said Celeste. "We certainly won't have to worry about her being more beautiful than us!" _

_And they ran off to find Arwn. _

"If they think they are prettier than either Lady Arwen OR Lady Eowyn, they are seriously delusional." Sam said, blatantly.

Arwen and Eowyn blushed and hugged Sam.

"Rosie is a very lucky girl." Eowyn smiled.

Now it was Sam's turn to redden.

_Legolas and Aragorn watched the two girls from a window. _

_"Are they not the most beautiful women you have ever seeneth?" Legolas said lovingly. _

_"Indeed, none can compareth." Aragorn agreed. _

"This chapter just keeps going and going, no end in sight." Arwen stated, eyeing her brother's frazzled expression and glazed eyes nervously.

Elladan put a comforting hand on Elrohir's shoulder and whispered under his breath something that sounded suspiciously like an Elvish prayer.

_"We are very lucky." _

_"Indeed we are, my friend." _

"My friend!" Aragorn teased, clapping Legolas on the back so that he dropped his cushion.

The Elf shot him a dark glare. "Yes, my friend?" he questioned through clenched teeth.

Aragorn paused. "…Nothing, I just felt like doing that!"

_To b continued…_

Elrohir let out a cry of relief that lapsed into insane laughter, and Arwen dragged him off to the kitchen, hoping that something in his stomach would calm his nerves.

Eleven pairs of concerned eyes followed them to the door. Elrohir was mumbling something inaudible, even to Elf ears, under his breath with a crazed look in his eye.

Faramir let out a gulp as he stared at the book on the floor. It seemed to taunt him with the silvery laughter of a Sue.

"We are so doomed." Eomer muttered.

TBC…


	37. Making a Break For It

Chapter 37: Making a Break For It and Painful Honesty

Faramir was the next victim. He took up his place in the chair feeling pressure on all sides. He had not quite recovered from his previous reading experience. He felt the dread of what lay on the pages before him. There was also the pressure inflicted by the steely glares of Eowyn, when she thought he wasn't paying attention. Those chilled him to the bone.

"Yes…well…" Faramir cleared his throat, suddenly feeling very claustrophobic. "I…I believe I left the fire on back in my room!" he said quickly, lurching towards the door.

Aragorn grabbed him and hauled him back, whispering words of encouragement in his ear.

Gimli was not quite so helpful. "First off, if you did indeed 'leave the fire on', this castle will have already burned down by now, and we would have noticed it, so what's your rush? And second, has this story really reduced the pride of Gondor to a sniveling excuse-maker?"

Faramir winced. "Must you be so painfully honest?"

Eomer was looking mad. Faramir had just shut the door on his 'I think I left the fire on back in Rohan' excuse. Now he was trapped until he could think up another one. And in this atmosphere of idiocy, thinking seemed to be impossible.

It did the trick, for Faramir sat down and took it like a man.

_Starr twirled her silky hair around her finger as Ganadalf talked on, with no end in sight. Her eyes turned a gorgeously-sophisticated grey color. Celeste, who was next to her, gave a very soft sigh of boredum._

"_Tis a very uninteresting conversation, isn't iteth?" _

"_Aye, mellon." _

"_Let him stay there. Let him rot. Why should we care?" Gimli puffed. _

_Starr rolled hur eyes at the stupidity of dwarves. "Because ten thousand orcs now stand between Frodo and Mount Doom." _

While all the others looked indignant at this insult to Gimli, Faramir couldn't help but wear a small and barely noticeable smile, for he was still smarting from that early comment.

"I may not have been there, but I'm quite sure she did not think up that comeback on her own. Who did she steal it from?" Sam asked.

"Gandalf." Merry answered.

"Thought so."

"_Not for ourselves. But we can give Frodo his chance if we keep Sauron's Eye fixed upon us. Keep him blind to all else that moves." Aragorn said. _

"_A diversion…" Legolas said. _

_Starr and Celeste exchanged a long look as if to say 'Look how hott our men are!1!' _

"Correction. Look how hot MY man is. And Legolas…well, you can have him." Arwen smirked.

"HEY!" Legolas exclaimed, looking stricken. "You'd abandon me to these she-wolves!"

_Later on that knight, Aragorn beckoned to Celeste and Starr. "I have something I must do, and I need ur help." _

_The two beautiful girls glanced at each uther knowingly and followed quietly. _

Glorfindel let out a loud groan, having an excellent idea of what was going to happen.

_Aragorn grabbed the Paluntir. "Long have you hunted me. Long have I eluded you. No more." He pointed over his shoulder to the two girls behind him. "Behold, the daughters of the modern world." _

_Saron's eye seared into Starr and Celeste, yet their power was too great, and he couldn't get any info from them. At last he gave up. _

_When Aragorn turned to the girls, both looked shaken. _

_"I saw my Ada…" Starr said. "He was in such a depression at no longer being graced with my company that he is on the verge of insanity." _

Legolas shuddered. "I know nothing of being depressed at no longer being around her…I find that the opposite is true."

_"I saw the world…" Celeste said. "It was missing the beauty that was gone when we came here." _

Pippin made a derisive snort and rolled his eyes.

_As the others made their way to war, poor Faramir was rudely interrupted by that silly Eowyn. _

Faramir twitched, knowing the severe rebuke that was coming. Maybe not to him personally, but if the book had an anger sensor, it would be bursting into flames any second now.

"It just so happens that HE was the one who came over to me." Eowyn said in a low and dangerous tone.

Elladan peered over Faramir's shoulder. "Well, on a good note, she spelled your name right…"

"_The city has fallen silent. There is no warmth left in the sun. It grows so cold." She said dully. _

"_It's just the damp of the first spring rain. I do not believe this darkness will endure." Faramir said poetically. _

_The slimy wench snaked her greasy hand into his and rested on his shoulder. Being the gentleman that he was, Faramir could not run off to take a long bath and scrub his hands as he so wished. _

"Someone's Faramir fangirl instincts are kicking in," Elrohir mumbled amusedly.

_As they rode, Starr remembered this scene and hung her head in pity for the poor man. _

"Oh, everyone's a cynic!" Eowyn huffed.

"Yes, and yet they hang all over Legolas and myself and give explicit details of their…private lives…" Aragorn said, unsure of how to word the horror that is NC-17 scenes.

"Well, naturally, because Sues are exempt from their own preaching!" Arwen said sarcastically.

Merry made a face. "I thought I had seen everything, but this is the first case of my viewing someone with an ego the size of an oliphaunt."

"With an intelligence level directly the opposite?" Eowyn smirked.

TBC….


	38. The Mouth of Sauron Meets the Sues

Chapter 38: The Mouth of Sauron Meets the Sues

Faramir looked like he really needed a hug once he finished.

"Are you all right, Faramir?" Eowyn ventured cautiously. "It's over now."

"U r sooo rite."

It was like an explosion, to hear this idiotic sentence come from the mouth of the Captain of Gondor. It caused a chain reaction of events and plenty of screaming (mostly on Faramir's part at the horror of discovering he had uttered such a phrase) that could probably have been heard in Mirkwood.

Indeed, witnesses have reported hearing a strange echo, and that King Thranduil looked up from his work to listen. When questioned on what he thought it was, the king shook his head and muttered something about 'Legolas' and 'tortured'.

"GET THIS MAN SOME WATER!" Aragorn roared. Eowyn looked ready to cry at the low that this book had caused her husband to sink to. Arwen took her hand and tried to comfort her.

A very bewildered-looking young servant hurried in with a pitcher of water, which Eomer seized and promptly threw right in the face of Faramir.

Now, had he not been so frantic, that could be taken to mean that he threw the WATER in Faramir's face. But seeing as how he was shaken up, he threw the water, PITCHER and all, in Faramir's face.

So now he had on his hands an unconscious Faramir, and Eowyn hollering like a banshee at his mistake.

"YOU IDIOT! YOU JUST KNOCKED HIM OUT!" she flipped out at him.

Elladan and Elrohir were having a hard time keeping in their laughter, and taking one look at the wide-eyed looks of the three hobbits, they fell to the ground, incapable with laughter.

Eowyn whirled on them. "HOW IS THIS FUNNY!"

Gimli nudged the broken shards of the pitcher with his boot-clad foot. "Well, if you think about it, it was pretty amusing…He never could have seen that coming…"

Legolas glanced over at the shards and winced. "For Eru's sake, Eomer, you either threw it very hard, or Faramir has a really hard head…"

Pippin managed to pick his jaw up off the floor to find another glass of water, and spill it on the unconscious man's face to revive him. He set the glass gently down on a nearby table. Despite his carefulness, the sound echoed throughout the dead silent room.

"See?" Merry piped up suddenly. "That wasn't so hard, now was it? No need to get violent…"

Faramir slowly began to come to. Elladan and Elrohir were finally able to get up off the floor and breathe again, to a stern look from their sister.

Glorfindel shook his head. "It seems someone's over-protectiveness of their sister is kicking in."

Eomer glared at him. "What do you mean by that?"

"You just knocked out her husband. Coincidence? I think not."

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up Elf Boy. But I believe it is your turn to read."

Glorfindel stopped and looked slowly at the others. They all nodded. He sighed dejectedly. "This is just not my day."

Sam, at this point, was getting nervous, for it was his turn next. If they wanted to drag this on by being so melodramatic, that was fine with him.

_"And who is this? Isildur's heir? It takes more to make a king than a broken Elvish blade." The disgusting and crude Mouth of Sauron said. _

_Oddly enough, after meeting Arwen and Eowyn, Celeste and Starr were fully prepared for any horror they came upon. _

"Then I caution you never to look in the mirror." Arwen said hotly.

_Then the disgusting creature caught site of the 2 girls. "Ay, nay! Tis not true!"_

"Smart Mouth of Sauron. He knows a Sue when he sees one." Sam smiled.

"Since when was he so polite with the way he spoke?" Legolas raised his eyebrows.

"Ah, you see, my dear Prince," Elrohir started. "Their unhealthily-shiny hair and unnaturally loud chests command the utmost respect!"

_Starr rolled her eyez. She had sum things to tell this luser. _

"Oh, she's going to tell him off now!" Elladan muttered cynically.

"This should be good." Eowyn grinned, rather viciously.

_"First of all, get a better dental plan!" _

Questioning looks.

"I believe she is referring to the state of his teeth," Aragorn proposed.

_"Second of all, u r totally lying about Frodo cuz I know he can do it! So there!" _

Everyone was silent, waiting for the rest of the repartee, but it never came.

"See, now, had that little speech been a few lines longer and written INTELLIGENTLY, that probably would have been a witty and stinging retort." Eomer said. now recovering his ability to talk.

_Starr got a round of applause at this, and a cheer from the army behind herr. The mouth of Saron hung his head in shame. _

"You humiliated me! Curse you!" Faramir mocked, shaking his fist and baring his teeth in order to appear more like the Mouth. He had now recovering his ability to talk.

Eomer stared at him. He was not alone. "I think I hit you on the head too hard."

"You think?"

_Aragorn, regaining his courage, chopped off the creature's head. _

_"I guess that concludes negotiations," Celeste giggled, batting her eyelashes. _

"LINE-STEALER!" Pippin and Gimli yelled in unison.

"_I don't believe it. I won't. Starr and Celeste have given me new hope! Praise them!" Aragorn cried gratefully. _

_They blushed n winked at Aragorn. _

"Tee hee." Faramir grinned, having to get his mockery in. However, it was still very weird to hear that from one of the manly men of Gondor, so the others stared at him like he was crazy.

"Have you gone nutters?" Merry asked frankly.

"It's entirely possible."

Eowyn rounded on her brother. "You've drove my spouse into insanity!"

"It's not my fault! It…slipped!" Eomer said decisively, finding an excuse and sticking to it.

The servant in the room who was cleaning up the shards gave a barely audible snort, and then clapped a hand over her mouth in horror, unable to believe she'd actually done that, before hurrying out.

Arwen smirked. "I guess that is proof enough of the flimsiness of that excuse."

_Teh orcs came out, and there was a LOT of dem. Aragorn saw the men panicking, so he gave a speech, then had Starr and Celeste give one to, cuz they r sooo good at that. _

_Then the battle began. _

_"For Frodo." _

"Those last two lines could PASS for quality writing, but that's kinda sad," Elrohir commented. "That out of this whole chapter—no, this whole STORY—that those were the only lines worth reading…"

"Well, I personally never had any high hopes for this story, so I have in no way been disappointed. Disgusted, maybe, but not disappointed…" Gimli disclosed.

" 'Disgusted' does not even BEGIN to cover it." Legolas answered.

TBC…


	39. Convos and Plotting

Chapter 39: Convos and Plotting

All eyes shifted to the now-extremely-distraught Samwise.

"You wouldn't make a naïve, easily-corrupted, and innocent Hobbit like me read this travesty, would you?"

Glorfindel held out the book.

"Never mind, you would." Sam muttered darkly.

_Teh battle commenced at once. Starr and Celeste lept into battle wit the others. Even tho they weren't in the movies, they fit in rite away. They fought smoothly and fluidly, taking out lots and lots of nasty orcs. _

_They were so good, they were able to keep up a convo while fighting. _

_"Weahter's nice, huh?" _

_"Sure is!" _

_Legolas and Aragorn exchanged grins at how funny their women were. _

The room fell silent. Then…

"WHO IS WRITING THIS NONSENSE?"

_The good guys were winning, and everyone was happy. But then something bad happened. The Nazguls fly down from out of nowhere and were about to attack the good guys. _

_Celeste let out a sweet whistle, to rival the music of any being on Middle Earth. Except Starr. _

_Celeste nudged Pip and pointed. _

_He noticed, tho a little slow on the uptake. _

"Yes, I'm horribly idiotic, I have a hard time noticing giant flying birds unless someone points them out. I'd just go on and on, never seeing them. I wouldn't know they were there even if they swooped down right on top of me—"

Merry put a hand over Pippin's mouth to end his ranting.

_"Eagles! The eagles are coming!" _

_Starr, no longer concerned about the stoopid Nazgul, decided to aid in the plight of Frodo. Due to her brilliant intelligence, she knew that he had just had his finger bitten off. She began to sing, the wind carrying her voice into Mount Doom. _

"I'm sure the lighting was also perfectly illuminating her perfectly tan skin and shiny hair," Elrohir scowled.

"Forget the gory battle and death surrounding her. SHE looks good, what else matters?" Arwen muttered.

"_When the visions around you,_

_  
Bring tears to your eyes_

_  
And all that surround you,_

_  
Are secrets and lies_

_  
I'll be your strength,_

_  
I'll give you hope,_

_  
Keeping your faith when it's gone_

_  
The one you should call,_

_  
Was standing here all along.._

_  
And I will take_

_  
You in my arms_

_  
And hold you right where you belong_

_  
Till the day my life is through_

_  
This I promise you_

_  
This I promise you" _

"What a touching song. At least she didn't steal another one of mine." Pippin blurted out.

_In Mount Doom, Frodo looked up at the sweet sound filling his ears. New strength filled him and he ran over to Golum and gave him a hard shove. The ugly creature fell into the lava and the Ring wuz destroyed. _

Aragorn let out a forlorn sigh. "There go all our hopes of at least ONE of them 'accidentally' falling into Mount Doom and being incinerated in a fiery death…"

"Pity." Legolas agreed, shaking his head.

"I was so looking forward to that too…" Eowyn lamented.

"We could always push them off Minas Tirith during Aragorn's coronation…" Eomer suggested.

"Yeah!" Sam said, getting into the spirit of things. "And with all the crowds, we could make it look like an accident!"

"I like the way you think!" Gimli chuckled.

_Oh no! Sauron stayed alive, even tho the ring had been destroyed! _

_All the good guys felt the bitter despair. _

_"We will not allow this!" Celeste yelled suddenly. She and Starr stepped forward and suddenly each sprouted a pair of silvery feathery angel wings. "We, teh maidens of the distant lands, will destroy you!" Starr added._

Legolas groaned at the stupidity along with the others. Yet he was secretly hoping that maybe the Sues so-called brave attempts might result in their death. He'd sooner take on Sauron on his own than spend any time with one of them. He really wasn't alone in his sentiments, so the secrecy of his thoughts wasn't entirely necessary. It probably showed a lot more than he thought, however, for there was a momentary pause in the reading as everyone stopped to stare at him twisting the pillow as if longing to do the same thing to the necks of a certain two girls.

Ordinarily, the others would have assumed that he had finally lost his mind, but now, under these circumstances, they understood perfectly.

_Beams of light began to flash from the girls, and soon Sauron's tower crumbled. Starr and Celeste high-fived and then paled, before fainting. _

_"Frodo! Frodo! Starr!" Merry cheered._

"I would never cheer for those wenches!" he practically hissed. Then an evil grin spread over his face. "Unless they were heading towards a slow and painful death."

In a moment of scary-Hobbit-deja-vu, the sound of all the chairs scooting away filled the quiet room.

_But once they saw the girls falling to the ground, the men burst out crying, thinking the girlz had sacrificed themselfs. Aragorn and Legolas ran forward and caught the girls. _

_"They've only fainted." Legolas said, whispering sweet Elvish nothings into Starr's delicate ears. _

_"Gornie-munchkin…" Celeste mumbled in her sleep. Aragorn laughed loudly and pressed a kiss to her forehead. _

The real Aragorn began to rub furiously at his lips, as if the mere idea disgusted him.

_ Gandalf left 2 find Frodo and Samwize. Aragorn and Legolas started to head back. _

_Suddenly several tears fell from unda Starr's closed lids, and sparkles spread all over the battle field. The good guys who were killed came back to life, and the nasties were all destroyed. _

_"It's a miracle from an angel…" Legolas whispered, brushing an strawberry blonde hair off of his love's face. _

Faramir laughed loudly at this, then stopped. "Oh. That wasn't a joke."

TBC…

I apologize for this bad chapter. I seem to be dead-to-the-world today. Anyway. We are approaching the end. Not quite yet, but soon. At least five more chapters, if not more. Oh, by the way, that song was 'This I Promise You' by N'SYNC, in case anyone was wondering.


	40. Aack! The Illiteracy! It Burns!

Chapter 40: Aack! The Illiteracy! It Burns!

Merry braced himself against his chair, as if contemplating whether or not to simply refuse to read. Realizing he was just one Hobbit against a room full of people all equally intent on not reading, he did the wise thing and shifted sullenly to the seat of doom.

Pippin began to laugh slightly, until Merry glared at him and said, "I'll remember that, when you're reading the next chapter."

Pippin fell silent.

_Starr saw only blackness. Her world was dark. Nothing could b seen. _

_'I can't c anything!' Starr thought in despair. _

"Open your eyes, you silly twit!" Arwen muttered.

_She slowly came too, finding a pair of cerulean orbs staring concernedly at her. It was just like that moment sooooo long ago when she woke up in Rivendell. _

_"Legolas?" she said. _

_"Yes, melamin." He said. _

"Why don't you just skip this part, it's obviously we're going to be getting it on very soon…" Legolas groaned.

"So paranoid." Elrohir and Elladan chorused.

"Well!" Legolas exploded. "At least you two don't ever have to worry about being mentioned! For, apparently, they have no idea you even exist!"

"Which is lucky…" Eowyn mused. "Think of the possible love triangles!"

"Huh?" Glorfindel questioned.

"I can see it now…" Faramir said, adopting a high-pitched and giggly voice. "Oh Elrohir, I thought you were your brother!"

Eomer jumped in. " 'Oh well, I'll shag you both!'"

"I see your point…" Elladan frowned, as Elrohir silently thanked the Valar that the Sues were clueless. He wasn't very secretive about it, for his eyes were raised to the ceiling and he appeared to be chanting 'Hannon lle, hannon lle, hannon lle' without making a sound.

Sam appeared to be fighting a severe case of the heebie-jeebies. He twitched slightly, unable to prevent the nasty images in his head.

Aragorn turned to Glorfindel. "You got lucky too. And Eomer was pretty fortunate."

"Ahem." Merry cleared his throat.

Everyone continued talking.

"aHEM."

Still talking.

"AHEM."

Still talking.

"AHEM AHEM AHEM AHEM!"

Dead. Silence.

"Thank you."

_Celeste came in, fully recovered, and jumped onto Starr's bed. Aragorn followed soon after. The two girls began to jump around having a pillow fight. The feathers swrling around made them look lyke angels. And they were! _

_Mary _(Merry snorted.) _and Pippin came running in and placed crowns of flowers on the girls' heads before joining them. Gornie and Leggie joined too, and here came Frodo and…that fat hobbit, what was his name? He was cute tho. _

"I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered…" Sam mumbled.

"But insulted. Always, when it comes to Starr." Pippin responded.

_Soon all the Fellowship and it's two saviors was bouncin on the bedd. Cept Gim Gim, he might've broke it. _

"GIM GIM!" roared Gimli in consternation.

Legolas fell out of his chair, incapable with laughter.

_The nxt day wuz Aragorn's coronation…_

"Oh this should be good." Arwen scoffed.

_Aragorn walked down the pathway after being crowned. _

"Well, I really should of expected it, but…I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE SKIPPED GANDALF'S SPEECH AND ARAGORN'S SONG!" Faramir shouted.

_He had Gimli next to him to make him look even hotter. And Starr was on the uther side, looking radiantly beautiful, her hair in an intricate style, with—_

"This goes on for pages, so I'm skipping it." Merry informed the others. He got no complaints.

_She saw Eowny and Fary, and she felt really bad for the poor guy. _

_They reached the Elves and Legolas took Starr's arm and—_

"RIPPED IT FROM IT'S SOCKET!" Legolas screamed suddenly.

Merry jumped and stared worriedly at him.

"Hey, I can hope."

_And they stood off to the side. Then, oh no! Arwen stepped forward, looking repulsive! _

_"Begone, golddigger! I have found my soul mate!" _

_And Celeste stepped forward, in pure white, looking like a goddess. Her hair was swept back and pinned with exotic wildflowers. She was an angel. _

"Yes, so we've heard." Sam said dryly.

_"I have chosen Celeste to be my wife and queen." Aragorn said. Arwen ran off blubbering and even Elrodn didn't blame Aragorn for picking Celeste. _

Arwen kept her mouth shut tight, fearing what would come out if she opened it. She would not be responsible for her words.

_Aragorn produced a beautiful crown. _

_Then Leggie got down on his knees in front of Starr. _

_"And I, Legolas of Mirkwood, have found my soul mate. I would travel to the depths of the sea, to the peaks of Caradrs for you. I love you, Starr. Be my wife." _

_And he slid a huge diamond ring on her finger as she cried and said yes. _

"Ha! Keep dreaming!" Came a voice. "I would never let my son marry into such evil!" Everyone looked up to see Haldir and Thranduil in the doorway. They hesitated to enter, as if regretting they had come.

Legolas looked put out. "Why did you leave me?"

"I…uh…went for reinforcements?"

"Uh huh, yeah sure."

"We came back for the finale!" Haldir announced.

"Yes, we can only imagine what will happen!" Thranduil contributed.

"Well, we can look forward to a wedding or two, that's for sure!" Eowyn said.

"And if you thought it was racy before!" Eomer let out a low whistle. "Now they don't have any 'stupid pointless battles' to interfere!"

TBC…


	41. Wedding Dress and Meeting Future InLaws

I'm going on vacation for a week, so I won't be able to update till next weekend. I hope this chapter makes up for it. It's very long.

Chapter 41: Wedding Dresses and Meeting Future In-Laws

Pippin suddenly leapt from his chair. "Ah! Ah! Newcomers read! They read!"

Haldir was about to protest, being that they had been there before, but Legolas realized what a good punishment for his father this was, and voiced his assent. Soon everyone joined in.

Thranduil turned to Haldir pointedly. "I've got seniority and superiority. You read first."

Haldir gave him a sour look.

_Interlude, Aragorn. _

"One of these was bound to show up, I knew it." Aragorn scowled.

_Starr and Celeste r the most beautiful girls in the whooole world. _

"Yes, I do believe that opinion has been stated repetitively and we have been reminded of it at least five times each chapter." Thranduil smirked.

Gimli shook his head, muttering something about 'poncy Elves' and the fact that Thranduil had read all of two chapters and really shouldn't complain.

The King heard, but chose not to say anything. He could sense the last of the sanity in this room go marching out the door, and he didn't want an angry Dwarf on his hands.

_Our wedding is being planned rite now. We're having a double wedding, with lots of pink and white and flowers and cake and—_

Haldir broke, for, unlike the pansy-book-Aragorn, he actually had to breathe and could not say all that in one breath

_--And doves and ribbons and sparkles and guests and dresses and jewels and presents and clouds and puppies and rainbows and—_

"ALRIGHT ALREADY!" the others screamed.

_Starr and Legolas r journeying 2 Mirkwood so she can meet Leggie's Aba. _

" 'Leggie's' what!" Glorfindel questioned.

Elladan held in a snicker. "I think she means 'Ada.'"

"It's really not that hard of a word…" Elrohir murmured piteously. "Only three letters."

"So she's going to meet my father…" Legolas mused, suddenly acquiring a devilish smile. "I insist that you skip no scenes, as racy as they are." He smiled sweetly at his father. "Payback."

"What, do you hate me or something?"

"No, I just currently enjoy seeing you suffer."

"Ah."

_With Leggie and Starr…_

_Thrandiul bowed to Starr and hugged his son. He was hot, just like Leggie, so Starr knew that was where his good looks come from._

"Hmmm…" Eomer began. "Obviously the place the author is getting her information from has no descriptions of Thranduil and she is just vaguely aware of his name."

"That would be why she could offer no other details of his appearance other than his 'hotness'." Faramir said, catching on.

"Oh, this should be good." Sam mumbled, shrinking down into his chair.

Merry was looking around. "Say, where did Eowyn and Arwen go?"

"They've escaped!" Pippin gasped.

"Lucky." Legolas whispered.

Suddenly the door burst open and everyone looked up, expecting to see Arwen and Eowyn. Instead, a horrible, horrible sight met their eyes.

Two girls did indeed stand in the doorway, but not the ones hoped for. Instead, there was a girl with long blonde hair and one with strawberry blonde. Both had excessive amounts of makeup and abnormally large chests.

There was a very heavy silence over the room, and then…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Once the initial shock wore off…it gave way to panic.

Merry, Pippin, and Sam were running around the room screaming, overturning chairs in their wake. Legolas and Aragorn were both cowering underneath their chairs, while Elladan and Elrohir, for all purposes, had leapt onto the bookcase. Gimli, Faramir, and Eomer had backed into respective corners, brandishing whatever weapons they had to prevent the Sues from coming near them. Haldir and Thranduil were…hugging…each other tightly with matching 'Save Me!' looks on their faces. Glorfindel proceeded to run around yelling with Hobbits, until he accidentally turned and ran smack into a wall.

The two girls suddenly began to laugh. Laugh at the others, scared out of their minds, and at the unconscious Glorfindel.

They suddenly pulled off their wigs to reveal Arwen and Eowyn, not Starr and Celeste as previously supposed.

At the completely-astonished looks on their faces, Arwen and Eowyn fell to the floor, incapable with insane laughter. They began to pull the fabric out of their shirts that they had stuffed in there to create the illusion of grossly-big chests, and wiped off all their makeup.

"Oh, that was mean." Pippin whimpered from the floor, having just tripped over one of the chairs he had knocked down.

"We WILL have revenge, you do realize this?" Aragorn said, narrowing his eyes.

"Yeah, in the meantime, someone help me revive this idiot." Thranduil said, fanning Glorfindel.

"Okay," Merry agreed. "But if we throw water on him, make sure someone other than EOMER does it." He grinned as Eomer scowled at him.

"Ha ha. Valar, you knock out ONE GUY with a water pitcher and NOBODY will let you live it down!"

Once Glorfindel had been successfully revived, everyone settled back down to continue reading.

_"Tis such a pleazure to meet such a beyootiful woman." Thranduil said. _

"Oh, and here comes the incest!" Legolas rolled his eyes.

_Later that night, Starr and Leggie and Thrandy were in the study, when…_

Haldir suddenly stopped and his eyes bugged out significantly. "Oh, no…no…anything but that…"

Gimli gave him a bored look. "Yeah, we're used to it by now. So, does she get it on with 'Leggie' or 'Thrandy'?"

Haldir looked up from the book with a sickened expression and mumbled something inaudible.

"What was that?" Elrohir pressed.

"Both."

There was another long silence as everyone tried to comprehend this.

"Excuse me,…'both'?" Pippin asked, very slowly.

"You heard me."

"But how…?" Merry gulped.

Legolas and Thranduil glanced at each other, and turned away with identical looks of horror. "EWWWW!"

"My own FATHER!" Legolas shuddered uncontrollably.

"There has to be LAWS against this sort of thing!" Thranduil said in disgust, glancing into the bathroom window, which, to his dismay, he saw barred shut.

_Meanwhile, Celeste was picking out the wedding dreses. Cuz she and Starr like, liked the same kinds of clothes, she would pick out both. _

_To b nice, she took along the fashion-challenged Arwen and greasy Eowyn (to get her out of Fary's hair). _

_"Isn't a weding dres supposed to be white?" Arwen said. _

_Celeste held up a pink one. "Yeah, but Starr's is gunna be white cuz she looks like even more gorgeous than usual in it. And pink's my favorite color so STFU! Besides, it has to match my nails!" she held up her perfectly manicured hand with neon pink nail polish on it. _

"She paints her nails? Neon pink at that?" Faramir asked incredulously.

_"U are soooo stylish," Eowny said in aww. _

_Celeste just smiled sunnily and made dem carry all the boxes and bags. She couldn't risk throwing out her back bfore her wedding. That is saved for da honeymoon! (wink wink) _

"Um, ew." Eowyn shook her head.

"Well, knowing them…" Faramir trailed off.

"I know, but she didn't have to say it."

"Of COURSE she had to."

"Bragging rights?"

"Mmhmm."

"I still think it's gross."

_Starr and Leggie returned later that day. _

_Both girls had something on their minds that worried them. _

_"What happens after we die?" Starr said. _

"We throw a bloody big party and celebrate?" Sam offered.

"Yeah, that about sums it up." Elladan agreed.

_"Yeah, poor Leggie and Gornie will probably die of heart aches!" _

_Just then the faerie appeared. "I have heard your problemo and know how to fix it. I will turn both of you into Elves. That way you can live forever and then go to the Undying Landz." _

"Huh? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Aragorn cried out.

"Relax, maybe the ship will sink, or they'll be attacked by a renegade band of orcs on the way." Eomer offered.

"Yeah!" Glorfindel agreed. "Besides, I think we should rule 'old age' out of ways we hope they will die."

"It WOULD take too long." Pippin concurred.

_"Yay!" Starr and Celeste said after the tranzfromation was complete. "We're Elves!1" _

"Funny, I thought they were already better than Elves." Gimli remarked dryly, earning several glares from the Elves in the room.

The same servant from the earlier water-pitcher-incident happened to be in the room, fixing the chairs. She looked up. "Yes, but it is very common for Mary Sues to turn into Elves because it's just that much more exotic, and allows them to be immortal, even though they possess the ability to come back from the dead."

She finished her work and walked out of the room, leaving fifteen startled individuals.

_They found there men, who began to proclaim how beautiful they looked, even more than usual. The ppl of Gondor built them a temple and began regular worship each day._

"And, sadly enough, I knew that this would one day happen." Arwen exhaled.

_"Hey, now we can go to the Undying lands and b goddesses there!" Celeste squealed. _

_Aragorn sighed, very depressed. "How I wish that I could join you, to see your splendor." _

_"Well, as knowledgable as we are, we don't know what happens to you, so why don't you just come with us? Frodo and Gandalf will be." Starr said._

Most everyone in the room could think up SOME reason why this was not feasible, but they all opted to just stare at the book and marvel at its stupidity.

_"Yes! Then I can be with you forever!" Aragorn said, very happy. _

"I'm so bipolar today, am I not?" Aragorn grinned.

Thranduil had just begun to recover from his utter shock of his previous escapade with Starr. His eyes started to lose their glazed appearance and he stopped shaking. Legolas was still a little further behind in his recovery, having been previously and horribly scarred worse than his father.

_Arwen suddenly felt very stupid, like she should. She was now stuck in Mddle- Erth and would grow old and die. No one was sad. Faramir was already plotting how to get rid of Eowny, to give him more time with Celeste. _

_Eomer and Starr had begun to sneak around together every once in a while, cuz he was cute too._

Both Eowyn and Legolas turned to Eomer with Cheshire-Cat, 'Ha-ha-you're-being-corrupted-too' grins.

_Both girls told their soon-to-be-husbands, who didn't mind at all. And some nights they had a six-way. _

There was a sudden group-shudder as that little gem of an idea produced a whole new brand of images in their heads.

_The cute hobbits dropped in and joined every once in a while, because all four were sooooooooo cute! _

"Yes, we have established this." Gimli whispered to Elladan, eyeing the looks of horror on Sam and Merry's faces, and the look of horrific reminiscing on Pippin's face.

_And Frodo is so angsty! SUCH a turn on! _

_So everyone was happy, cept Arwen and Eowyn, which no one cared about. But Fary was kinda sad, so Celeste and Starr made sure to look for wayz to get Ewyn out of the picture. Maybe push her down a flight of stairs…_

"And once I recover—because I would refuse to die—I'd make sure to chop off all your hair, break all your nails, and...oh, disembowel you!"

"Don't forget scratch their eyes out; that would be fun!" Arwen contributed.

_And Mddle-Earyth had a very peaceful period, and everyone was excited fo the upcoming wedding. It was gunna be the best wedding ever! Wit the most beyootiful brides ever! _

"Not to mention the raciest honeymoons (that will most likely be described in FULL detail and will most likely coincide in a very sickening way) ever!" Glorfindel muttered.

"Oh gee, there's something to look forward too." Elrohir said sarcastically.

"Yeah, I can hardly wait." Eowyn sighed.

TBC…


	42. The Wedding From Mordor

Chapter 42: The Wedding from Mordor

Haldir just barely managed to suppress a smug smirk as he handed the book to Thranduil. His triumph was the only thing keeping him from going absolutely bloody insane.

Thranduil took the book with a sinking feeling. The dreaded wedding, and HE was reading it! He hoped they saved the honeymoon for the next chapter. Pippin seemed to read his mind and proceeded to glare at the Elf.

_The day wuz gorgeous and sunny, of course. Even the Valarr were excited for this wedding. _

"Oh I'm so sure." Eowyn rolled her eyes.

"More like they couldn't wait to smite them to the ground…" Gimli smirked.

_The blue sky, the bluest blue in the history of blue skies ever seen was no match for the blue-violet-green-hazel of Starr's eyes. _

_Celeste's gown was of the purest pink, to accent her golden hair that had been curled and swayed in da breeze. _

_Legolas and Aragorn looked hawt. _

"Woah, big surprise there," Arwen mumbled.

_There were hundreds of guests, and each brought a present. But we'll save recording the gifts for later. _

"Please tell me she does not mean she is going to name every single gift." Merry said, looking slightly short of horrified. Pippin looked about two seconds away from running screaming off of the balcony.

_The wedding was in a big field of all different kinds of flowers. The seats were covered with garlandz of flowers and the aisle was a red carpet. Arry and Lego _("Oh, our names are more formal now, Aragorn!" Legolas said shrilly.) _waited sorta impatiently for their brides. _

_Suddnely the music started up and a thousand pure white doves were released into the air._

" 'And lyke were totally shot down by sum hott and shirtless Elvin archers for dinner that nyght!'"

"ELLADAN!"

_The orchestra began a sweet melody and the sun seemed to shine brighter. Arwen and Eowyn came down the aisle and it darkened and everyone pointed and laughed. Then came the brides…_

_They were absolutely gorgeous, stunning, breath-taking, and beautiful. Leggie almost fainted with happiness. _

_They made their way down the aisle with flower petals and ribbons swirling around them. _

_The priest said all that stuff, then all four said together, "I do." _

"The reception should be excellent." Elrohir said with barely-contained sarcasm.

_Starr stood as everyone got seeted in the hall of their reception. _

_"I have an announcement to make." She said. Everyone sat up straight and paid attention, extremely captivated and interested. _

_Starr smiled at Leggie. "I am very proud to say that nine months from now their will be an addition to our new family." _

_Legolas jumped up and kissed her, as everyone broke into applause and tears of joy. _

Meanwhile, back in REALITY, it couldn't have been more quiet.

Finally, Eomer broke the silence. "Well, we should've expected this, right? I mean, they have done it, what, sixty times? It was bound to happen."

Legolas was looking positively revolted at the thought. His father was glaring at the page as if hoping to burn those words right out of the book.

_Elrond stood up too, once Starr was finished. "I too have something to announce. Since Arwen was too ugly to marry Aragorn and become queen, I'm sick of waiting for her to succeed in life. So I wish to adopt Celeste Sakurablossom as my new daughter." _

"She just made Ada look greedy and power-hungry. And she insulted our sister." Elladan said, affronted.

"She's going down." Elrohir agreed.

"Sure, NOW you side with me. What took so long!"

"It was funny before, but now she crossed the line." Elladan informed her.

"Hmph."

_"I've always wanted to be an only child!" Celeste said. _

Elrohir and Elladan sported identical looks of disownment.

Arwen smirked. "Permission to point and laugh?"

"Permission granted." Eowyn giggled.

And so she did.

_Celeste received her crown and a brand new daddy! Aragorn personally made the crown, it was pink and covered with real diamonds and rubies and sapphires and emeralds. _

"So it's like a bloody rainbow on her head." Pippin muttered.

_It was like a crown of rainbows. _

Pippin grinned.

Sam nudged his arm. "I wouldn't be proud to be thinking like them…"

_"And now," Celeste said, raising a hand to silence the cheers of her adoring fans. "We shall begin the party, and we will be talking to our friends during it." _

_Starr stepped up to Faramir. "I did not haveth the pleasure of getting to know you like Celeste did." She winked. "But I hope we have a chance to get together soon. And I feel ur pain, being stuck with Eowny. If you ever need me to get her out of ur hair, I can have her locked up in the dungeons…In fact, I'll do so right now." _

_Arwen and Eowyn were dragged off to be chained up and quite possibly taken advantage of by the guards. _

Thranduil sniggered slightly at this, but stopped immediately at the murderous looks he was getting from the two females.

_Celeste went to Eomer. "I'm glad you are finally free of your horrible sister, and congrats on being king! I hope Gondor and Rohan will be like best friends for eva!" _

_Starr approached Pippin and Merry. "My dear hobbits, little young ones—_

"Yes, ignoramus?" replied Merry with fake cheer.

_"You are stronger than you know, and I see great things in your future. Stay adorable." They beamed up at her. _

_Celeste walked over to Frodo and Sam. "Congrats on completing your mission, you two are so strong and brave and saved the world (with our help and lots of it!)!" _

"Oh no she didn't!" Sam scowled.

_Both girls skipped over Gimli becuz he was really drunk and would prolly feel them up. _

"I would be angry, but I'd rather not hear what they have to say to me." Gimli shrugged.

_Starr then entertained the group by singing lots and lots of songs, and they were enchanted by the sweet sound. _

_Celeste, as playful as she was, started a cake fight, which soon progressed into a group bath. _

"A GROUP BATH!" Aragorn howled.

"That is wrong on SO many levels!" Glorfindel shuddered.

TBC….


	43. The Twins Go Blonde!

Chapter 43: The Twins Go Blonde!

Luckily for Pippin, the lack of sleep and great annoyance that is 'Tales of a Dream Come True' seemed to increase the speed of his reflexes, and he was able to duck in time to avoid the pink blur speeding towards his curly head.

"Honestly Father!" Legolas chided. "We're tense enough without you attempting to knock out people in this room!"

"Tense? Try 'about to crack'." Eowyn mumbled.

"I wonder if anyone will ever write a book about this…" Elladan mused.

"Say what?" Elrohir responded.

"I can see it now… 'Fifteen beings locked in an ultimate battle against an abomination so terrible even the Valar themselves could not bear to listen to the pink lace-covered message of DOOM!'" the Elf boomed in a deep voice.

" 'Who will be the first to be driven into insanity?'" Faramir contributed.

Way over in the Undying Lands, Manwe turned to Varda. "Hey, that would be a good story..." And thus fanfiction was born.

Just kidding.

Merry reached over and plucked a fallen piece of lace from Pippin's hair and dropped it quickly into the fire as if it had hurt his hand merely to touch it. It probably did, but moving on…

Sam gave him a sympathetic look and Pippin lifted the book from the ground, heaving a great sigh.

_Like, the honeymoon…teeheehee…_

He looked up with terror in his eyes. "This is going to bad, isn't it?"

No one had the heart to tell him, "Yes, it's going to be the worst thing you've ever and will ever encounter." So Gimli just pat him on the shoulder by means of comfort.

_Starr and Leggie decided to go to the Shire, because it was sutch a quaint place. _

"Well, see!" Arwen interrupted. "There's a ray of hope right there! The couples separated! No racy group scenes!"

"Unless it's with the Hobbits IN the Shire…" Pippin said with a sour look.

Arwen fell silent.

_Celeste and Aragorn went to Rivendale, to see it again before Elrodn left. She wanted to get aquainted with her hohm. It would be nice to esperiense life as an only child. _

Elladan and Elrohir clasped their hands in vigorous silent thanks to ever higher being they could think of in their overjoyed state.

_Wait! Like, OMG, my best freind just told me that Arwen had 2 older brothers! Twins! Something like Dan and Ro. _

"Yeah. That's exactly it. Good job." Aragorn said stiffly and not without great scorn.

_That would make things like interesting! _

_Anywayz, Starr and Leggie found a cute little house right near Frodo's house!_

"How utterly convenient." Eowyn smiled grimly.

_So like the first thing they did, after 'getting settled' hee hee, was to go 'visit' Frodo. _

Sam opened his mouth in a silent scream at the idea.

_Like I've said before, the blu eyes and angst is such a turn on!_

Eomer had to hold Sam back from bashing his head into the wall a few times until the images went away.

_Celeste stepped down the grand staircase in a glittering white gown. She was to meet her brothers. _

"Wait." Glorfindel spoke up suddenly. "Wait. Wait."

"WHAT!" everyone roared.

He started and stared sheepishly at the angry faces around him. "Sorry. Anyway, if they're her brothers, is she really going to…?"

"You betcha." Legolas and Thranduil replied simultaneously, looking deadpan.

_The two twins were indentical. _

"REALLY?" exclaimed Gimli with an air of mock surprise. "Is THAT what 'twins' means!"

_They were really hott and had long blonde hair like Legolas. _

Every single mouth in the room hung open in blatant disbelief. She didn't even bother to check with her 'friend' about what they looked like!

Faramir recovered first and muttered something that sounded vaguely like, 'that was to be expected…'

"I mean really!" Elrohir insisted. "If anything, this story will turn our hair grey, not blonde!"

"She's got us as two 'Leggie' clones! She has three now!" Elladan raged.

There was silence as they all recognized the conspiracy.

"Ohhhhhhhhh…" came the universal realization.

"So she's basically transforming the lot of you into simpering, blonde-haired, Elven clones for her to have her beastly way with?" Haldir summarized skillfully. "Gee, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm GLAD I died."

Eomer and Faramir adopted similar nervous looks and threw their hands over their heads. They liked their hair the color that it was, thankyouverymuch!

_They headed to their fathers' study and Elrond was there, smiling._

"EWWWW!"

_That night was magical._

"Oh I'm sure it was!" Glorfindel seethed.

_Celeste knew she would have to invite the twins to Gondor a LOT. Aragorn read her mind and grinned. _

"Oh, I am so creepy!" Aragorn shook his head, until he realized how wrong that sounded, and by that time virtually everyone present was dying of laughter at hearing that phrase come out of the mouth of the king of Gondor.

"I'm glad you finally admitted it!" Legolas said, tears of laughter literally rolling down his cheeks.

Pippin, who had been skimming over the ever-present NC-17 scene, was quickly losing the color in his cheeks and turning a most unpleasant shade of white.

Eomer reached for the pitcher, but stopped as the others screeched 'NO'. He returned his hand back to his side with a dark and clearly annoyed expression on his face.

"I am never saving any of you ever again." He growled.

_"Legolas my love!" Starr moaned. _

That triggered a chain reaction as everyone clapped their hands to their ears and shouted various exclamations, about tricksy hobbits and gross mental images and Pippin's mother.

"HEY!"

Merry grinned as if taking full responsibility for the last one. "Yeah, I said it!"

"I only thought it fair that everyone has to suffer through this torture! With the _leather chaps and rose petalz and chains and handcuffs and random Hobbit appearances…_"

_Every so often their fun would be interrupted by a random Hobbti coming into to join in. Not noted for their stamina _("SAYS WHO!" Merry argued.) _they were soon finished and gone, leaving the two lovers to their game. _("On second thought, thank Eru for that!" Merry hastily amended.) _Leggie had just pulled out the vat of melted chocolate and strawberries when Frodo, Merry, Sam, and Pippin came knocking at the door. _

_"Ooo, the more the merrier!" Starr said with a giggle. _

"STOP! STOP!" pretty much everyone in the room screamed from the floor.

"MERCY!" Legolas cried.

"Ah, fine."

There was a great roar of cheers.

"We have to get back to Celeste and Aragorn and the twins anyway."

Mass crying ensued.

A servant listening outside the door frowned and hurried off to alert the therapists again.

TBC…


	44. SHE CAN ADD!

Chapter 44: SHE CAN ADD!

Arwen looked slightly deflated. "It's finally the Epilogue."

There was a great group sigh of sigh of sweet, sweet relief.

_Starr and Legolas and Celeste and Aragorn live happily ever after. _

"Don't they always." Thranduil muttered.

_Celeste and Gornie had only five kids, and only one boy, Eldarion, to be the hier. _

_Starr and Legolas had thirteen kids, Starr's age when she came to Middel Erth. _

"That's sick. She was only thirteen?" Eomer said, looked revolted.

_They had six boys and seven girls. _

"SHE CAN ADD!" Haldir exclaimed, nearly falling out of his seat.

_All the guys were hawt and the gurls were cute. Except for one, she wasn't a good girl, but we won't talk about her. When the time came, the four parents and their kids except for the heirs and that one gir), sailed into the Undying landz. That girl stayed with ARwn and Eowny. _

"Hopefully she was SANE." Eowyn said pointedly.

_Once their, tho they did battle pirates along the way—_

"PIRATES!" Sam half-shouted.

_They were welcomed warmly by the Valra, who were in awe by Starr and Celeste's beauty and treated them as one of der own. They became two new Valar. _

Elladan put a hand to his ear. "I swear I just heard Manwe suffocating himself with laughter."

_And so the world grieved their leafing, but eventully were able to go on with thier lives as normal._

"Trust me, anyone who comes in any sort of contact with these two will NEVER be able to go back to normal life." Merry declared.

_And so the two most beautiful girls in the entir world lived happy full and brave and helpful and giving lives and made the world a better place. They, such wonderful and beautiful young women, got the fairy tail happy ending they deserved. _

"And," Aragorn added in a choked whisper. "That's the end of the book."

"Thank the Valar." Legolas whimpered. There were several affirmative groans from the others, all in various stages of writhing in pain on the floor.

"Now maybe life can go back to normal—" Merry began. He never finished his sentence.

The book in Aragorn's hands began to glow and reverberate. Two beams of light shot out and materialized into two forms.

As the light faded, Elladan squeaked. "Please, Arwen, Eowyn, let this be a trick again!"

But the two females were staring on in horror along with everyone else.

"Lyke, where r we?" Starr queried, staring around.

"I dunno." Celeste replied.

The Middle-Earthians had never seen anything so horrible. They were correct in most of their descriptions, yet the Sues' characteristics were so exaggerated, they looked alien. Their eyes were bulbous and Gollum-like. Their hair was blindingly greasy and so multi-colored it looked like warg droppings. Their chests were so oversized they looked like bubbles about to pop.

"OMFG! It's leggie!1"

The poor Elf looked ready to die of shock.

Gimli raised his axe as if hoping to help out his friend.

"Ew, teh yucky hairy guy is blocking mah Leggie-kins!" Starr growled. Then she emitted a terrible, terrible noise, that probably should have been passable as a song, but was so awful it made Gimli keel over right on the spot.

Luckily, thanks to some quick maneuvering on Haldir and Glorfindel's part, the two Sues were bound and gagged. Apparently their powers were all in their head, for they could do nothing but screech through their gags and squirm a lot.

Elrohir looked unsure of whether he should throw up or faint.

"What do we do with them?" Eowyn questioned in a weak voice.

"Feed them to a warg?" Aragorn suggested, still lying where he had toppled from his chair. "Tar and feather them? Burn them at the stake?"

"The possibilities are endless…" Pippin said, suddenly looking more excited than scared.

The book suddenly leapt out of Aragorn's hands. A shrill voice suddenly erupted from it.

"I'M TIRED OF HAVING THIS NONSENSE ON MY PAGES! THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH A BOOK CAN TAKE!"

Everyone in the room stared at it with that deer-in-headlights look.

"Books can talk?" Eomer whispered. "Learn something new everyday."

The pages suddenly flew at the two Sues and began to mercilessly give them paper cuts. Between the fingers and toes, on the eyelids, behind the knees, under the arms, you name it.

The onlookers cowered in horror and blocked the screams from their ears.

The book stopped suddenly and began to shake. Another person came out of it, only this time, they landed in a heap on the floor.

Ignoring the moans of Starr and Celeste, Legolas and the others inched their way over to the figure.

"This must be the authoress." Aragorn hissed.

"Well, it's too late for these to," Merry jerked his head in the Sues direction. "So what do we do with her?"

There was a moment of heavy silence as they contemplated this. Suddenly the silence was broken by an unfamiliar voice.

"I'm going to have to ask you to step away from the girl."

TBC…

Ooo, a cliffhanger! I'm so mean! Anyway, I hope this ending is so far suitable to everyone. I had a REALLY hard time trying to decide how to end it. The next chapter will be up very soon, I promise.


	45. The End of All Things Sue

Chapter 45: The End of All Things

Everyone went sort of bug-eyed. Even the bloody Sues looked surprised.

"No. Way." Gimli gaped, recovering from his near fatal encounter with Starr.

"G…Galadriel?" Legolas whispered.

She smiled warmly, an unearthly glow about her. "I cannot stay long," she said, her voice echoing in the room. "But I came to set things right.

"PrettyprettyprincessSweet16 was found to have been in allegiance with Sauron. After his defeat, she still went through with her plan of writing this, in hopes of driving you all into insanity."

The blonde head of the girl on the ground suddenly snapped up. "And it would have WORKED too!" she hissed.

Galadriel ignored this. "Elrond, before he left, foresaw this danger, and hired the best therapists in all of Arda to be on hand when they were needed."

"Oh Ada!" Arwen sighed gratefully.

"So, you mean to tell us that PPPS16 isn't actually an idiot?" Merry summarized.

"Indeed. And her real name is Murtle."

The girl let out a wail and began to writhe. "I hate my name! Legolas is the love of my life! I have always admired Sues! Starr is my hero and I want to be more like her!"

"HEATHEN!" Aragorn boomed. "My lady Galadriel, may I lock her in the

dungeons forever?"

Galadriel just smiled in response. "Am I supposed to say no to those hopeful faces?"

There was a great cheering as the evil wench was dragged off.

"I recommend that Legolas walk past her cell every now and then." Eowyn laughed.

"Ohh, you are evil!" Faramir teased.

"At last this nightmare is over!" Legolas grinned.

"Whut? U don't like us?" Celeste whimpered.

Legolas and Aragorn raised their eyebrows at them.

"But we r like perfect, and every man would like love to have us!" Starr insisted.

Legolas rolled his eyes. "I prefer to fly solo."

Aragorn slipped his hand into Arwen's and clasped it lovingly. "Sorry, Celeste, you're not my type."

Both of the girls turned ashen and died of heart attacks of shock right there. That or their miniscule brains were no longer smart enough to remember to breathe.

"Now then, before I leave," Galadriel began. "Frodo, Elrond, and Gandalf send their greetings."

Sam sniffled a little.

"And, on the final note, I must express my expectations that you have all learned a lesson from this little encounter…?"

"Yeah!" Elladan spoke up suddenly. "I'll never touch another pink book as long as I live!"

Eomer smiled wryly. "And it may be YEARS before I come here again."

Arwen smiled at Aragorn. "I learned never to be jealous because my wonderful husband will always be faithful."

Eowyn leaned her head on Faramir's shoulder. "Ditto."

"I've learned that it IS possible for me to lose my appetite." Pippin sighed.

Everyone burst out laughing.

Galadriel smiled once more. "Well then, my friends, this is where I say goodbye, again. I trust you will dispose of the book in a thorough fashion?"

"Oh, you know it." Elrohir said devilishly. Galadriel faded and was gone.

There was a long silence. Then…

"Alright!" Aragorn said loudly, startling everyone out of their reverie. "Bring on the kindling! We are SO burning this book right now!"

They toasted to future happiness and Sue-less life as the pink book became extra crispy in the fireplace.

One by one, they began to leave the room.

Thranduil headed out with Faramir, talking loudly about maybe increasing Murtle's torture by making Legolas walk by 'shirtless'. Pippin and Merry and Sam ran off to find some food and celebrate. The twins headed off to do some mischief before heading home, and Haldir was already on his way. Arwen and Eowyn, now better friends than ever before after surviving that predicament, left the room as well. Eomer, Gimli, and Glorfindel left, laughing loudly over the look on Faramir's face when he got knocked out by the pitcher.

At last only Aragorn and Legolas remained. Several guards came in and removed the bodies of the Sues, quite disturbed, but saying nothing. The two friends stared at the fire, only the cover still intact. They watched in silence as the lace and Lisa Frank stickers and pink were all charred into ashes.

They glanced up at each other.

Legolas let out a long sigh, as if ridding himself of all the stress and anxiety he had built up throughout the course of the story. "Bloody glad that's over."

Aragorn laughed and clapped a hand on the Elf's shoulder. "I agree."

And they walked out of the room.

Several minutes later, two maids appeared to straighten up the room. They stood at the entrance, hands on their hips and surveying the near-destroyed room that lay before them.

Then, armed with every cleaning material possible, they stepped into the room, ready to scrub the blood off the walls, remove the remainder of the shards of broken glass on the floor, replace the chairs into their upright positions, and clean the vestiges of the book from the fireplace.

One turned to the other and rolled her eyes. "Never a dull moment in THIS castle."

THE END


End file.
